Headless Chicken

Moved

2011-06-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

Tumblr seems to be more suitable for me at this moment. Moving there.
http://bowiechick.tumblr.com

(I'm so creative with my usernames at all these sites, I really amaze myself.)

The library smells like baby powder

2011-03-14T13:52:00.000-07:00

I've been kind of stressed lately. Kind of a combination of things but nothing major. Want to hear me whine about a few of these things? Keep reading.

I should have bet some money on who I thought would be getting the full time positions at work. Even though my manager asked me to put in a resume for it, the whole time during the interview she kept saying things about how "if you don't get the position, your resume will be on file for next time!". So it was pretty obvious. I don't know if I should have gone through the trouble of rushing to the only library open that day and printing out the resume and then rushing over to the store to get some white-out to fix a "the" I typed as "then". I guess I'm just a bit annoyed with things at the moment. While part of me is thinking, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about how difficult the switch to full-time would have been" the other part knows I could have really used the money.

I have also been having some personal little health-related issues. Nothing huge or anything but still annoying and kind of getting me down. There are some things I rather not share with the internet... or with anyone, really.

Ziggy's not well, again. She always seems to have something wrong with her. I know it's to the point where vets won't be able to do much. The only vet that would take her costs $100 just to go in, anyways. I hate to say, "Oh I won't because it costs too much" because I do care about my birds but Ziggy has been through these things a lot and she's a tough bird. If I took her to the vet every time she had something wrong with her, we wouldn't be able to pay rent probably. I wish there was a vet that took birds that was as affordable as the one I take Penny to. For normal visits, even if they give her medicine or a shot, we get out of there under $30. Peter's doing a good job taking care of her, as always. I captured some of the cuteness on video and I'm currently in the process of uploading it.

As I said these things are really no big deal but when you combine them with the other little things I have going on, I kind of have a hard time handling it. I still have an awesome husband and doggy being loving to me this whole time. :)

BLECK I'm starving. I only had 3/4 of a piece of toast this morning (which I forgot to finish after I dropped an almost completely full cup of coffee all over the carpet) and it's now 2:30. This video better upload a little faster so I can get home and unstarvify myself. I'm going crazy.

[Edit: Upload froze at 64% so I gave up on it. Will try again tomorrow.]

[Edit Next Day: It took like a minute to upload it this time so here it is!]

2011-03-11T12:16:00.000-08:00

The earthquakes in Japan and all these tsunami warnings are really making me feel horrible right now. My heart goes out to everyone in the middle of all of this. :(

So to update about the full time thing, I put in my resume and interviewed with my manager earlier this week. We are supposed to find out who gets the job today, I think. I have this huge feeling I won't be getting it. In fact, I think I know exactly who WILL be. Meh.

We finally sold our old desktop computer so we now have our dining table back. It feels really good to sell things on Craigslist, I must say.

My friend Jen will be moving back here soon. Maybe REALLY soon, but I don't know yet. This is pretty exciting for me. :)

Nothing interesting to say today so I'll just leave it at that.

Where do you find the time??

2011-03-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

This picture has nothing to do with this post other than that I'm in the library typing this and this is my awkward "I'm in the library taking a photobooth picture and then putting it on my blog" face.

I currently only work part time. VERY part time. My normal hours per week are 15-20. Even with that, I still find it hard to get everything done in a day or week that I need or want to get done. I try to do most of the work around the house since Isaac works full time. I guess we've taken on traditional gender roles around the house in many ways.
A full time position has just opened up at my job and I am seriously considering it but then I think, "Wait, now I'll never get anything done..."
I know I worked pretty much full time hours in 2008 for a few months and I got used to it, but at that time I lived at home so I didn't have to worry about much. I would come home to a home cooked meal. Spoiled.
I guess I'm just asking for advice. If I do get this full time position, what are your tips for getting used to the switch? How does ANYONE find time to do things they have to do outside of work and still have time for the fun things that keep us sane?

Sick as a dog

2011-02-16T15:29:00.000-08:00

I have spent the last few days at home on the couch. Exciting, right? I'm sicker than I have been in a LONG time. Painful coughing and sneezing, sore body, absolutely NO energy or strength, not able to sleep at night (or during the day for more than a few minutes). It has been horrible. I started feeling symptoms Saturday, then I called in sick on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I had off from work but they were wasted on that flippin' couch. I could have sworn I would be better by today (Wednesday) but even sitting in my car in the parking lot of the library is almost too much for me to handle. This sucks.

On the brighter side of things, at least I can only hear out of one ear right now so all the kids screaming outside aren't really bothering me too much. :-s

This is starting to make me feel crazy.

At least I have lovely Penny to cuddle with all day.

Feb, You Airy?

2011-02-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

The house we live in is behind another, only slightly bigger, house. There was a family living in front of us that consisted of about 4 adults and 4 kids, I was never quite sure exactly how many. They had 5 cars (not sure why, there were only 4 people old enough to drive) and only one or two would be gone at a time. There are plenty of places for them to park these cars - the road in front of them, a car port, AND a garage - but they still liked to park IN THE DRIVEWAY which is only wide enough for one car. It was very clear in the rental agreement that parking there was a no-no. They were even reminded a few times and still insisted on doing it making it a hassle any time we had to go somewhere because we had to get them to move (which they always seemed annoyed by). So not only was the whole parking situation annoying, but they had so much junk we had to look at. They let trash sit out in front of their house and never even bother to pick it up. They even liked having parties with a LIVE band playing mexican music until 2 AM. This means we could hear that bloody tuba fartin' through our walls while we tried to sleep before work. It's quite clear I couldn't stand these neighbors, and I haven't even gone into our shared recycling bin and how they always filled it with everything BUT recyclables.
Well good news, they moved out! Even the way they moved out was annoying, though. They took everything they wanted and left bags of junk behind for the landlords to clean up. They are out there right now doing just that. I guess they don't care to get their cleaning deposit back.
Anyways, this little rant was brought to you by PMS and built up frustration with our now ex-neighbors. Let's hope the next ones are better!

In Mad Men news (can you tell I don't have much going on?), we just finished season two. This season started out kind of slow feeling and I thought they lost their charm but they picked it back up and proved me wrong. It's a shame I only have one more season to look forward to. If you haven't seen Mad Men yet, I suggest watching it.

Isaac is now at training for a new job. The job he had before was just a seasonal thing at the call center of Harry & David. Expensive fruit and shit. We don't quite get the appeal. Anyway, since it was seasonal he was only there until mid January but luckily he was able to pick something else up quickly. Training is a month long (!) and pay is pretty good but I don't want to see him get stuck in this place too long because it's just not right for him. I know he can (and will) do well with it in the meantime but I rather see him doing something he loves. He is still trying to get a job at this other place more suited for him and it seems like it may happen, since he's talked to plenty of people there, but let's just wait and cross our fingers! At least he got into this other job training to keep us stable in the meantime.

I better go take Penny on a walk, she's giving me the whites of her eyes right now.

Mmmmac and cheese.

2011-01-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm now updating from our brand new Macbook Pro. I know some peoples thoughts are probably along the lines of, "But wait, I thought you guys didn't have much money, how can you afford a computer by one of the most - if not THE most - expensive computer brands?"

This is not some random spur of the moment way to get rid of money we don't really have. Isaac and I have had way too many issues with the PCs we've had and we've been just a little sick of it. I used Macs in the community college I went to and fell in love with the simplicity of it and how user friendly they are. That combined with the fact that from all our research and experience with Macs, they are more suited to what we want out of a computer. I used Macs in the community college I went to and fell in love with the simplicity of them and how user friendly they are. This is something we have been wanting to invest in for a long time now and we finally got the perfect opportunity. Isaac finally received his check from Mr. Taxman in Britain and with the exchange rate and everything, it was perfect.

I'm sure there are many people that would find it more appropriate to invest the money in something else but everyone has different priorities in life. We are a modern couple - a good computer is important to us. This computer means Isaac can finally record and edit his music (none of the good programs worked well with our other computers) and it also means we have an easier laptop to take to libraries and Staples parking lots to use internet. Our old one is from 2005 and it wasn't doing so well.

I'm not sure why I feel the need to explain how we could afford this. Maybe because in the past I've had many people online judge the way I spend my money. I don't know why I let this bother me, but it does. I let a lot of things bother me that shouldn't.

Well, I'll stop talking about the computer and move on.

I came to the realization earlier this month that I no longer have an interest in painting. It used to be something I loved doing but I guess it was just a phase. It's a shame that phase came with purchases that weren't so cheap like oil paints, acrylics, canvases, an easel, etc. They weren't all at my expense, I'll admit, but I do hate wasting money on something that I don't continue on with. I'm trying to make up for it so I sold all of the paints and stuff on Craigslist recently and I'm TRYING to sell the easel. I used a couple of the canvases that I started paintings on and never finished by covering them with fabrics and I'm now using those as art themselves. This was kind of a big deal to me because I used to think that I would be into painting until I was old and grey. It took a while to admit to even myself that I no longer had interest in it. It's a strange thing how sometimes we will even lie to ourselves sometimes. I don't like that, I've done it too many times in the past.

I'm currently watching Mad Men, just now finishing up the last episode of season one. I never bothered to watch it on TV and never really knew what it was about but I rented the first disc at Blockbuster about a week and a half ago and now I'm a little addicted. One thing that bothers me about the DVDs is that all the special features kind of give away how the season will end. And those are special features on the first discs, not just the last one! We also like to watch commentaries and the people doing those often give away hints of what's going to happen in future episodes. They need to keep their mouths shut! :)

Lieberry

2011-01-10T18:05:00.001-08:00

We no longer get *ahemstealahem* internet from neighbors so I haven't really been online at all this month. It's so strange going from spending most of my days online, as sad as that is, to only going on about once or twice a week, at most. We have no idea what is going on in the world since we don't even get cable or a newspaper. I bought a newspaper yesterday and I have never been as excited as I was to get one. Normally I would look at a newspaper and wonder why they still existed since we have the internet constantly updating us. It's a shame that subscribing to a newspaper seems to cost more than internet service. Lame.

So anyways, Isaac and I had our first Christmas together. Together meaning both married and actually physically together. It was kind of a strange Christmas, so different than any in the past, but I still enjoyed it.
New Years was uneventful. I spent the night annoyed with all of the inconsiderate neighbors we have. I am seriously fed up with most/all of them.

Our house is still freezing, I don't know if I even mentioned how cold it was before. I've gotten used to being able to see my breath and wearing layers at all times. I can't wait until Spring!

Isaac had his 26th birthday yesterday, so everyone better wish him a happy belated birthday! Or else.

Anyways, I better end this boring update now. I haven't watched a single YouTube video in weeks and I'm having withdrawals.

Oh, hi!

2010-12-05T11:50:00.000-08:00

It would seem as though I completely forgot about this blog. Because I did. Oops. It's not as though it's an entertaining blog so I doubt anyone would notice my lack of updates but I do like to keep it up for whatever reason.

Since my last update, my life has been kind of busy.

Isaac and I went to Portland in August for his biometrics which is really just a picture and fingerprints. Why we had to drive all the way to Portland for that, I don't know. We even had to get a hotel and everything since we were scheduled pretty early in the day and I wasn't willing to try to drive there after midnight. Such a waste of money. We then went again in October for the adjustment of status interview. Another hotel, another long drive, another chunk of money out of our bank accounts. The interview went alright, even though I was so stressed out I started crying at one point :S. The only problem was we didn't have enough evidence of our co-sponsor's income and we were given a month to send it in. Just one month, just one chance. If we didn't send in the right evidence the ONE time, we wouldn't get another chance (unless we started all over again, payments and everything) and that would mean we wouldn't get the $1,000+ sent in for the adjustment of status back, not to mention the money for the HOTELS and DRIVES. We sent in the evidence in November but have yet to hear back from them. This is really stressing me out! How are we supposed to know where we stand?? Or if they even GOT it?????

I HATE THIS PROCESS, IT NEVER ENDS!

I love Isaac, though. At least he's here with me now instead of having to do all this while in different countries like with the k1 visa process.

In September we finally moved out of my parents' house. We are now renting a small house and we are enjoying being alone. The reason it took so long is because Isaac didn't receive his work permit until that month and I don't earn nearly enough at my job to feel comfortable. As soon as he got his work permit, we felt more comfortable even though it's hard to find a job anywhere.

In the end of October we also adopted a miniature dachshund from the pound. We named her Penny. We love her! We went to the pound one day just for fun and I kept thinking about her afterward, so after another visit and taking her out of the cage to play, we put in an application. She can be a pain in the butt sometimes but other then that she is perfect for us.

In November, Isaac finally got a job. He kept putting in application after application but nobody was hiring. It may just be a temporary job but it's something for now.
Our Thanksgiving was wonderful. It may not have been a traditional Thanksgiving with family and turkey but we enjoyed it anyways. It was just the two of us in PJs all day. We had chicken, instead of turkey, but we had stuffing and mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. It was a totally relaxing day which was great since we both worked at 6 AM the next morning.
I HATE BLACK FRIDAY.

It's now December and our house is cold. I mean we wear layers all the time and we can see our breath in here - cold. It's snuggle weather, even my birds are snuggling more.

We got a nice cheap space heater to help with that, and it's probably the best purchase we have made in a long time. Penny loves to sleep in front of it.

We bought a small (about 3.5') Christmas tree and are preparing for Christmas. It will probably be just another day with the two of us being lazy but I love that.

I feel like my life has been just surrounding work, which isn't nice when you don't really like your job that much. Ugh. I need to have some days where all I do is create stuff I've been wanting to make and listen to music.

Hopefully I will be updating more than every few months and I plan to make more videos again (another thing neglected). Thank you all for sticking around!

Wedding on a budget (no, really)

2010-08-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

Whenever I read blogs or articles about how to have a wedding on a tight budget, they are still spending over $5,000 for the whole thing. That is RIDICULOUS.
A reader has asked me to blog about tips on how to save money while planning the wedding so that's what I'm going to try to do.
First, I will break it down to about how much I spent in certain categories. Keep in mind that I didn't keep exact track of everything so these won't be right on but I will do my best. I would suggest keeping track of every dollar spent for your wedding so that you can see where you are.

Invitations and postage: $20
Dress and veil: $250
Alterations: $70
Shoes: $0 (Already owned from being a bridesmaid a couple years before)
Rings: $440 (we splurged a little here, we think)
My other jewelry: $7 (no joke, I bought a set in the clearance at Fred Meyer)
Isaac's suit and shoes: $200
Photography: $300
Hair and makeup: $0
Venue: $500
Cupcakes: $60
Officiant: $70
Music: $3 (we used music we already owned but had to buy a couple)
Decorations: $40
Misc: $40
Total: About $2,000

Areas of which we could have spent less:

Dress and suit. We could have gotten these used or on a better sale but overall, we also could have spent MUCH more than we did so I am not too worried about that.

Rings. I originally planned on spending under $100 on my ring and was even considering a simple band. But the ring will be with me all the time and once I saw the one we ending up getting, I couldn't stop thinking about it. It is perfect for me. Honestly though, there are a ton of beautiful rings out there for under $100. Just make sure you are happy with your purchase.

Venue. We got a GREAT deal on our venue. We had our wedding at a bed and breakfast but since we had less than 30 guests and did not need tables, etc, they lowered the price dramatically. That being said, we would have even loved having our wedding in a nice park.

DIY. Sometimes I got a little over my head with DIY ideas. Before thinking about if I could really finish it on time, I would go out and buy the supplies only to realize I didn't like it in the end or sometimes I wouldn't even get around to it. Really think about what you want to do your self and set a limit on how much you will do.

DIY did save me more money than I lost, though.

I made my own invitations and I was very happy with them. When I see kits to make invites, they are normally in the $40 up range. I just bought some scrapbooking paper, photo corners, and got creative.

I also made my own cupcake picks. This time I just needed cardstock, toothpicks (dollar store) and double stick tape. They added a nice personalized touch, I thought.

I also replaced the idea of a guest book with guest notes. I got supplies mostly from the dollar store but also on sale in craft stores. I set it up so that guest could fill out a note card with a little note, drawing, and/or stickers and hang it from some twine.

I also made my own bouquet and dropped the idea of having real flowers everywhere. Florals can get expensive.

Some people spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars just to feed their guests. This fact made me automatically drop the idea of a dinner and we had our wedding at 2 PM in hopes that people would have already had lunch but it would be too early for dinner. We just served cupcakes and had drinks. This saved us SO MUCH MONEY.

Another area people blow money on is music. Many people will get a live band or DJ, which may be fun. But if you are like us and don't find much joy in dancing but love music, a CD will do just fine. We compiled a list of music that we loved and didn't care if it was "wedding music". My wonderful friend Lindsay was our "dj" and started and stopped the music for a ceremony but during the ceremony, we just let it play as background music.
In case you're curious, here's our playlist:

I walked to the naked version of Across the Universe by the Beatles.

Thank You - Led Zeppelin
Dear My Love - Miyavi
Here Comes The Sun - Beatles
Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) - Arcade Fire
Heroes (single version) - David Bowie
Bron-Y-Aur Stomp - Led Zeppelin
1979 - Smashing Pumpkins
Strangers When We Meet (Outside version) - David Bowie
Hoppipolla - Sigur Ros
Music For a Nurse - Oceansize

Another tip I have for saving money is MAKE THIS WEDDING ABOUT YOU GUYS, not about pleasing the guests or following traditions. We did not have bridesmaids, groomsmen, flowergirls, etc. While they traditionally buy their own dresses and stuff on their own, money is still spent on gifts, flowers, and things for them. Guests may expect catering and a giant cake but honestly, is it their wedding? Try not to have the wedding at a time they may expect a meal. If they only come for food, they shouldn't come anyways.

You may have noticed how much we spent on photography. If you have already looked into the average cost of wedding photography you may wonder how we got someone so cheap. Most wedding photographers charge $600 for a basic package and they may not even give you the rights to print the photos yourself. Ripoff. I looked into beginning photographers and student photographers. After a bunch of research, I finally found a girl on craigslist. She was charging only $200 when I found her and then soon after was at $300. I looked at her portfolio and thought she had a natural talent so I booked her without hesitation. If I would have waited longer, it would have cost more. Try to look around. If you can't afford anything, see if your family knows someone that can give you a good deal. If you're lucky, a family member or friend with talent might even do it for free! Don't be afraid to ask.

Well this is getting long and rambly. I'm not sure how much I even helped anyone out. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments.

Immigration is so FUNNNNNN

2010-06-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone seems to think that as soon as a non-US citizen gets married to a US citizen, they are suddenly allowed all the rights of the US citizen. I am here to say that is not true. I wish.

Let's start at the beginning of this process.
First, you have to petition with the government that your fiance should be allowed to come to the US to marry you. This is where you pay your first chunk of money, which is currently $455. This petition is a huge packet of confusing forms to fill out which most people screw up and get a notice that they need to re-do something. Luckily, we were able to figure it out with the help of this website (which is the best website EVARR!)
Next, you wait to get a notice that they actually approved it. If they suspect that you are trying to get them to the US for the wrong reasons, they can deny it. And yes, they keep that money. Jerks.

After it is approved, you fill out more confusing forms. This is also where you prove that you have enough money to bring them in or know someone who does that is willing to co-sponsor. What is "enough money"? 125% over the poverty line. I am not even close but luckily I have parents that kind of are. They also look into your assets so it helps if they own a house or something.
The non-US citizen then sets up a medical and an interview. The medical can't be done by just any doctor, it is chosen for them. Sometimes people have to travel by plane to get to where their medical and interview is done (equaling MORE MONEY!) but if they are lucky, they can get there easier. The interview may be difficult or easy, depending on what country it is in. They may hound you with questions or just ask basic ones.
At this stage, they can deny them the visa. Wouldn't that be fun?

If things go well, they are approved and will get their visa.
The k-1 fiance visa allows for 3 months from their arrival to the US to marry the US citizen. If they do not marry before the 3 months is up, they will be kicked out of the US and not allowed in for quite some time. So just get married, dang it!

Ok, you're married. It's over.

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Now you have to apply for the Adjustment of Status (AoS) and the Employment Authorization Document (EAD). If you do the EAD first, you have to pay something like $325 but if you apply with or after the AoS, they drop the fees for that but you still have to pay the $1,010 (!!!!!!!!!!!!) for the AoS. What is the AoS? Basically a green card, I believe. If you need to leave the US before getting the AoS, you may not be allowed back in. You are pretty much in a limbo state before having this. The AoS can take anywhere from a few months to a COUPLE YEARS to process. And yes, it's another huge packet of forms to fill out. And yes, they can deny you can keep your money.

It's pretty much a never ending process. We are not allowed to have a "normal" marriage, we have to worry about all of this on top of every thing else. But I never question whether it's worth it. It's totally worth it.

Wedding pictures + an update

2010-05-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

I've kind of abandoned my blog. VEDA, Isaac, wedding, etc. has kept me very busy and I hadn't even thought about blogging! We even said we were going to do VEWM (Vlog Every Week May), I completely gave up on that idea just a few days into May. I had too much on my plate.

Well, enough excuses. Here are some pictures from our wedding day! You can click them to make them larger.
Photography by Laura Nelson

Soy un perdedor...

2010-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

With the way things are going, this may be a one-post-a-month kind of year. Wow.
Things have stayed pretty much the same since last month's post. I'm getting more and more impatient with how time is moving and how bland my life is at the moment. Only now I can at least say that Isaac will be coming THIS MONTH.
F I N A L L Y.

Today has been like many days I've been having. My only thoughts are:
"I don't want to be here."
"How much closer until he gets here?"
"Oh I know what to do! ... Nevermind, I will do it later."
"Is it time for bed yet?"

Lame loser.

Also, I keep getting reminded about how awkward I am around people. This makes me feel sick.

Same shit...

2010-02-09T21:45:00.000-08:00

I just realized I have only blogged once so far this year and it was on January 1st.
I can't really explain what it is. My head is so full of thoughts and stress that I just don't know what to SAY anymore. I'm afraid it will all come out as, "IDidiof dsif asop hoad aoisjdoi cnduivnfvyf vudfuivfndsnmoi!"

I was excited for this year AND I STILL AM but part of me forgot earlier that the cool stuff doesn't start until a few months into the year. Plus, this cool stuff will be combined with a lot of stress so I'm not sure I will always see how awesome it really is.

As of right now, my life is the same. It seems that the closer I am getting to seeing Isaac again, the more impatient and lonely I feel. It's really exciting, the thought of having him here with me, but I can't help wondering why we have to be so far apart. It actually makes me angry and sick to see happy couples walking around. It's as though I think that if I can't be with my love now, everyone has to feel this pain. I still have to go through my life on my own just waiting. Go to work, come home, eat, sleep, go online. It seems as though that's all I do. Well, throw in some mindless walks around stores just to waste time and you pretty much have my life.

I have a list of things I could do or should do during this time but I end up putting them all off. Writing and re-writing the same shit on my to-do list over and over again. Like my life is on hold, except the few things I have to do every day.

Where did my day go?

Welcome to 2010

2010-01-01T21:09:00.001-08:00

My room is completely silent other than the sound of Peter and Ziggy shuffling around in their cage. I need music.

OK GOT MUSIC.

2009 was pretty lame for me.

Isaac and I didn't see each other the WHOLE ENTIRE YEAR. I mean in person, of course. We still saw each other a bunch on Skype. My whole year seemed to be a waste. There is so much I would like to do but rather do it with Isaac so I didn't really bother doing much at all. I have just been WAITING for 2010 to come. I hardly even saw any friends this year. It has been pretty lonely for me.
Loneliness just leaves me to think about everything and that begins to really stress me out.
I am wondering if all that has anything to do with the fact that I have a bunch of grey hairs that started growing in the beginning of the year. I didn't have any that I knew of in 2008!

2010 just looks nice and friendly and all I can look forward to is awesome stuff now. Isaac gets here in March (!!!!!!!) and we marry in May (!!) then I can finally stop spending so much time waiting for life to start and actually get to it.

Ob-la-di ob-la-da life goes on...

I will try to be less whiny this year.
Ok, additions to my new years wish list:

Be less whiny in 2010.
Get clothes I actually like and will wear and get rid of all the stuff I don't even like.
Get more girlish clothes, like dresses. WEAR THEM. Stop settling for tshirts and jeans just because it's all I can find.
Stop buying fabric until I use at least 1/2 of what I already have.

New years

2009-12-30T14:13:00.000-08:00

I never make resolutions but maybe I'll just make a list of things I would LIKE to do in 2010. Yes.

Really teach myself how to sew, then sew lots of stuff.
Try to stay stress-free around our wedding date. I always told myself I wouldn't turn into Bridezilla, if something goes wrong then it's ok. Just as long as Isaac is there, I am there, and we get married. :)
Organize my closet and the closet in the office.
Get rid of craft items and fabric I always think I will use but never do. (Craigslist?)
Wake up at extremely early and view the sunrise from a place with a nice view.
Limit my Human Bean coffee spending. >_<
Make more stuff and sell on Etsy again. Better stuff.
Move out.
Plan a reasonable budget that I can actually stick to.
Make a video I can actually say I like.
Find a job I'm actually happy with and earn more than minimum wage.
Take on Yoga again.
Get or make a thread spool holder. Whatever they are called.
Go camping with Isaac.
Hike Table Rock for the first time.
Blog more.

That's all I can think of off the top of my head at the moment. I will probably periodically post updates on my list.

Not an update.

2009-12-08T21:04:00.001-08:00

I just felt like doing it. Got a problem?

Put your iTunes on shuffle. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
When I'm Sixty-Four - The Beatles

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Chant Of The Ever Circling Skeletal Family - David Bowie

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Walk on the Wild Side - Lou Reed

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Shapes of Things - Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Me by the Sea - Edie Brickell

WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Eight Line Poem - Bowie

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Let It Be - Beatles

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
The Wedding Song - David Bowie

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Neighborhood #3 (Power Out) - Arcade Fire

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
You Learn - Alanis Morissette

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Telling Lies - Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
One After 909 - Beatles

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hand of Doom - Black Sabbath

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
TVC 15 - Bowie

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Dead Finks Don't Talk - Brian Eno

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Lady Stardust - Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST
Word on a Wing - Bowie

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Dancing Machine - Jackson 5

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
I'm Finding It Harder to be a Gentleman - White Stripes

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
A New Career in a New Town - Bowie

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Blow the House Down - Siouxie and the Banshees

--------

Some of those came out kind of interesting to me. I might do another. Get over it loserface. Haha.

Holidays are exhausting

2009-11-16T12:06:00.000-08:00

It's great how working in retail really sucks every drop of fun out of the holidays. It's just so hectic and crazy and every one is just way too into all the material things for christmas and even thanksgiving. Can someone please track down the genius behind Black Friday? Oh. My. God.
It's like, "Here, have a day off for Thanksgiving just so you can worry about having to wake up at unreasonable hours the next morning and work your ass off for a bunch of greedy people!"
I'm just so excited, as you can tell.
I have yet to work Black Friday at my current place of employment but I hear about it a lot. There are people who say they stood in line for almost an hour and a half. Why? For some insane roller coaster or an awesome concert? NO! For some flannel and yarn! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Sales are great but COME ON.
Plus, many people seem to act as though these purchases are an emergency and they desperately NEED them. Really now. Calm the f down and get your priorities straight. I can't wait to see how bitchy they will act when THEY decide to go shopping before the sun comes up and THEY decided to wait in the line for something so unimportant. I just can't wait until after christmas is over. Things will go back to normal and there will be a lower amount of wolves out. Plus maybe I could have a chance to breathe.

Then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow...

2009-11-13T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to get the basic planning for our wedding out of the way so I won't have to worry about it later.
Things are going alright, kind of, but I've hit a bit of a road bump.
I forgot that many people in my family would have a problem with a secular wedding.
We aren't going to have a wedding that doesn't represent us, but at the same time I am so scared.
There are a couple family members that can't quite keep their mouths shut at ANY wedding and always cause problems. But uh oh, have a wedding without a mention of god in the ceremony and we may have a problem.
I mean, if they felt the need to pray for us or something, they could go ahead. But it will be OUR wedding day and if they have the nerve to make a problem during it then that would just be really immature.
Maybe they won't think that it's a real marriage. Well unfortunately for them, it is a real marriage regardless of whether there's a pastor or a judge holding it.
I may be jumping ahead in judging how people may react but I feel the need to prepare for it so it doesn't catch me off guard. I had a problem just now with my mom saying it's a shame we aren't having a christian ceremony. Sorry to disappoint you.
I either have a choice of disappointing them or having a ceremony that neither of us want.

WAAHHHHH

Welcome to November....

2009-11-01T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hello world.
I never finished Vlogtober. I was doing so well and then one day I worked all day and completely forgot. The next day, I made a video that basically just said I forgot to make a video the day before but this video was so lame I didn't feel the need to post it. After that, it all left my mind. I didn't even want to bother with Vlogtober anymore. I already had a stressful month, I didn't need to add to it! Editing from that camera takes ages because the file type isn't accepted by my normal editor. So what I have to do is put all the clips together on the editor that COMES with the camera and then save that as a proper file and THEN edit AGAIN on my editor. Why? Because the editor that comes with the camera automatically fades all the clips together and I HATE that. So I just cut out all the fades later on. I know it's a lot of work but I really don't like fading between clips!

I did want to make a halloween video though. That turned out GREAT! Not.
The day before halloween, I quickly began coughing and feeling achy and weak. I left work early because of my fear of what I may have had plus I was finding it impossible to work under those conditions. I ended up packing a few items and hauling my ass to my parents house so mommy could take care of me.. haha.
Yesterday (Halloween) was so shitty. I wanted so badly to have fun but I could hardly even stand or sit up for more than a couple minutes. Of course I couldn't do anything fun! My throat was beginning to get really sore at this point as well.
And then today I also couldn't go to work. I hate this, missing more than one day of work. No matter how sick I am, I feel horrible calling in. Especially since I have no idea how long this is going to go on. At the same time, I know I shouldn't have any reason to feel bad for calling in. I AM really sick and there is no way I could work like this. No one would be happy.

Today started out horribly. Swallowing would bring tears to my eyes with all the pain and I often found myself not being able to speak which really frustrated me. Around 4 PM, I almost magically felt a lot better. Well, I am still coughing painfully and feel weak and tired but my throat is about 88% back to normal. I'm going back to the apartment tonight so that if I wake up feeling well enough, I can go to work easier. I realized I didn't do a good job packing to come here, I have nothing.

Kthnx.

Vlogtober killed my blog.

2009-10-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

Since I'm doing Vlogtober, it feels a bit repetitive to do my blog as well.

Well something I don't think I've mentioned is that Isaac received the notarized letter of intent I sent him and so someone is going to drop by and pick it up from him soon. After it's picked up, he'll soon get the visa. :) That means we will then make the official wedding date. We are thinking May now. April at the earliest. I know the wedding date is one of the first things people plan when engaged but we really couldn't because we didn't have a clue how long this process would take. We didn't want to make a date and then have to change it a bunch!

I've felt so busy this month. Even on my days off I feel as though I have a bunch to do and like I have no right relaxing. When I do sit around for a moment, I feel as though I NEED to be getting something done but I'm not always sure what that something is.

I'm pretty much done with my halloween costume. I need to make a belt and Bowie Chick will be done. Whenever I have a chance next, I need to make a tutu for Celsie's daughter. I already got the stuff to make it with but I just need to go to my parents and do it.

Work has been hectic. A fabric and craft store around halloween and in preperation for Christmas is just pure chaos. I hardly have time to breathe when I'm there. A while back, a really rude customer came in. She has been in quite a few times before. I deal with rude bitches a lot but some reason, I couldn't quite take this one. She made me cry right in front of other customers and I was stuck at the register all teary eyed until someone could finally cover me. My manager is really sweet and gave me a chance to get over it before getting back to work and kept complimenting how well I took care of her. Even though I broke down like a baby, I guess the fact that I didn't treat her the way she was treating me is good. I could have easily just told her to shut up and let me fix my mistake. Lesson for her: Don't go shopping in a store that you KNOW is always busy when you are in a huge hurry to something and are incredibly impatient and have a shitty life. One funny thing is that she DID special order something from us so I could easily track down her name and address. :) Be careful how you treat the people that are serving you ANYTHING, not just food. :)

I also got a new phone this month which is nice. My old one was from the beginning of 2007 and it was starting to do weird stuff. I figured it was time for an upgrade. Since I text more than anything, it's nice having a full keyboard.

Better go get ready for bed. I work way too early in the morning and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. Bleh!

VLOOOOGTOBER!

2009-09-30T09:53:00.000-07:00

Ok It looks like I'm going to attempt Vlogtober. I will upload each video the day AFTER it's recorded so I won't be posting until October 2 and it will go through November 1. Kind of like how Shaytards and CTFxC do it. It makes it so much less stressful when I can upload it the next day instead of trying to fit it in the same day.

My problem is that I am currently piggybacking my internet (you'll see why on my first video) so sometimes it disconnects and I have to start over.

"See" you October 2nd!

Play that funky music white boy..

2009-09-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii there readers. Wow, I really dragged that one on.
I just woke up, if that makes any difference. I don't work today which is wonderful but I always spend the first half (if not all) of my days off of work being very slow and lazy.
Yesterday at work was one of those "this is the day that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends!..." kind of days. Oh man, I felt like going to the back room and hiding there a couple times. It just wasn't fun at all. Me and the other lady at the cutting counter almost didn't get to go on our breaks because we kept asking over and over for someone to come and help at the cutting counter so that one of us could go but no one would EVER respond. Not even to say, "Sorry, we're all busy!" They WOULD respond if we asked them any other question though meaning they COULD HEAR US. Made me angry. We eventually went on our breaks way after they were supposed to be when another lady arrived to work. Thank you.

So what has happened since my last update?
Oh!

On September 16th, Isaac had his visa interview at the US Embassy in London. All went well except for one thing that I didn't do. I didn't get a paper notarized. I'll do that today when I bring my check into the bank. SO when I send that to him and then he sends it along with his passport to the embassy, he will then have the visa! Next step in this process would be for him to pack his stuff that he's sending over here and finding the best/cheapest way to send it all.

On the 18th, Lindsay invited me to see a band her co-worker's in called "Funkamungus". It was at Stillwater in Ashland which is a small dark bar that took ages to find. We were looking for some sort of sign but never saw one. Instead, we just saw the address painted on the side. I wasn't really expecting much, to be honest. When we arrived at around 8 (when the doors opened) and the show was to start at 9. At first we just looked in only to see a couple people so we went on a little walk and then came back. When we came back, there was slightly more people so we went in and waited. During the wait, the crowd grew. Finally at about 9:15 or so, they started.
At first I just felt awkward there... as I do anywhere. We kept trying to find a place in the growing crowd to view from but we were always ending up by the water cooler, the back room door, etc. Just constantly having to move out of the way for people. Just way too small in there for all those people!
We then left to Albertsons to get out for a moment and when we came back in it was like a wall of heat hit us when we walked in. It felt as though you can't breathe!
After they had a little break and they opened some doors for air, we moved to a better location. There's where we actually got into it and I had a blast dancing to the funky music! Oh man, why aren't there more funk bands? Seriously, I had so much fun and everyone there was enjoying it as much as I was. Everyone was a dancing fool, seriously. I didn't care that I was in a big group of strangers (ahh social problemsssssss!) and it was super hot in there. We left at midnight because Lindsay had to get home so we didn't get to see the whole thing.
Ok that was my experience but what about the band? Were they actually any good?
YES! The band website had their bios which need to be updated because there are a couple people that are different. They had a trumpet player which isn't on there and a different singer. They really got into the music and looked like they were having a party on stage as well just dancing and laughing. They were really entertaining for me.
I do like funk music but since I've never heard anyone play it live, I didn't know I like it as much as I do.
So thank you, Funkamungus.

There are pictures on their website from that night. Unfortunately, you can't hear the music or feel the vibe of the crowd in them. You can't even really tell how much everyone was dancing! So thank you, Lindsay, for inviting me.

On the 21st we had a bunch of fires in our area which was scary.

Other than that, I haven't had much going on.

Junk all over!

2009-09-06T22:51:00.000-07:00

Something I've been needing to get is a queen sized bed. You can't really expect us to share a twin when we get married, can you? Besides, it would be nice to upgrade. Well, I finally got one! Well, the mattress set anyways. Not the bed frame or anything but that's alright.
I went looking all over for something affordable but still cheap. I ended up finding a floor model for a pretty good price and then when the guy mentioned shipping costs ($55), I hesitated and started wondering if I knew someone with a truck that could get it for me. Well, the man ended up lowering the price of the mattress $55! So it was like getting free shipping! I was happy about that, so of course I got it.
That will be coming on Tuesday.

The bed I have now has drawers in it that I kept a bunch of stuff stored in. I realized I need to find a place to put it all and that has been making my head a'splode!

I have stuff all over this house, it seems. It wouldn't be that bad but I already have about 85% of the stuff I need to move out (which means I just need main furniture stuff and a few random items). Kitchen stuff, bathroom items, etc. I am taking up a bunch of space in my room with it, a bunch of space in the office closet, and then even more in the spare bedroom. I feel like I'm taking up way too much space but it wouldn't be that bad if I moved out and was able to put it all where it belongs! And it's good that I already have most of it so I don't have to worry later. I just really don't like having to shove so much in small spaces! Drives me nuts!
So then when I need to store even small items away, I'm all out of room! So I've been spending most of tonight trying to re-organize it.

I also planned on having a yard sale this summer but it's already September and I don't know if I'll even be able to do it soon! So I might have to just Craigslist it all or something. I'm trying to get rid of a lot of random stuff.

One item I want to sell is my old (well, like 2006 old) camcorder. I hardly used it because it takes mini-dv tapes and I really don't have the patience to wait for that to import onto my computer. It's not HD or anything but it's not a webcam so I will try and sell it. Not sure how much for. If I can't sell it locally, I will probably go on Ebay.

I have BAGS and BAGS and BOXES of stuff to get rid of, a lot of which is pretty nice and I just never used so I am hoping to get a little money from it instead of just giving it away.

Whoa I talk about nothing but say so much.......

Princess wedding?

2009-08-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

I think it's funny how often I hear things about how EVERY LITTLE GIRL dreams of:

Being a princess
Getting married in a castle
A fairytale wedding

...Etc.
I never did! I was too busy dreaming about the guy!

But I am having problems with colors for it. >_<

I'm a bitch

2009-08-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

I miss painting and crafty stuff. I really do have the time for it but I normally just end up getting out of the house because I don't feel like wasting summer any more than I already am. That's probably why so many more people do those things (and sew) in the winter. You're trapped inside anyway so why not?
The clean up process after making the mess is also a bummer. I can't help but think about how much of a pain it is to clean out paint brushes and all of that stuff when I'm done and I don't even want to make the mess anymore. Where can I get a free maid that will do all this for me? Meh.
In that sense, I am excited for fall and winter. At the same time I feel as though I haven't had much of a summer. It's not as though I ever really did any of my life. I've always been a nerd that just hid away waiting for summer to end. The main reason is because I had/have hyperhidrosis which is completely embarrassing and in summer I couldn't hide it with a jacket. Fortunately, that's not something I have to deal with as much anymore but it took years to mentally recover from the humiliation and problems it caused.
Still, I don't have many friends (only 2 I've seen in MONTHS) and it's pretty hard having fun when you're alone. I just wish I could have a fun summery summer for once and not regret wasting it all away being a loser. !97297927 (*@&982729 (*&2 298eoiywhdjkc

It's getting harder and harder for me to work at the type of job I have. The idea of me doing it for a few more years or my whole life kills me. It's not the co-workers, I just have a really really REALLY hard time dealing with customers. I complain about them often enough on here. Just sitting here, I feel like screaming or crying thinking about how much a pain so many of them seem to be. It might actually just be a few but they really stick out in my head and I automatically just view all customers as this way. I am sick of the ones that treat me like crap and assume I make the rules of the store I work at. NEWS FLASH: I don't! I am also not the one that supplies the store with merchandise so I have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS GONE OR DOESN'T EXIST!
It's also getting harder for me to keep my cool with them. I used to be able to smile or treat them nicely until they left but this anger bottled up in me and I used to cry after work... a lot. Now, if a customer is so rude to me that I can't handle it, I don't bother being nice. It's not as though I yell at them or call them anything rude to their face, I just give them a cold shoulder. This isn't professional but they should learn to treat people better. It's a good thing I don't serve food, I'm sure you could imagine what I'd do with that. :)

It's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.

Bleh

2009-08-17T00:52:00.000-07:00

I hate when you've had a full day of events...
but you get home to sleep and all you can think about is little things you've said or done or didn't do and you feel embarrassed or annoyed or just tired of yourself.
Maybe that's just me.
Headache.

Sleep

2009-08-15T23:44:00.000-07:00

I should be asleep. I work in the morning and then have plans with Lindsay after work. I want to be awake for this.
But I can't.
I bet you're expecting me to say something is on my mind and it is making me unable to sleep.

The truth is..

I ate one of those long tubes of Pixie Stix tonight. I bought two of them when I went to see Lindsay where she works. I haven't had Pixie Stix in a long time but it's been even longer since I've had the giant kind. I forgot that they are impossible to open without a knife or something. I spent about 10 minutes chewing on the end until it burst open.

So now I have a ton of sugar in me and I can feel it. When will I crash?

Oh wait a second.
I put the window with the blog down as I went to some other sites and I am suddenly very tired so now Melody goes night-night.

I also realized recently that I say "I" a lot and start most of my sentences with it. How can I avoid that? Seriously. It's bugging me.

I'm a loser.

2009-08-13T21:36:00.000-07:00

I created a tumblr for Isaac and myself to use for updates and stuff. Tumblr stuff, but ours. It's easier than creating our own ugly site.

I also deleted my BowieChick MySpace account because I don't have a reason for it.

I really need to clean my room. Really clean it. I only ever really go in there to get ready and sleep so I haven't really felt much like it's my place to go so I haven't kept it clean.
My brain feels like a mess as well. Constantly feeling on edge and like I'm waiting for my life to really start.
I miss painting and crafting and listening to music.
It's all stuff that I some reason haven't had much time for. I could be listening to music now but I always feel like I'll never be able to complete an album. I don't know why, I am honestly not very busy. My head just is.

I miss my Love, Isaac.

Lately I have been uncomfortable with my own awkwardness and inability to connect at some level with other people. I haven't been keeping in contact with any friends except for Isaac (no shit), Lindsay, and Celsie. I feel badly about this but that still doesn't get me to pick up the phone and call all the others up. I love them and I don't have an explanation for that.

I realized that if I keep sitting at my house waiting for just my couple of friends to become available to do something with, I am not going to experience much. What do I want to experience? I don't know. I feel like I am supposed to be living life now and instead I am just going through a routine of working, talking to Isaac, sleeping, and possibly seeing one of my friends or just wasting gasoline in my car. As much as I love Isaac and my friends... and sleep... I don't like living every day the same exact way.

I need to see fresh faces or new places. That rhyme was not intentional.

Problem: as I've earlier mentioned, I have social problems. Besides Isaac, I haven't made any real new friends since middle or elementary school. And I met Isaac ONLINE for Pete's sake (who is Pete?). That just shows that I don't know how to make friends in the real world or talk to people for the first time. I CAN'T DO IT. I have a hard time even making bloody eye contact, unless I'm at work where I don't even feel like myself.

I feel so stuck with my low self esteem and discomfort.

All my life I have constantly heard people say I am "shy" and I FUCKING HATE being called that. Why? Because the more people say it, the more shy I get.

I am kind of going all over the place right now, I don't even know where my rant started. I can rant on and on about how ugly or lame I think I am, trust me.

Tired, but still sober

2009-08-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I am tired and can't wait for a day or two or four off. ;)
Even with short shifts, it still messes with my days. Waking up earlier or whatever, having to make plans around it, and then thinking about my next day at work.
I really can't complain, it's a job. Plus, I begged for this job back. Well, not really. I just went in and said "HEY!" and got it back. Not exactly like that but it may as well have been. Still, I appreciate my job but I can never get used to CUSTOMERS. You, customers, are the reason it's hard to go to work. You, customers, are the reason I want to hide in a corner and wimper.
Don't worry, I know that most customers are just human but those few/hundred that come in daily and don't have anything better to do than make me feel like shit are really making me bitter about ALL customers. Sorry about that, I don't hate you all. :)
Anyone in any kind of customer service job can probably relate. Oh the horror. Oh the minimum wage. Oh.
So I'm 21 now. Not much exciting about that. I don't drink and haven't drank anything yet. No, seriously. Ever. In my life. Haven't had alcohol. Never felt the need or anything and never set myself in an environment where people were drinking. Plus, I kind of liked knowing that I am/was a rare breed - under aged people that didn't drink alcohol. Even when I checked "No" next to "drinks alcohol" on a questionnaire at the doctor's office, the doctor assumed I just didn't want to say yes and get in trouble for being under 21. Psh, my answer IS no.
Now, that's not to say that I thought everyone that drank as a teenager is inferior or stupid. I just didn't feel like I needed to. Though I must say that I will never understand people who only seem to hang out with friends if they are drinking. I see it on MySpace on the time. It seems like people only have pictures of themselves at partys with a drink in their hands acting careless. I even remember this in high school.
But now that that has been said, I will most likely drink some time soon. I mean, I'm 21. I've reached my "goal". I remember when I was a child and told myself I wouldn't drink until I was old enough. It's not as though I had to consiously remind myself all the time of this or that I felt pressured by society to. It stuck with me, that's all. We will see how this goes. >_<
And now, I shall go. I'm so bloody tired. I have no idea why I'm even up or why I typed a blog when I rather be in bed. I have been tired since I woke up early this morning! Crazy Melody.

Entered a contest thing

2009-08-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

I really don't think we have a chance of winning but it would be bloody brilliant if we did, right?
http://global.theknot.com/contests/Estee-Lauder-Love-Story-Contest/Story.aspx?EntryId=660

One of those days...

2009-08-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those Instant Lunch soup in a cup kind of days. I don't even like the stuff much but we have it in the house and it's easy. I don't have to think about it! Plus I have Cheez-Its in a Spiderman bowl and some iced tea. Healthy, I know.
I am just so lazy today I didn't bother with breakfast, though I woke early enough that I should have had some. My stomach was gr0wling and I rather sit at the computer.
It's pretty sad actually. This week, going as crappy as it already is, would be the perfect week to take my day off and go do something fun. I just don't have the willpower to get my butt out of these comfy pajamas at the moment.

2009 Sucks

2009-07-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

When Isaac was leaving America at the end of October 2008, I already knew that 2009 was going to suck. At that time, I actually thought we'd be able to see each other at least once or twice this year but that still didn't seem like enough.
That has changed. In the beginning of this year we came to the realization that we can't see each other AT ALL (in person) this year. It would cost too much and we need the money for his moving here and our marriage and everything. And immigration is stressful and hard to deal with. If a couple wasn't strong enough, this process would really split them apart I'm sure. We're doing well though, we have to work together.
So if that's not sucky enough...
People keep dying all over. Not just celebs, mind you. Neighbor, grandpa, people. Not people I'm necessarily that close to but still more than I'm used to. Ziggy got horribly sick and that was scary. Now my dog Daisy is really hurt in her rib area. She can't roll over or lay on her side and we can't pick her up without her crying.
Plus my mom getting that twisted ovary and going to the hospital for a while with a while of thinking it could be an cancerous cyst.
And while we are trying to pay that off, I had to go to the doctor for something that I won't even talk about. More money. Keep having to have my blood drawn. Even MORE money. And now taking hormone pills because I'm a man... EVEN MORE MONEY. It's hard to stay calm about this stuff when you also have to think about the fact that it's bloody expensive!
Plus, Jon and Kate separating and all that shit. Seriously, that bothers me. I am officially on Kate's side of things. Jon needs to grow up.
That kind of lined up with my friend Celsie and her ex. They have a wonderful daughter and were going to get married back in like May or something. Well, they broke up. They are still friends and he isn't abandoning their daughter, he takes her every other week. It's just sad.

I might just be focusing too much on the bad and not on the good but seriously, I am not liking this year. I can't wait until 2010 because I feel that will be a good one.

In other news, my 21st birthday is on the 7th of August which is a week and a day ahead. Too bad I work that day, and all the days around it.

Bike seat / edit

2009-07-26T09:20:00.000-07:00

My dad originally thought that for what ever reason, the new bike saddle wouldn't fit on my bike. He has put bike seats on before, so I assumed he knew what he was saying. Yesterday before taking my seat in he realized that it does, in face, fit. He just saw it differently at first.
Yay! Now I have a comfortable bike seat.

In other news, I'm sore from cleaning the clearance fabrics yesterday. Those are always a pain because customers don't even bother to even try and keep it nice. It's also in the back and low priority on our fabric straightening so we neglect it as well and it isn't kept up but we recently had a bunch of fabric go on clearance so I needed to make room for it. *Pats self on back* I like it better when I'm not given a job, I just decide to do it. Heh.

Sick Ziggy, wedding dress, and a sore ass!

2009-07-24T18:35:00.000-07:00

It has been almost 2 weeks since I've updated but it feels like longer, for whatever reason.
It's really hot in here and I have the fan blowing directly on my face but this blocks out any sound coming from around me. My mom just walked up behind and said something and it scared the crap out of me. Not literally, ew.
My week has been pretty hectic... but more mentally hectic than anything. I mean, I worked and was busy but I was constantly worried.
Ziggy has been sick for a while now. She had diarrhea and some days would seem alright and some days would just sleep. I should have taken her into the vet at that point. I am kicking myself for not. Well last Friday, the 17th, I woke up to see her on the bottom of the cage lying down with her head facing all the way up. She wouldn't put it down, just move it side to side. I've always heard about birds going to the bottom of the cage when dying so I assumed this was it.
I spent that day crying and holding her in a shirt. She wouldn't eat or drink water and only tumbled around a little on the bottom of the cage.
The next day, her head was no longer looking up but she still couldn't walk. She just slept, wrapped in the shirt and I called in work so I could take care of her. She began eating some millet but seemed almost too weak to chew much. I had to hold her over the water to get her to drink.
By Sunday she was eating the millet on her own after crawling over to it. I still had to help her to her water. She seemed bored at one point, pushing a ball around a tiny bit with her head. She also slept slightly less but still couldn't walk or perch.
I'm sure you get the idea. Still bad, but not great.
I finally got her into the vet on Wednesday morning. $164 later, she had her nails clipped, blood drawn, 2 shots, and all that jazz. We also went home with a medication and new organic bird food. I should have been giving them pellets this whole time, not seeds.

The vet said that she has some kind of neurological problem. The blood results came in yesterday and he suspects it may be lead poisoning. My question is, from what? Peter shows no signs and I don't know what Ziggy could have gotten into that he didn't. I always monitor when they are out.
Well today Ziggy is perching and is able to balance. She goes down to eat and drink on her own. She also won't shut up sometimes, she keeps singing which she hasn't done in a while. I put her back with Peter and they are staying side by side. It's so cute and I feel really relieved. I'm still worried because I don't know what the lead poisoning could be from. I am trying to think if there's anything new she's been chewing on (well, new at the time that the signs started).

In other news, I got my wedding dress! I'm more excited about this fact than I thought I'd be.It fits perfectly around my body but obviously needs to be hemmed. I thought I'd have to buy it myself but after making a deal with my mom to go 50/50, she ended up deciding she'd pay for it all. Isaac and I have to pay the wedding though. Not sure how much help we'll get with that. Oh well! But the dress is really nice, and simple. I like it. You guys will see a picture, I'm sure, but not until after the wedding. This means you'll have to wait until next year!
I went shopping with Lindsay the day before and I didn't see a single thing I liked. But the next day I went back to David's Bridal with my mom and I tried on a few, falling in love with the second dress. It was all really awkward for me though. I am not used to getting any attention from employees when trying on clothing so being the only one in the store and having all eyes on me was just weird. I'm really shy, so I'm sure I looked awkward.
The lady who helped me was nice though and seemed to understand what I was looking for, unlike other stores I went in. I went in an hour before closing and walked out of there with the dress in my arms before the store even closed! They called me a power shopper, my mind was made up. She even hand wrote me a letter a few days later!

I know they do it for everyone, but it's still thoughtful.

Lindsay and I rode our bikes for a few hours yesterday. We went a lot further than we thought we would. The ride there was fine but by the time we headed back I was just hot and tired and my butt hurt like a bitch. Those bike seats aren't made for women's wide set butt bones.
So today I went out and got a nice "womens" bike seat only to find out it doesn't work with the kind of pole I have. In fact, I'm not sure anything does. So my dad is taking it into a specialty bike store tomorrow for me and seeing if they have a replacement pole thing. Or if anything can be done. Seriously, my ass hurts like crazy right now and that's not fun.

P.S. If you don't have any Human Bean coffee places in your area you're missing out. I find so many coffee places to be way too expensive and not that great but I really love The Human Bean. The employees always seem to be nice PLUS you always get a chocolate covered coffee bean with it and that totally makes it a WIN.

Father

2009-07-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

You know when someone has low expectations of you and no matter what you do, you can't please them? And you know how that makes you not even try because it doesn't matter either way anyway?
That kind of explains my relationship with my father.
No matter what I say, I make him angry for it. He always thinks I am saying things to him to piss him off or everything I DO is purely done to piss him off. I'm not even a bad "kid". I sanitize the remote and he gets angry at me. Seriously, I can't clean anything without him assuming it's because of the fact that he doesn't always wash his hands. Which maybe it sometimes IS for that reason, but it's rude of him to expect us to live with it. People clean things when they get gross, get used to it.
Or if he asks me a question and I don't answer with how he wants me to answer, he either has to get some mean last word in or he shakes his head and walks off. The thing is, he misinterprets EVERY THING I SAY. I can tell him it's hot outside and he'll find something insulting in that.
What makes it worse is he has this thing where he has to get the last word in and won't let me even speak so I can't clear up his misunderstanding.
So this leads to me not even wanting to BOTHER to talk to him. If I do, it ends up coming out of my mouth in a teenagerish sarcastic tone. Why? Because it's what he expects and it doesn't make a difference anyways.
I wish he would make an effort to not find an insult in every thing I do and say.

He really just doesn't know me. What he "knows" is that I "Sit on the computer all day". That's seriously one of the first things he tells people when he introduces me. Yeah, really nice. Hey Dad, ever consider that I spend most of that time talking to the man I love? He doesn't know what I do all day, he just assumes I spend it on the computer.
Well I know what he does all day (when he's not working). He watches tv. All the time. He spends as much time as I spend online watching tv. And at least going online works your brain and I'm interacting with people. How would you feel if everytime I was introducing you to someone I said, "This is dad. He watches tv."

My thoughts on MJ

2009-07-08T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of Michael Jackson's music. I noticed that many people seem to only have come out as "fans" after his death and would have probably joked about him and some children just before it all happened which makes it almost hard to listen to him right now. I just feel like so many people suddenly like him and it angers me that they didn't care before.
I mean, I can understand and I'm sure they liked his music alright before hand but as with most people, he wasn't completely appreciated until after his death. I'm sure in a week or two many people will shut up about him and go back to listening to Jonas Brothers...
When I listen to him now I can't shake the feeling that I am ONLY doing it because he's what's popular right now. But SCREW that feeling! I listened to him even in the week BEFORE his death as with every week before THEN! I listened to and thoroughly enjoyed every second of his music. It's just so alive and emotional, the whole lot of it.
So if someone catches me listening to and dancing to Michael Jackson right now, it's nothing new...

Anyways, on from that rant. I watched the memorial today and I was in tears most of the time. Other times, I was almost ready to scream from awkwardness. People say that Brooke Shields brought them to tears but she just made me feel almost embarrassed. The way she spoke seemed like bad acting and it didn't move me at all. Maria Carey is unbearable for me to watch with those hand movements she can't seem to stop. And I loved that MJ's daughter spoke but the family reaching in moving the mic and Janet telling her to speak up made me so uncomfortable! All those hands reminded me of the Helping Hands on Labyrinth in the scene where Sarah is falling down and all the hands are reaching out to grab her, wtf! Just leave the girl alone, we could hear her fine and you're causing too much commotion!

But really, I thought it was a fitting public memorial for Michael Jackson.

Oh and over a year ago I made a video dressed as Charlie Chaplin dancing to "Bad" and I honestly had no idea there was any connection between Charlie and Michael. I had no idea MJ was a fan of CC! Fun times...

4th of July

2009-07-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today we celebrate America's independence from Britain.

All I want is my British man here with me in America.

Spiders

2009-06-14T22:23:00.000-07:00

We get a lot of spiders in our house and I just went into the kitchen, turned on the light, and there was a HUGE one on the wall. I hate killing those. I just feel sorry for them. They are just minding their own business, most of the time. At the same time, I can't stand them in my house! They scare the shit out of me.
So, I kill them.
Normally if it's during the day I will make a loud noise while doing it to cover that nasty popping sound they make when killed. That sound haunts me. Unfortunately, when it's late at night and people are sleeping, I just have to bear it. I also hate when the tissue is too thin between your hand and the spider and you can FEEL IT!
I always apologize after killing bugs. "Sorry spider!!" And I do feel sorry, I honestly do. Except for ants. Those are just little devils. I hate them. They invade every summer no matter how much poison we try. Seriously, we do everything. They take over the kitchen and we just have to enjoy a little bit of ant seasoning in everything. Don't you hate the smell of squished ants??

Ok, there's a bit of a less emo sounding blog. But I am still in just as bad of a mood, don't get too excited.

I feel like a teenager...

2009-06-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

These last three days have been just crap for me.
I just feel so down and emotional. I can't handle stress well right now.
Last night I was tossing and turning with anxiety and I can't pinpoint a reason. Then I started freaking out about nothing. Like I thought I couldn't breathe and then I felt like the sleeve of my shirt was too tight and cutting into my skin (which it wasn't even close!). I feel like I'm going crazy!
It doesn't help that Isaac's computer won't let us talk for more than a hello goodbye. I hope he can get that fixed. Tomorrow I will only be able to say "Hi, bye!" to him because I get off work later. So with yesterday, today, and tomorrow total may equal about 2 hours together or less. We normally talk HOURS a day. Seriously.
And today we didn't even talk. He spent most of the time that we had together getting the pictures off his camera from today. He went to the London International Music Show which had his favorite Steve Vai. Then his computer shut down.
I've just been feeling some strange stress and loneliness that I don't like and don't know what to do about. It's only been for about 3 days but it has felt like ages. I liked being happy.
It just makes me feel a bit like a teenager. Moody, lonely, depressed. Emo. Lawls.
Plus, customers were really rude at work today. It's not our fault you all decide to come at once and cause a big line! We're trying to help you! Just grab a freakin' number!
I'm not able to handle this right now. I just need to talk to Isaac but I haven't had that opportunity at all.

So like a couple weeks ago I went to the doctors and had my blood drawn. My health came back pretty much perfect but the one thing that was off is I guess I'm too much of a man. Yes, you heard me! Too much testosterone. Kind of embarrassing but it's really common so whatever. Women have testosterone my levels are just a little high. I believe it. I am wondering if the medication is messing with me a bit or something. Or maybe I am PMSing. I am part female, after all. I do PMS...

Shit sucks

2009-06-13T16:32:00.000-07:00

I'm in my don't-feel-like-blogging-much stage right now. It comes and goes. Sometimes I blog every day! Where does that come from? Does my head grow a bit every once in a while to the point that I feel important enough to blog about nothing? Meh.
I've been kind of down the last couple days. Isaac's computer has been having problems. Starting with the printer, which bothers us because that means he can't print out the forms he needs for immigration. Today his computer is randomly shutting off and smells like burning electricity or something. We cut our talk short today so his computer can rest. We don't want it exploding on us! The guy who built it is coming in on Monday so hopefully he can help him out.
There's also other annoying stuff going on I prefer not to talk about so publicly.
Let's hope my mood improves again and I can get on with my life.

BTW, changed the template on here. Like it? I also changed the look of the IseAndMel website. It's just done on paint but I think it looks fun anyway.

Blog suggestion

2009-06-13T14:34:00.000-07:00

Blog suggestion:
The Weekly Menu
My friend Jen has created a new blog where she posts a week long menu along with a shopping list for that week. If you're like me, it's hard to think of what to make and going to a recipe site hardly helps because there are too many choices!
She's my friend so that should be reason enough to promote her blog. Check it out!

Awkward!

2009-05-27T22:36:00.000-07:00

Suggested site of the moment: Awkward Family Photos!!!
Isaac and I had a blast looking at these and I just noticed they updated quite a bit since I last looked. Seriously, look at them all! They are amazing. You need to read the captions because they make the photos so much better. Seriously. GO!

GOOD NEWS!
Isaac got his old job back! Well, kind of. Same place, different hours. We're very happy about this because it has been so difficult to get a job over there for anyone. He never gave up trying which I am so proud of because it was getting to the point that it seemed impossible. Luckily, people he worked with told him about the opening and next thing we knew he had the job. Yay!

17 year old Melody is NOT ME

2009-05-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

I know that I see videos or blogs of people that say the same things as I am about to say but I feel the need to say this anyway.

I AM NOT WHO I WAS 3 YEARS AGO!

You guys have the "privilege" to watch me grow from late teens to early adulthood and that means you are also watching me go through mental growth and changes.
Most people realize this but every once in a while I get a complaint that I have changed (both the way I act and look) and they don't like it. Get over it! This is me NOW. Three years ago I was a pretty pathetic creature, in my opinion. I was still a child and I didn't know how to form opinions of my own or be my own person. I was still crushing on every guy that crossed my path! I remember even constantly worrying about how every single person in my school would view me.
I am almost 21 now and if you don't see how my views on things and my personality can change since the age of 17 you need a smack in the back of the head.

I am different than I was in high school and I will continue morphing as I grow. It's part of life and you are watching it.

ANTM

2009-05-13T20:56:00.000-07:00

If you don't follow me on everything you might not already know that I am not-so-secretly in love with America's Next Top Model. When they first started it I avoided watching it because I judged it too quickly. One day about 3.5 years ago or so I watched reruns on TV and from then on I was hooked.
Most seasons I end up liking the weird girls that you know won't make it far. I like the interesting ones with fun personalities! But unfortunately, the girls I root for hardly ever make it near the end. In fact, I normally cringe when they announce the winners. McKey? Whitney? Saleisha? Bored.
If you watch the show you may be able to guess who I was rooting for based on what I've described. Allison and Celia were two that I liked. I had a feeling Celia wasn't going to win but I REALLY didn't think Allison would make it to the final two! What?? Creepy Chan? Final two? REALLY? She surprised me. She may be a little awkward but I loved her photographs and her walk really improved by the end.
By the time they were down to 5, I had a feeling Teyona was going to win. She's pretty, sure, but I didn't find that much interesting about her.
It always feel weird talking about the show like this because I don't normally follow TV series and I don't normally judge people this much but that's kind of the point of the show, right?
I don't even know if there was a point I wanted to make in this blog or if I just wanted to blabber on about ANTM. Meh.

"Guns don't kill people..."

2009-05-08T14:57:00.000-07:00

I will make a blog about my mom some other time and her operation but right now I want to talk a bit about guns. I will keep this short.

I hate guns. I really do. I also hate how people try to defend them so much. Oh, shut up. I've heard it all and I think it's all lame.

Here's something someone wrote that kind of explains what I think.

I also hate hunting. If you live out there and you have to hunt to survive, go for it! But if you live in the city and go to the store to buy your meat but just go hunting for fun? Fuck you, seriously. Excuse my language. Sad, pathetic, I could go on. Have children and you got them a gun so they can shoot animals with you? Oh what a wonderful life! Oh yes, video games are horrible *rolls eyes*.

I don't think hunting or guns make someone manly or tough. Want to win over my heart? Use your brain.

I'm so glad I found a guy that's on my side with this. No wonder I don't like American men.

/rant

Going grey.

2009-04-30T23:36:00.001-07:00

[Insert loud sigh here]
Yes, last VEDA video done today and in 24 minutes, it will be May 1st. April was weird. Weird weird weeeeeeeird. I blame it on VEDA. Oh and the fact that I worked only one day this month. It took a long time for my manager to get me on the schedule so I only worked a day I was called in because I think someone called in sick or something. I really re-start my job in this first week of May.
May already? Really? I am just realizing it's actually going kind of fast.

So why did VEDA mess with my mind so much? Because it's all I can think about! I wake up in the morning and have to plan my day around filming and editing a video which can be quite a chore, even for a simple one. And then I have to try and keep thinking about what I could possibly talk about the next day. Most of the time I would never think of anything but I couldn't stop thinking about it!
In fact, I still am. I feel like I have to make a video tomorrow! BLAH! NO VIDEO TOMORROW HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Enough about VEDA.

I'm getting old. I keep finding grey hairs. They are all about 2 inches long and in random spots on my head. Lovely! I'm not going to pull them out though because that trend seems pointless to me. It's just a grey hair, it's not a disease. Besides, even tugging on them hurts. I don't like pulling out my hair!
It just means I'm maturing. Ha.

Go away, I don't want you!

2009-04-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

Blogs are great. I'm going to blog now.

Do you have shit to say about how our (mine and Isaac's) relationship and marriage won't work? Funny, I noticed you were a single old man that knows nothing about our relationship and strength.

Nothing against unmarried men that are advanced in age or anything... but complete offense to those that I am referring to. And yes, it's relevant to mention that you're SINGLE and OLD and a MAN. With those details I can easily come to the conclusion that you have no idea what you're talking about and there's even a possibility you want me single just so you can dream of having me. Sigh.

I still find it interesting that my demographics are 68% male and of those males, 35-65 is the normal age range. I don't mean to offend any of you who may happen to be in this category but I'm sure you could understand why it kind of makes me uncomfortable, right?

In YouTube (s)news, tomorrow is the last day of April so quite obviously it's the last day of VEDA. I. Can't. Wait. To get it over with. I almost don't remember what it's like to not feel like I have to film and edit and post a video every day. It will certainly be nice for Isaac. We can actually talk without him having to sit through me editing. This all really does cut into our together time.

I am planning on doing my last VEDA out somewhere. Vlogging outside has got to be one of the most awkward things for me to do. I have this social anxiety that's pretty hard to deal with. The feeling I get when I whip out a camera, even around friends, in public is already hard enough. I can't seem to talk to the camera with people around, bah! All I can worry about when by myself is, "What if someone walks out from around that corner right now? How will I look sitting here by myself talking to a camera?" Wahh!! Some people can do it, but I know I'm not alone with this.

Now... what should I talk about tomorrow? Meh.

Lists of things.

2009-04-27T23:11:00.000-07:00

Place I currently wish I could go:

ENGLAND. More specifically: Where Isaac is. Obviously.
San Francisco. It has sounded like a fun place to go lately. I haven't been there in a while.
Disneyland! I could really use the fun.
The movie theater. I don't know if any movies are out but I haven't been to a movie theater in about a year or so. That shit's too much $.
Some place with lots of animals. Maybe Wildlife Safari again or something. That place is AWESOME.
Santa Cruz. Los Angeles... somewhere in California it seems! I love Oregon but sometimes (hardly, but SOMETIMES) I feel like a California person. Maybe because I was born in Santa Cruz? Nah, I just need to get away from here every once in a while.
Some mountain. I want to hike.
Seattle. I haven't gone to Washington since I was little and I REALLY want to go again.

People I want to see:

Isaac. That should be a given. Seriously, did I NEED to say? <3
Lindsay. I saw her a couple days ago as we went on a LONG walk all over the place but I want us to just chill or something.
Amanda, Jen, and Megan. Plus Lindsay. All at once. I want our group back together! See, Amanda's in New Mexico now (well, now as in for almost 3 years haha), Jen's in Idaho with her husband Johnathan and baby in belly, and Megan's IN Oregon but we just don't talk or see each other. Sometimes the idea of just having that high school free silly fun seems so nice but I don't know if it will ever be the same. Oh well, still want us all together again even if it's to complain about work and talk about babies.
David Bowie. As much as I am no longer OBSESSED, I am still BowieChick. I want to see him live in concert at least once or get to see him face to face and say, "Hey."
Isaac's mom. Or mum? AHH WHAT IS SHE. She's going to be my mum. That's what I've decided. I won't call her my mother in law, she's just mum. I just want to meet her. Kind of all just related to how I just want to go there!
Water. Water is a person I want to see. My throat and mouth are asking to meet it. AHH I'M THIRSTY AND CRAZY.

Things I wish I had:

Chapstick on my lips RIGHT NOW. They are bothering me. Ok, wish just granted.
Isaac's arms around me and his lips on my cheek. Oh, sorry.
Different clothes. I get so sick of what I own and I am so tired of always wearing t-shirts and jeans and simple hoodies. I mean, it was great during high school but I'm not in high school anymore and it just makes me feel sloppy and a bit more ugly. I see others dressed like that and people can pull it off but I no longer am into it for myself. I like nice clothes, I really do. I just don't know how to dress myself and never have the money if I do see something I would love.
An apartment of my own. I know that staying here as long as I am allowed is really a nice thing for my parents to allow but I am getting to that point where I feel the need to get out. I know it isn't possible without money so...
Money and lots of it. Money can't buy happiness? I say BAH! Sure, I understand that saying but it all depends on how you use what you have spent that money on that makes you happy. I mean, that money could buy me a plane ticket to see Isaac at least once in 2009 and seeing him would make me happier. Or having the kind of money to buy a new computer for myself would mean I wouldn't have to use my dad's causing us to have arguments over who gets to use the computer and stuff. Or when I AM forced to use my computer I can't talk to Isaac on Skype because it drops every 10 seconds making me very angry and NOT happy. Computer = How I communicate with Isaac. Isaac = Happy. So, working computer all my own = happy.
Whoa, went on a little rant there but don't worry, I won't be spending any money I earn on a new computer anytime soon. In fact, probably no new computer for me until long after 2010. Oh well, I'll deal.

What I don't like about myself right now:

My obvious want for money and materialistic items. Shame.
My weight.
My laziness and lack of energy.
Reaccuring lack of creativity.
Inability to write or speak properly.
My screwed up sleep times.

What I do like about myself right now:

My heart. If feels nice all the time.
I haven't chewed on my nails in ages.
The way my hair looked today.

What I hope to accomplish this year:

Earn enough money on my own to pay for wedding, some sort of honeymoon, to help with Isaac's trip and shipping his stuff over (even if I don't have to), and still have enough saved up for everything else.
Get back into painting.
Make more stuff for Etsy.
Read a zillion books. Not really, just more than normal.
ChaCha a lot. I became a guide and it's kind of fun!
Do the best I can do at work. In the end, I'm getting payed to do it and that's great. Plus, everyone's amazing. Work is good, I need to remember.
Figure out what's wrong with my bike gears, fix it, and ride it more.
Lose at least 15 pounds.
Become a better friend.
Realize that I can make great friends on YouTube. I just need to be open to it in order for that to happen. I am a crap communicator, replyer, and internet friend.

Wind up working in a gas station

2009-04-27T22:53:00.000-07:00

I felt like writing a blog because even though I am vlogging everyday, I just feel more freedom in blogs. I mean, I don't even have to make sense and I don't seem to get complaints! Blogs are a little less strict.

Today was pretty boring. Nothing new there. I woke up at 10 which I hate doing. It feels too late to me. I mean, I love it if I stayed up until like 3 AM or something but ugh, I really DO like waking up at 8ish. Not surprisingly though, if I HAVE to wake up at 8ish to go to something I DON'T want to wake up. I have been waking around 10 lately and it makes me feel bad. I missed out on 2 perfectly good morning hours! And then I just end up eating a brunch instead of breakfast OR lunch and my day feels screwed.

I did go to the library though and returned my other book and got "Sloppy Firsts" by Megan McCafferty as suggested by HayleyGHoover on her blog.

I've been more into reading blogs lately, always checking my subscriptions on blogger to see if there's anything new to read. A constant reminder that I have a boring life... and that I suck at writing. Oh well, never thought I was good at it anyways. :)

I go through stages with my hair. Like the stages of not wanting to straighten it or anything and i just wear it in a naturally curly/frizzy ponytail and look like a mess. Or where I only wear it down and straight. Or only wear it UP and straight. Well as you might be able to tell I am currently in the down and curled (not natural curl, obviously) faze. I like this one, it makes me feel slightly less ugly and blah.

I am going to go through the comments on today's video and try and figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.

But first, I think I'm going to make a list. Or two. I feel like making lists, damn it! I will make it a separate post. Just because.

NewTube?

2009-04-17T01:05:00.000-07:00

I gave in and had a look at the current beginning selection of movies and shows available on YouTube now. I watched Carrie because I have never seen the whole thing before. That movie is just terrible! I mean like I can see why people liked it but it makes me angry and grosses me out. Anyways. It's weird, people said that the commercials ruined it but I didn't get commercials. But when I refreshed the page after watching the whole thing, there were commercials and ads. I could see the little yellow tabs for where all of them would be. Why weren't they there the first time?
I don't know, I'm fine I guess with them having this stuff I just hope it stays a little tab and they don't make it all the front page is about or something.

My video I uploaded today (the 16th) has crap quality. I filmed it with my camcorder which CAN have goodish quality but I did it in a pretty badly lit room so I had to up the brightness when editing which made it look a bit weird but then as I tried to export it widescreen, it went poo. It has bars all around and it is all pixely. I spent about an hour trying to play around with export settings on Adobe Premiere Elements 2.0 and then uploading private little tests to YouTube. Freakin' annoying. But I finally found out how to do it.... I think. I will really test it tomorrow when I make a video. We'll see how that works. Ahh!

I just realized it's 1:11 AM and I had plans on waking up earlier. Why do I do this? Blah!

Bye.

Stop

2009-04-12T17:01:00.001-07:00

I wish people would stop telling me how to live my life. People I have never met and people who don't know me. It just makes me angry. Stop please, now. Just. Stop. Telling. Me. What. To. Do.
The end bye.

Response

2009-04-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

I felt like responding to this comment on my last blog. I don't know who did it but whatever.

"You make your life too complicated. First anyone who has watched your videos for even a short time has seen video of you without makeup and/or with your hair in a curly wet ponytail. Maybe even a video of you in your PJs? Could be wrong about the PJs though. So if they weren't bothered enough to stop watching your videos the first time they saw you like that, they probably won't be now."
I don't make my life complicated, I don't know what that's all about. Just because I don't want to make a video when I'm not comfortable doesn't mean I am making things complicated. And I never said the reason is because I think people will unsubscribe, I could care less. I thought it was simple enough just to say I am not comfortable with it. I don't go out in public that way and I don't like people seeing me like that. I am not going to post a video I am uncomfortable with the public seeing. Sometimes I may post a video but when I'm sick I really don't want the world to see me.

"Anyway, isn't that what v-bloging is about? Real life? Unless you're are just aspiring to be one of those fake YouTube Partner v-blogers. Which would be sad if it was true."
I think you're looking too far into this. I am not trying to be fake, I am simply not comfortable without makeup and my hair all shit. I don't share every aspect of my life on YouTube and that is one I wish to rarely show, it doesn't make me at all fake.

"Same thing with your job. Don't make it complicated, by worrying about what other people are thinking. Just take care of yourself. Do your best work, have fun doing it as much as possible, and enjoy the people you are working with. That way things wont be so difficult for you."
Do you think I am choosing to think that way? It's just my insecurity that I have always dealt with. I can't just say to myself, "Ooh Melody, you're making it too complicated for yourself! Stop!" It's just how I am.

I am sure this comment was made with good intentions, or I hope anyways. I just felt like responding because it kind of felt like this person just assumes I am doing things for a reason and that they know what they are. Or something.

I have to go do stuff bye.

Ooh I want Poptarts!!

2009-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

Apparently the new Red Dwarf is crap. That's sad.

I didn't post a video today or yesterday which kind of ruins the whole idea of Vlogging EVERY DAY in April. Meh, people will get over it if they even care. I went into the whole thing with the idea in mind that I probably wouldn't be able to succeed in doing it every day. If I was to be doing the BLOG Every Day April, I would most likely be able to do it.
The truth is, I'm a girl who doesn't like the world to see me without makeup and with my hair in an ugly unruly curly wet ponytail. Oh and in PJs. I COULD easily get all ready just to make a video but I am sick right now with a pretty annoying cold and the IDEA of doing that is enough to make my head hurt.
Oh well, it's not the end of the world. Or even the month. I will still try to make as many videos as I can this month. I haven't completely given up on VEDA. Or even Vlog ALMOST Every Day April. VAEDA. It's an interesting experience and challenge.

I eat so much when I have a cold. It's pretty pathetic actually. At least I got some healthy food in today, haha.

I'm not sure when I will be starting work yet. I went in on Wednesday just to talk to the manager and get things sorted but I guess she wasn't able to "get me back in the system" until today. Whatever that means. I will go in tomorrow just to sign something and that's all I know. It may take a couple weeks to get me on the schedule. That would make sense, considering the schedules for these two weeks are already posted. Hmm.
It will feel so strange going back there. I left with the idea in my head that I wasn't going back and that my last day was my LAST DAY THERE. Not that I'm dreading going back, it will just be weird. Will it feel like going back in time 6ish months? I already feel kind of like that when I just go in to walk around!
I think it took me so long to go back just because I felt this fear of admitting in some way that I should have never left and that even though I some reason thought I could find better, I ended up in a crap job with hardly any money. Before I left, when I put in my two weeks notice, the manager told me that I could instead just take a month off while Isaac was here! That's an amazing opportunity. I mean, how many retail stores in America give someone that has only been there like 5 months a chance to take a month off and still have the job? That's hard to find, really. I am sure another reason I didn't just take that opportunity is because I'm kind of stubborn I guess. I already had it settled in my brain that I was leaving.
I will always remember this one day I went in to pick up my last paycheck. Isaac was with me (we also got some green fabric for a green screen but it has yet to be tested!) and he waited downstairs. I went up with one of the managers. She is one of those people who I just got the feeling didn't like me. I am bad with feelings though, I just assume most people don't like me. Anyways, we went upstairs to the office and I was signing some papers when she said, "I really miss having you here". Or something along those lines. I didn't know how to react, I wasn't expecting it at all.
And there's another one that I had some problems with in the beginning. The basic story of that is that I called in sick and must have gotten on her wrong nerve. She assumed I was faking and the way she spoke to me made me feel horrible. But as time went on, she made a point to tell me that I have really proven myself to her.
Now going back in there and having them seem happy to see me is just so wonderful. I didn't realize how great I had it there! I just don't have that confidence that I am good enough and when I am appreciated by people I work with/for, it makes me unbelievably happy. I think I got pretty lucky with that job and the people that work there.
I am curious to know what all those new women are like though. I hope none of them dislike me too much! Haha. "Who's this new person coming in acting like they already know everything??"
I wonder if I will eventually remember how to use the machines again.

I think Isaac was just doing a bit of the "Single Ladies" song. Haha!

Done talking.

Vlog every day?

2009-03-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I decided that today would be my day to be "crafty". I haven't done anything artistic in a while and I thought it'd be a good time. It's a bit complicated to work around talking Isaac for hours especially when I feel restricted on the computer so no conversation today, which is sad. But we will message a bit so it's all good.
I have some ideas of what I'm going to do but I'm just going to try to get in that zone. I miss being in the artsy mood! I know that the place I used to work really inspired me to be more artistic and that's yet ANOTHER thing that's good about it. Ahh!

So I noticed I seem to make a vlog about once a month now and I thought that whole "vlog everyday April" thing would be kind of.. interesting. I know it will make people unsubscribe but I kind of what to do it. For myself. No real set reasons though. I don't even know how it will work out and if I will actually be able to get myself to vlog EVERY DAY in April. Well, I'll think about it. I only have one day to think but we'll see. You guys will know whether I decide to do it or not obviously if I post a video tomorrow and stuff. I am a pretty lazy person and like to spend some days with crazy curly ugly hair or in PJs so I'm not sure how this will work out...

I made myself a hamburger and fries for lunch and I'm so stuffed. I couldn't finish it. I feel sick now, I'm not used to eating that much for lunch. BLAHH!

Caution: HOT!

2009-03-29T13:09:00.000-07:00

HANDLE WITH CARE
ESPECIALLY WHEN
SERVING CHILDREN

I am eating Maruchan Instant Lunch which I don't really like that much but there's not much in the house that's "instant" and I'm not in the mood to make anything. Sad, I know. I probably won't eat much or anything, just until I'm no longer hungry. Personally, I prefer Top Ramen in the whole "Easy to make cheap unhealthy noodle" category. I know it's shit but I used to eat it dry sometimes. Just sprinkle on the seasoning and break off a piece. Whatever, I do what I want!

I haven't blogged in a while. I don't really have anything to say I guess. That never stopped me before, I never have anything to say.

I applied again at my old job. I was already thinking about it but then an anonymous person in my comments on here suggested I re-apply there. I got more encouragement to do so when I got a comment from an old co-worker telling me to come back. I went in yesterday to speak with the manager and she said that as soon as there is an opening, she's calling me. She tends to hire people when she already has too many employees so I might be getting the job back pretty soon. Who knows though, I'm just top of the list. She even took my application and put it on top of all the others but with it sticking up to make it stand out. :)

It made me feel good to have some of the people there seeming excited to see me. I think that's one reason it was nicer to work there. I don't seem to easily get along with people my age but most of the people there are.. well.. not as young as myself. Plus I've never seen a guy working there EVER and most men piss me off. Man, I'm picky aren't I? Maybe it's just people in my area though...

I really do hope I get that job back soon because I miss getting money. I constantly regret how I treated money when I first worked there. I just hadn't learned my lesson yet about it and I thought, "Ahh it's just $20" or just not even thinking. I am sure that I even spent about half the money I EARNED in the same store I worked in. How sad is that? I have so much more to save for now. I can't be just spending my money like it's nothing! I feel as though my view of money and how to manage it has really improved and I feel it won't be a big problem. But, gosh, I do miss all that money.

Enough money and job talk.

Sundays aren't really my favorite days. In fact, probably my least favorite. But today is going alright. I actually feel like I can relax today and be totally lazy. I'm surprised I'm not in pajamas! I wish I had chocolate around the house though because that crap sounds good. Mmmmmm. Or chocolate ice cream. But not just plain chocolate ice cream, I mean chocolate ice cream with chunks of chocolate and stuff in it. Or really just any of the Ben & Jerry's brand. That stuff is... AHH STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! I'm torturing myself with these thoughts.

Bye guys.

Bubblegum ice cream 'n' things (Picture Blog)

2009-03-15T20:59:00.000-07:00

I looove bubblegum ice cream. I can't explain why, I just think it's wonderful. Maybe because it's not an easy find. Maybe because it brings back memories of getting it as a kid. Whatever it is, it's awesome. Both of those are bubblegum ice cream, both from the same place. Sometimes they have pink sometimes blue. My mom sometimes takes me (either just us or with niece and nephew) to this one supermarket that also sells ice cream by the scoop. If you're like me, you agree that most ice cream places are a HUGE RIPOFF. I mean, most charge the same for one tiny scoop as it would cost to just buy a WHOLE carton of ice cream. But can you believe that ice cream cone is what they call a "one scoop"? AND IT COST $1.20! I'm not kidding you! This place is seriously the best in the whole world. YES! Though "one scoop" on a cone is definitely more than you get in a bowl so I will always go for the cone.
My nephew really enjoyed his child size chocolate ice cream too:

HAHA!

Peter and Ziggy are just chillin'. Peter recently went through his first molt since I've had him which is why he has all those pinfeathers on his head and his cere looks flaky. Pinfeathers never look that nice but he will always be cute!
Both him and Ziggy have been pretty um... *clears throat*... randy lately. Not with each other or anything... yet... but with toys. They both have a different toy that they have been humping like animals... because they are animals. It's funny because Ziggy never did that before until Peter was in there. I never thought that she would, being a girl and all. Oh well, it's pretty funny to see them do. I don't think they will start going after each other anytime soon. They do feed each other which looks like kissing but as soon as Peter tries getting too close to Ziggy, she'll attack him. Poor thing. He has learned to defend himself a bit though but knows to just get out of her way. Ziggy has permanant birdie PMS.

And here's me with my friend Jackson. Isaac and I got him from the Family Fun Center or something, if I remember correctly. He accompanies me in my car every day. There is no reason as to why I am making that face. None at all.

I have had many of these coins since I was in elementary school. I don't know why and I don't know what to do with them either. They just sit in a box in a drawer. There are a couple from Isaac, if you couldn't guess, but the rest have no significance. I have never been to the places and there are a few that I can't even figure out what country they are from! Bahh! I also have a bunch of "fancy" rocks in the same box. What am I supposed to do with it all??

Hungry for a better job

2009-03-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

It's hard being employed yet feeling like you... aren't.
I keep trying to look for other jobs but you all should know how that is.

Ok so this place I work for has crap schedules since it's inventory and it all depends on what stores need you at the time and how many people they need. So it's not like we all get to go on every job. Every schedule you receive in the mail is COMPLETELY different. One week you may work ONE store that might even take 2 hours to do. Some weeks you may work a bunch of long shifts. It's all over the place! I already complained about the whacked hours so I won't even go there again.

Anyways, they send a schedule to you and you call and confirm which ones you will do. I normally do all they send me but in the end, I won't get very many jobs a month and my income is just shit. Well I am scheduled to work Tuesday and Wednesday next week and that's it. I kept waiting to receive a schedule in the mail for the next couple weeks but didn't get anything. Well just now I got the next schedule... BUT IT'S NOT UNTIL APRIL 16TH!

So that means I have a WHOLE MONTH off. Sounds wonderful, right? NO. I need money. It makes me feel unemployed. Even if they call me and ask me to do a store or two in between this time, it really won't help much in the end.

Plus the longer I am with this place the more I see WHY people online always say to get out of there as soon as I can. "Accuracy is our number one priority". Oh yeah? I think they should change that to SPEED is their number one priority. I feel like all I hear them talk about is their APH! And so many people seem to be just so grumpy all the time and I don't want to be like that. Also, I don't like traveling so much. I always fear my safety. It's not fun.

I've been trying frantically to find another job. Ugh this is hard.

There is hope for Isaac though. Someone he used to work with called him up and told him there's a job opening somewhere so Isaac went to hand in his CV (résumé for us non-Brits haha). That was a couple days ago and as far as I'm aware he hasn't heard anything since but I am really hoping he will hear back from them. Jobs are just as hard to find where he lives... if not harder.

Ok I better get out of PJs and wake up so I can do something productive.

Who else is having problems with their jobs? Go ahead, complain!

ABC Survey, long.

2009-03-11T18:53:00.000-07:00

A

- Available: Hell no.
- Age: 20
- Annoyance: Not having enough hours in my day today.
- Animal: Budgies!
- Actor: I don't have favorite actors.
- Actress: Don't have favorites, don't care to.

B

- Beer: Don't drink.
- Birthday/Birthplace: August 7 1988 in Santa Cruz, California!
- Best Friends: Isaac and Lindsay.
- Body Part on the opposite sex: I never had a favorite man-part (ahh!) but I like Isaac's lips, jaw, and ass. HAHAHA!
- Best feeling in the world: Love is great, seriously. It's totally NOT overrated!
- Best weather: Sunny but not too hot. I don't like to sweat too much and hate when it's so hot you can't move.
- Been on stage?: Yes. A couple times. A long time ago.
- Believe in yourself?: Sometimes.
- Believe in life on other planets: Well there could be, I'm open.
- Believe in miracles: Something like that.
- Believe in Magic: Illusions and "magical events".
- Believe in Religion: I believe religions exist, obviously! Strange question.
- Believe in Santa: No.
- Believe in Ghosts/spirits: I think about it, but don't have an answer.

C

- Car: I have one.
- Candy: I love it all!!!!!!!
- Cried in school: Yes, I'm a cry baby.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Chocolate most of the time.
- Chinese/Mexican: That's a hard one. Mexican is always good but I do love Chinese.
- Cake or pie: Cake.
- Country to visit: I would like to visit England for obvious reasons.

D

- Day or Night: Depends on what for. Normally day but night is nice too. :)
- Dream vehicle: I don't have one. Something nice and not too big.
- Dance: I only really do joke dancing. I can't dance.
- Dance in the rain?: Never really think about doing it but I've done it before.
- Do the splits?: Hell no. My knees have always been bad and last time I tried that was in middle school and my knee popped out of place! I am too afraid to try again because that's a HORRIBLE position to be in when your knee goes out.

E

- Eggs: Scrambled with bits of bacon or over easy. I don't like how most people cook them though so I have to do them myself... or my mom does.
- Eyes: I have them, yes. They are some greenish grayish Idontknowish coloer.
- Everyone has an: ass.
- Ever failed a class?: Yes.

F

- First crush: I think it was a guy name Jeff.
- Full name: Melody Nonyo Bezwax!
- First thoughts waking up: Ahh I didn't mean to sleep until 9!

G

- Greatest Fear(s): I don't want to think about it, I have so many.
- Goals: I have a bunch of those too. Don't know if they are goals as much as hopes though.
- Gum: I used to chew it all the time but now it's annoying. I still chew it on rare occasions.
- Get along with your parents?: Mom moreso.
- Good luck charm: Don't have one. Isaac's pretty charming though and he makes me feel lucky.

H

- Hair Colour: Brown with a tint of auburn. Haven't dyed it in a while.
- Height: 5′2″
- Happy: For the most part!
- Holiday: I like Halloween, it's fun normally.
- How do you want to die: Old and happy.
- Health freak?: Not really. It's not like I will just eat any junk I want but I don't really make as much effort as I should to eat right.
- Hate: The way so many people seem to view the world and other people. I hate how hateful so many people are.

I

- Ice Cream: I LOVE IT ALL.
- Instrument: I love when Isaac plays guitar but I don't play anything.

J

- Jewelery: I have mostly cheap stuff from Icing or places like that. The thing I wear more than anything is my engagement ring, obviously.
- Job: Crap inventory taker person.

K

- Kids: Don't have them but want them in the future. But not until we are financially and mentally completely ready. Don't want to be stupid about it. Things will happen as they happen though, no matter how we plan it.
- Kickboxing or karate: Karate.
- Keep a journal?: Used to but about mid-2008 I finished my last one and stated that I was done. I don't have a need for it anymore. I have 4 old ones though that are full.

L

- Longest Car Ride: Probably just the ones to California or Washington but I was young when we went on those so they ALL felt like days.
- Love: is good.
- Letter(s): As in of the alphabet or mail? I still write an occasional one to Isaac in the mail but everything it pretty much done online now.
- Laughed so hard you cried: Oh yeah.
- Love at first sight: No.

M

- Milk flavour: Chocolate. How many are there?
- Movie: Don't have a favorite.
- Mooned anyone?: Yeah when I was younger.
- Marriage: Getting there.
- Motion sickness?: Only if I already feel sick.
- McD’s or BK: BK I guess... or NEITHER.

N

- Number of Siblings: 7
- Number of Piercings: Ears
- Number: Don't have a favorite. Don't have a point.

O

- Overused Phrases: I don't know
- One phobia: Barf

P

- Place you’d like to live: Anywhere nice and isn't too expensive.
- Perfect Pizza: I love when some places make pepperoni on the pizza curl up and get crispy on the edges.
- Pepsi/Coke: Pepsi.

Q

- Quail: WTF?

R

- Reason to cry: I always find reasons to cry. Whether it is something serious and extremely cry-worthy or a freakin' Pampers commercial.
- Reality T.V.: America's Next Top Model WHICH IS ON SOON!
- Radio Station: Oldies.
- Roll your tongue in a circle?: Yeah.

S

- Song: Lots.
- Salad: GREEN with either Italian or Caesar dressing.
- Shrimp?: Fried, maybe.
- Sport?: I don't know!
- Skipped school: Only with my mom KNOWING. I did cut a PE Class once with Lindsay and we instead walked to McDonalds. I got ice-cream. Yeah, skip PE and eat crap! Hey, we walked at least.
- Slept outside: Yes, I love sleeping outside but not when it's cold.
- Seen a dead body?: Only of animals.
- Shower Daily?: Normally unless I'm having a lazy day.
- Sing well?: No!
- Stuffed Animals?: Have one, I think. Well it's a puppet.
- Single/Group dates: Single with Isaaaaaaaac!
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries though I'm beginning to like blueberry things again.
- Scientists need to invent: Lots of things! Can't think now. But if I was willing to take my time, I'd think of PLENTY of things.

T

- Time for bed: Whenever. Depends on when/if I work the next day.
- Thunderstorms: Are fun sometimes!
- TV: is kind of lame most of the time.
- Touch your tongue to your nose?: No.

U

- Unpredictable: Isaac just said, "I'd say so!"

V

- Vegetable you hate: Green beans. Unless they are the unhealthy kinds from a can. Those are good, I think.
- Vegetable you love: There are so many!
- Vacation spot: Oregon coast!

W

- Weakness: Cakes, cookies, candy, chocolates! Anything crap for me!
- When you grow up: I will be older.
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you?: Well Lindsay and I have the most in common but we don't really act like each other. We are all different.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Isaac.
- Worst feeling: When I want to give up on everything, including myself.
- Wanted to be a model: Yes, but then I realized I wasn't growing any taller. I still think it'd be fun.. if I was photogenic, taller, and thinner.
- Worst weather: When it's so windy it hurts COMBINED with freezing air.

X

-X-Ray: I've had them done to my teeth.

Y

-Year now?: 2009
-Yellow: Is a fun color but can't wear it!

Z

- Zoo animal: Monkeys are cool! Kings of the swings. Isaac wanted me to say that.
- Zodiac sign: Leo.

Last person who:

- Saw you cry: Isaac.
- Went to the movies with you: Probably Lindsay. It's been bloody AGES. Dark Knight.
- You went to the mall with: Myself. But before that it was my niece.
- Went to dinner with: I haven't gone out to dinner in so long. I don't even remember.
- Talked to on the phone: Lindsay I think.
- Made you laugh: Isaac.

Going through old diaries...

2009-03-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

So I was going through my old diaries and it makes me sad that I was so pathetic. Always talking about how fat I was (even when I wasn't) or about how much I wanted a boyfriend. And then WITH these "boyfriends" how I said I was in love and blah blah but um no. And I knew I wasn't but said I was. With most I would even lie in the diary, "Yeah I love him blah blah" but I remember knowing I wasn't in love. I just kept saying it for who knows what reason.
The worst one is actually about the infamous "Breakup" dude. Within the first month or so of going out with him I already said a bunch of things hinting that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about him. And then about halfway through the relationship on about 2/3 of the entries that even mentioned him were me saying how I didn't think I loved him and felt like it was too late because we already said all the time that we loved each other. It's funny how the DAY AFTER he broke up with me I already said in my journal how I was happy to be free because I felt trapped. At least I was honest with my diary at that time. I had to tell someone the truth.
This makes me wonder why I allowed myself to feel that way. Why didn't I just end it?
And just looking at my journals I see how boy crazy I was in middle-high school. Always having crushes that changed weekly and my choice in all of them SUCKED. Why did I waste my time with this? I really wish I would have spent all those years concentrating on something else. I wish I had more to talk about in my old diaries than boys and how much I hated myself.
But I think it was all related. Having crushes that never spoke to me or bad relationships that just made me feel worse leading to me hating myself more but hating myself could have also been the thing that got me in those situations.

I can honestly say now that I no longer hate myself AND that I am truly in love. I have thrown that word around so much in the past, I've realized, but for once I really do mean it with all my heart. "Love" has a whole new meaning to me, I don't feel like I've wasted it or something. I've just used it incorrectly before because I thought I had to say it.

Ok Melody, stop rambling.
I love you Isaac.

Peter and Ziggy video

2009-03-03T11:48:00.001-08:00

Why I haven't been Tubin' much.

2009-03-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

First I have to say, "OMG PLAIN BORING BLOG LAYOUT!"
Yeah. I accidentally deleted the header from the HTML and then messed with the layout and then went, "Blah!" and now it's just header-less and lame blog. You may be wondering why I don't just upload the header again but I don't have it saved on this computer and am too lazy to get it right now. So it'll just be this way for a while until I change it.

So I've been really thinking about how little I.. well.. think about making videos for YouTube.
There was a time when I thought about it quite a lot and had a constant want to make vlogs or some strange idea for some funky video. It was just fun.
But now I don't have that. In fact, the idea of making videos now kind of makes me feel nervous and a little scared. And bored.
I was like, "What's that all about??"
But when I really think about it I feel like I know part of the reason. Or reasons.
YouTube has [almost] always had this semi-competition feeling on it. Sure, people used to think the person with 1,000 subscribers was cool and wanted to get at least 10 more than them. And that idea is still there only now it's the person with 100,000 subscribers that still want more!
I've never really been into that competition mindset of it. I don't like that. No fun for me! Just like popularity contests in school or something.
But the biggest thing is that NOW these people have a purpose. THEY ARE EARNING MORE MONEY WITH EACH VIEW. Oh YouTube partnership, how lovely you are.
I admit that I have tried signing up for a partnership but was denied since I don't get enough views. Oh well.
I just wonder how many of these people would be putting so much work and dedication into their stuff if it wasn't for the possibility of getting a little (or a lot) of cash off it. Or even semi-fame.
When I started YouTube this wasn't even a idea in my head. Fame off YouTube? Money from videos? What's that?
It was all about just doing it because we were bored and it filled some free time. It was fun.
You may be wondering why this takes away my desire. I wonder too. I just feel like seeing all these people that are making stuff off their videos and have that motivation make me feel completely pointless. Why am I on there?
I don't feel the need to try to compete with them to get to the top. I don't feel the need to put on an amazing show to get an ego boost and win out all those people. It just doesn't seem important. At all.
I used to make fun videos every once in a while. Like just being silly and acting or something but I think I've just grown out of that all. I haven't really had any desire to do those things. I did for a while have this idea for a Zoey video but I suddenly started hearing in my head all these future comments about me "trying" to be like Fred. Zoey was first, dumbass. Anyways. Plus, the more I thought about it the less I found it amusing for me to do.
One thing I still do like doing and always have is making music videos. Problem? Well every day more and more of people's videos with copyrighted music are being deleted. This sucks. Really sucks. Stop taking the fun out of music. And NO I'm not going to find music I have the rights too! I WANT TO DO VIDEOS TO MUSIC I ACTUALLY LOVE!

K80Blog basically explains how I feel about it all in this video, so you better watch it:

She doesn't really start talking about it until about 2:45ish but watch the whole video anyways.
I got Isaac to watch a bunch of her stuff today and he liked it. Yay!

Did you ever stop to notice the crying earth, the weeping shores?

2009-02-25T15:39:00.001-08:00

So for those of you who aren't friends with me on MySpace or don't watch IseAndMel OR follow me on twitter may not know that I was hacked 2 days ago.
First thing in the morning I tried to sign into my email but it said my password was wrong. I didn't think much of it, even after retrying the password a bunch. I thought maybe hotmail was just having issues.
But then I went to YouTube and saw that I was strangely signed out. If you are on YouTube, you might know that it doesn't sign you out unless you sign yourself out. I am hardly EVER signed out. And when I tried logging on? Said I had the wrong password.
So from this I realized it was only my BowieChick youtube and not my other two so I knew it wasn't something wrong with the computer. I was, at the time, able to get onto my personal myspace but NOT my BowieChick MySpace. I also couldn't get into my OTHER email. This really freaked me out at first. Customer service seemed to suck everywhere and I was really flipping out.
But I had to go to work as I just had to wonder what was going on. When I got home, I was able to get ONE of my emails back. It was the one connected to my BowieChick MySpace page and my Facebook (which was also "hacked") so I was able to get back into those. Then eventually yesterday morning I got the OTHER email back and all the VARIOUS websites that they decided to get into with that email.
Well when I got back into my personal myspace I saw I had a message from "BowieChick". My other myspace account. If I didn't have to work I would have seen this message earlier! This is what it said:
" You wont know me, but your email address password was posted on a message board for everybody to see, I got onto your account and changed the password to "nohack", so that nobody could hack you.
I'm sorry I had to hack in myself and I thought that logging into this was the only way to let you know.
Your password for this is the same but you may want to change the email one and this one.

Then find out who it was who managed to get the details in the first place. "
Yeah so that's what happened.
WHY would someone want MY info in the first place? Also, WHY would someone post it online? AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY IMMATURE ASSHOLES IN THIS WORLD?
They are fail. They DEFINE fail. Hackers, you suck. Grow up. Grow a brain and a heart while you're at it.

I got all my stuff back because these losers can't win.
Oh and BTW. To whoever has done this: I am getting the notices that you are trying to reset my passwords again. Move on or I WILL find out who you are.

Anyways. On from that subject.
I LOVE pinapple and bananas but both make the roof of my mouth hurt. Oy.

I can't believe it's going to be about a year until I get to see Isaac again. This is torture. But a year apart is nothing when I think about all the years we will get to be together. :)
Which reminds me. So many people have already joined Long Distance Love! Some people may wonder why I even bothered making it when there are many relationship groups online. Well, because there's more to a LDR than just a "normal" relationship. It doesn't matter if the distance is a few hours or a few thousand miles, there's just some stuff that is different that some people don't understand. So many people treat LDRs like they are nothing or unimportant or not real when in fact they ARE and it's nice to be around others who understand that.
Best wishes to Ashley and Mikey who are meeting for the first time in about a week! Have fun!

Whine whine complain.

2009-02-22T10:20:00.000-08:00

My my I haven't updated much lately. I feel like I am just going along in life and I don't really have any creative moments anymore. I think it's stress and tiredness and weirdness and everything mixed, ahhh!
I am trying so hard to look for another job. The job I have now is just getting to be too much to handle. The job itself is simple and doesn't involve much of your brain (which would explain some of the people that work there, no offense). It's just that I have never been a morning person OR a late late at night worker. It used to be that if I was expected into work at 7 in the morning I would have a hard time but this really messes with your time! I had to be at work before 3 AM on both Thursday and Friday and then we took a trip that took about 1.5 hours and then worked for 8.5 hours and then came back. The whole time there and back having to listen to annoying repetitive loud rap crap. I brought my iPod but no matter how loud I had it I could hear the thumping beat of the rap the whole time.
I think my problem is I like a consistent schedule. I'm fine with working at different times but as long as it doesn't mess too much with my normal sleeping time. This just makes me feel so strange and I just feel completely out of it.
It's just so hard to find a job right now. Many places are laying people off, not hiring. And the ones that ARE hiring are either jobs I CAN'T get (no experience) or jobs that would be just as bad.
I mean, it's money and that's good but I really wish I didn't dislike it so much.
And with all the people I work with I feel completely out of place. I can't relate to anyone. When I hear them talk I just know I have completely different views on everything and even their personalities just don't go with mine. It's fine when we have a local job but when we do those little trips and I have to be around them it really gets to me. I feel like I'm in school again only this time I don't have any friends. I sit alone at lunch like a loser, yay! If I really wanted to, I could TRY becoming friendly with some but honestly I don't see a point. Especially since I would have to be fake to get along. I never seem to make friends at any place I work. There must be something wrong with me.
Sorry I'm complaining but this IS my blog and I need to get things out.
I will continue working there until I find a different job. I just don't have a clue when that will be.

Strange feelings...

2009-02-10T19:12:00.000-08:00

For about an hour or an hour and a halfish I have had this strange feeling that something isn't right or that something is going to happen.
I feel really anxious about this and can't concentrate on anything else and nothing is able to distract me from this feeling.
I don't like this. I really don't like this.
I hope it passes and that it isn't some sort of 6th sense kind of thing. Please.
GO AWAY, STUPID ANNOYING ANXIOUS HORRIBLE FEELING!

My new ning for LDR couples

2009-02-07T22:47:00.001-08:00

Check it out if you're in a long distance relationship! WEEE!

Sorry, I have no excuse.

2009-02-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

I just like doing surveys when I am bored even though they are COMPLETELY useless.

Name: Melody
Age: 20
Zodiac Sign: Leonardo DiCaprio
Hair color: Well it's naturally some weird brown color, like poo, but I dye it auburn. I don't take care of the color well and it fades so I don't even know what it is now.
Natural color: Oh, I just answered that dumb ass! Pay attention!
Eye Color: I say gray but sometimes it's blue looking and sometimes it's green looking.
Skin Type: Human
Dimples: I have a dimple in my left cheek.
Tattoos: None

Do you think you are…
Good looking? I am human looking I think.
Smart? Smarter than my dog!
Funny? Isaac seems to think so!
Loving? I can be very loving.
Giving? I try...
Cheerful? Oh boy. Only when I'm not being pessimistic!
Spoiled? Some people think so but I hope to make up for that. I try to earn what I get.
Sweet? Haha depends on who it's to.
Respectful? Generally, I try to be.
A good daughter/son? Probably a shit one! Bloody hell. Nah, I don't think I'm THAT bad.
A good sister/brother? I am not particularly close to any of my siblings. I'm too much of a baby and I never really grew up hangin' with them.
A good Girlfriend/Boyfriend? I really hope I am a good fiancee and will be a good wife.
A true friend? Well not to the whole world!

This or That…
Love or Money? LOVE
Relationship or Single? In my situation, relationship.
Freezies or Hot Chocolate? If by freezies you mean Slurpees than YES THOSE!
Beach or Pool? Pool for swimmin' beach for hangin'. I guess. I don't really like swimming in public places.
Hawaii or Italy? I have never experienced either so I wouldn't be one to judge.
Children no children? Well for myself, no children NOW... children LATER.
Married or no getting married? WE GETSIN MARRIED.
Christmas or New Years? Christmas. New Years is normally spent sleeping.
Cell phone or computer? Computer fo sho!
Music or T.V? Music
Snow or Rain? I kind of like rain actually...
Summer or Winter? Summer
Valentines Day or Birthday? Birthday

Who makes you…
Laugh? Lots of people!
Smile? More than anyone, I would say Isaac.
Cry? I do.
Feel Special? Isaac :)
Feel Loved? Isaac, again. :D

Your past…
Most romantic moment? The day Isaac proposed to me was pretty romantic.
The happiest moment? Might just be the same day!
The saddest moment? I don't know.
The Hardest moment? No comment.

Your Future…
What do you want to be? An adult. And happy. But I don't really know WHAT I want to be.
Where do you want to live? Anywhere that's nice.
Do you want to get married? Yes. And I am.
Do you want to have kids? Some day it would be nice to start a family.
What would you like their names to be? None of your business! You will just have to find out.
What type of wedding do you want? Very simple outdoor wedding.
Where do you want it? Somewhere here in Oregon.
Your own vows or no? I don't know yet!

Love…
Who was your last love? My CURRENT and always and only love is Isaac.
Was your love true? It IS (present tense here!) true.
Do you still love them? YESSS!
Do you miss them? Well he's all the way in the UK so yes!
Would you ever consider being with them again in the future? I am going to be with him in the future!
What does your heart desire? Chocolate! Just kidding kind of. Isaac of course.
Who do you really want to be with? ISAAAAAAAAAAC
Are you single or taken? Takkkkkkeeenennnnnenen
Do you have someone in mind? All the time.
Are you in love? YEEEEESSSS This is getting repetitive.

Randomness…

What was your last dream about? I can't even remember.
Who was in it? ...
Your two best friends? Isaac and Lindsay
Do you love to shop? Only when I have the extra money to do so.
Whats your favorite store? Ross because it's cheap.
Your favorite song? I don't know.
Your favorite funny movie? I suck with favorite song/movie questions!
Romantic movie? ...
Scary movie? ...
Restaurant? Dunnooo.
Fast food? Panda Express? Is that on the list of fast food? It IS express!
Drink? Water or nice coffee.
Fruit? Pineapple
Food type? I don't have one
Chips? BBQ potato chips are awesome but so are many Doritos and Sunchips!
Ice cream? I like it. ALLLL OF IT!
Candy/Chocolate? I don't have a favorite because, as with ice cream, I like it all.
Favorite Band? Beatles.
Favorite cd? Don't have one.
Favorite singer? David Bowie.
3 favorite songs? Shut up
What annoys you? Favorite song/movie questions because I can't answer them!
What makes you happy? So many things but it can really be narrowed down to Isaac.
Have you grown as a person in the past year? Oh yeah.
Do you think it shows? I have no idea.
What do you want for Christmas? I want happiness.
Who do you want for Christmas? Isaac.
Do you want to be kissed under the mistletoe? If Isaac was here then yes! But if he isn't.. NO thanks.
By who? I answered.
Do you want to hook up with someone by the end of the year? Eww!
Who? Eww!
Where are you going to spend New Years? That's almost a year away! How do I know?
Who do you want to spend it with? Love.
Who do you wanna get kissed by at midnight? If by Isaac yes.
Who are you thinking of right now? I think it shows.
Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? Every survey ends up being about Isaac because he's so jokes. :)

Steel on the skyline

2009-02-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

I'm in the mood to listen to Bowie's "Heathen" album. The sound of that album kind of reflects my mood today...
Anyways....

I have a website about Isaac and myself that I will be now using to update where we are with our marriage progress. If you want to check it out, go here.

I had someone complaining that all I talk about now is either money or Isaac. Get over it, I talk about some things that are going on in my life and this is where my life is right now. I currently don't have that carefree feeling. Bye!
Don't mistake this for being unhappy. I'm happy, just a little stressed. The internet helps me stay sane because on here there are people that can relate to our situation but it seems as though everyone around me in real life never had to deal with anything like this. Long distance relationships, fiance visas, anything like that. Isaac and I will get through this, I can feel it.

And honestly, there isn't much else going on right now. I hardly see Lindsay, Jennifer and Johnathan moved to Idaho, almost never see Celsie, and as for other friends? Not many others. Amanda's in New Mexico, Megan and I never contact each other (sad). And plus I hardly ever go places anymore because everything costs money. Money that I can't spend. So I feel very restricted right now. Home, internet, Isaac, work. My life as of now.

I have nothing to talk about. Bye!

I-129F Petition for Fiance Visa (K-1)

2009-01-26T18:39:00.001-08:00

I finally started filling out a bunch of stuff today.
Done:

I-129F forms (including attached paper to expand on how we met)
Cover letter
Both Isaac and I did G-325A (which is 4 pages for each of us and all four pages are the EXACT SAME THINGS)
Letter of intent to marry within 90 days of Isaac's entry to the US (both Isaac and I had to do these, and sign)
Printed out pictures of us together
Printed out some old emails to show ongoing relationship

What we need to do:

Get (recent) passport style photos taken of both of us.
Copy birth certificate
Copy his old plane tickets
Get the $455 to file the petition

Oy. But at least we're getting somewhere.

BlogTV was crap...

2009-01-23T16:25:00.001-08:00

I'm angry/annoyed because I planned for a show and I ended up spending the whole time annoyed. Some reason the internet keeps disconnecting from my laptop but in the office the chat on BlogTV wouldn't even load! Plus people kept saying it was cutting out. Another thing is some reason in the office I can't even hear other people's chats even though they aren't muted, the volume is up, and I can hear other things (like that annoying ad they play when you enter their room).
So I am going to something else, if I ever get the energy back to do a show some day. This just really bothered me! ANYWAYS, blogtv is no more (for now). If I go live again it will be at UStream.

Thiziztitlez

2009-01-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

My niece keeps forwarding weird quizzes to my email! Ahh!

I'm not sure what I wanted to talk about here. Just felt like doing a blog! Alrighty then we'll see where this goes...
I guess I'll just write down the first thoughts in my head:

Those mugs over there *points* are really cool.
My budgies are funny. I can't wait to see Peter grow up, he's still a baby.
I bit the left side of my tongue and it hurts.
I'm going to try to stay up really late tonight (and sleep in late in the morning) because I have to work starting 10 PM tomorrow night and I don't want to be tired by then.
I am now going to watch ArtieTSMITW's new video.
After video thoughts: Aww poor kid! Haha!
I wonder if Isaac is sleeping yet. Insomniac!!!
I saw a book on insomnia in the store today and skimmed through it but it was all stuff I heard before.
I also saw a bunch of John Green books so I flipped through those to see if there were any nerdfighters around here leaving notes.
No, there weren't.
I don't know why I continue to go to stores when I can't spend my money. I think it's just... something to do.
I should probably put the birds to bed soon (cover their cage).
I just imagined putting my birds in a little bed and tucking them in under covers, it was cute.
I need to remember to do laundry tomorrow.
I think tea is gross with milk.
I wonder when I'm going to get a chance to go to England.
I remember when my friend and I (when we were about 9) decided to move to London together after college. We thought that if we did, we would somehow automatically become friends with the Spice Girls.
Isaac and I planned that when I DO get to go over there, we will be like typical tourists of London and go on a double decker bus. Woo!
I love my British man.
This was a lame idea...

Ok that was fun!
Alright I'm going to watch a movie that just arrived in the mail even though I don't know what it is. Fun!
Wish me luck staying up late tonight! I've been having a harder time doing that lately unless I'm sick...
And I'll (maybe) see some of you on Friday at BlogTV!!!

Part II of Haha what the heck?

2009-01-21T00:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so I just read this comment left by Christina on my last blog:
"Melody,
I have had a similar situation happen to me once, and I am willing to bet I know what happend!
There is this website you can go to... www.prankdial.com where you can type in ANY number and ANY name and This computer thing will call the phone number you enter and The caller I.D. will show up as whoever the fuck you want it to show up as. My friend tried this on me once and She later confessed that she had done it. Go to the site and check it out for yourself, I am willing to bet someone found out who he was and Decided to fuck with your life.
some people have no lives."

There is a possibility this happened. If that is the case than I must say: Leave that 'poor' guy alone. He clearly can't take a joke, whatever it was that happened.

Haha what the heck?

2009-01-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

If anyone on here somehow managed to track down who my ex is, please just confess now.
I just got this message from him on MySpace:
"Next time I get a call from you at 4 in the morning, you will have the police at your house to deal with. Grow up."
Now imagine YOU got a message like this.... WHEN YOU NEVER CALLED IN THE FIRST PLACE.
It's so strange being accused of something and when the person sounds so sure of what they are accusing you of. So very strange. And random.
I almost wish he WOULD have just contacted the police to begin with. I mean, if he did he would be proven wrong and this would be over. Though it would piss me off to be woken up that early by the police for no reason at all.
I was just talking to my mom about it trying to theorize how or why he would think I called him. Did someone call him and say something about being me? Why would I call and say it was me? Did the phone number look like mine?
It's not like I even HAVE his number.
I won't be able to rest until I know what's going on here.

That survey I just said I'd do...

2009-01-18T23:27:00.000-08:00

My story - Finish the sentence:

Hi, my name is:
Melody

Never in my life have I been to:
A YouTube gathering of any sort.

I hate it when:
Skype has a bad day and decides to drop all the calls every 1-5 minutes. Oh such fun times!!!!

When I'm nervous:
My fingers and toes get cold as the rest feels hot. I feel hungry but can't eat. And I whine a lot to Isaac.

The last song I listened to was:
Tiny Dancer (Tony Danza) by Elton John is going through my head all day so I FEEL like that was the last song I listened to. I think it was something by Steve Vai. Thanks Isaac. :)

If you were to get married today your maid of honor/best man would be:
I'm not having bridesmaids at my wedding. Sorry.

My hair is:
Straightened but a little messy. In a ponytail with a couple bobby pins.

When I was 5:
I ate cheese wrapped in a piece of bologna with a pickle and chocolate milk for lunch. Healthy AND delicious, I know. ;) But I remember this.

I should be:
Sleeping since I didn't get much last night.

When I look down i see:
The keys on my computer, my hands, and then my shirt.

My current annoyance is:
My weird awake while tired thing. AHH!

I have a hard time understanding:
most things.

There's this girl that I know:
that is a girl I know.

The thing I want to buy is:
Isaac. Yes, I want to BUY ISAAC. Hmm...

If you visited the place I'm from:
I would think you would like it if you are into places surrounded by nice nature and stuff but might find there isn't much to entertain yourself with if you're into clubbing or just doing... things....

Most recent thing I've bought myself:
Some food.

Most recent thing someone else bought me was:
Lindsay was nice and offered to buy me a coffee today. :)

My middle name is:
Welody. That would be AWESOME.

In the morning:
I get annoyed with people very easily and I like to be left on my own.

Last night I was:
Trying to chillax and get some sleep.

Tomorrow I am:
Who knows? It's one of those no-plan-just-try-to-relax kind of days. I have been blah lately. My right eyelid keeps twitching.

Tonight I am:
Doing this.

------------------------------------------------------------
Think back five months ago, were you single?
No.

Who can you blame for your bad mood today?
Why are you assuming I'm in a bad mood today? I feel weird now but it's not really a BAD MOOD.

What do you prefer skittles or starbursts?
That's a hard one actually! Both have their coolness.

How was last night?
There's really nothing much to say about it. I felt somewhat sick and I went to bed.

How are you feeling right now?
Tired but my brain is restless.

Have you ever stripped for money?
No.

What are you listening to?
The sound of the little portable heater and me typing.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries?
Well Isaac and I do. Not like every MONTH or anything but yeah.

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
Yes.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Isaac might be thinking about me in his dreams? I don't know.

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
Well I like snow sometimes. But I really like thunder and lightning (something frightening). I like those summer nights when it gets crazy though it does scare me a little. WEEE!

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Hell yes.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Haha no way.

Do you believe in perfect?
Not in the actual definition of "perfect". But I do believe things are perfect, with their imperfections. Make sense? Of course it does!

When you hear the phrase"chocolate covered strawberries" what goes through your mind?
Yummy?

How do you vent anger?
It depends on who/what/why I'm angry.

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Yeah back in elementary/middle/high school.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
In a way.

Are you over your past?
Most of it.

Are you a jealous person?
I can be jealous of talents and things like that but I try to not let it take over.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Not at all. I'm a baby.

Do you currently hate someone?
Ughhh.

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
"Ok I have like another hour". Not exact quote or anything, of course. Explaination in last blog.

What were you doing at 12:30ish this afternoon?
Getting home from work and eating.

What will you name your son?
I don't have a son to name!

Who was the last person you texted?
Isaac.

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Well not a huge book or anything.

If you could move to Africa would you?
No...

What do you have to do tomorrow?
No idea.

What were you doing at 9 this morning?
Working.

What is the last thing you said out loud?
I was telling my birds goodnight and telling Ziggy to leave Peter alone because she randomly jumped at him.

Think a lot before you sleep?
Normally. Unless I had a very exhausting day because then I don't seem to be awake long enough to sleep.

Have you ever told anyone you were okay when you really weren't?
Of course.

What are you doing now?
This, for no good reason.

Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?
No.

Do you like pancakes?
Occasionally. They sound gross sometimes actually. French toast is better. Or belgum waffles even.

Do you like surprises?
Well nice surprises, yes.

Do you trust all your friends?
For the most part.

Do you like someone?
I love Isaac.

What did you do last night?
Was this asked already?

How have you felt today?
Blah blah blah.

Are you a forgiving person?
I am... if they are worth it.

Ever had a girl best friend?
Yes.

Ever had a guy best friend?
Isaac is my best friend.

Last time you laughed?
Tonight while talking to Isaac. I laughed a lot with him tonight which felt nice for my stressness.

Where will you be in an hour?
In my bed... sleeping.

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
Lindsay.

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
Mmhmm..

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Yes.

Is your hair curly?
Yes it naturally is. But right now it's straight.

Have you ever held hands with anyone?
Haha yes! Of course. Even just friends in elementary school. Isaac's hand actually fits right...

Is there someone you can trust 100%?
Yes.

Do you like your bed?
I like the black and white with a bit of color but I don't like the size of the bed nor do I like the uncomfortableness of the mattress.

What were you doing at 7am this morning?
Working....

What time did you go to bed last night?
I fell asleep around 11:30-midnightish? I think. But I actually got in bed a lot earlier than that.

Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt your wearing?
The store.

Sitting in the dark

2009-01-18T23:01:00.000-08:00

I am tired but at the same time I don't want to go to bed.
I have no reason NOT to sleep. Just being a computer junky. I just keep going from website to website hoping there will be something interesting to look at but nothing yet....

I would like to thank K80Blog for making it so that I can no longer listen to Tiny Dancer without thinking, "Hold me closer Tony Danza!" I woke up to that song today on the radio and have had it stuck in my head all day. Danza version. Oh funny thing is that when my alarm went off (since it WAS 4 in the morning) I initially, while still in half-sleep state, thought that the alarm was just warning me that it was going to go off in another hour or two. It's a good thing I woke up and into reality before I turned it off and slept through work.
Oh dear early morning/late night work! You are amazing for my brain.

I had fun with BlogTV and I've scheduled to go on THIS FRIDAY at 2:15 PM PST/5:15 EST. I couldn't decide between 2 and 2:30 so I met in the middle.

I just realized I still had my alarm on for 4:20 even though I don't have to be up early tomorrow. I would have been pissed with myself if I woke up to the alarm in the morning. No alarm! PLEASE! I love waking up naturally...

Ok THAT'S IT! I'm going to log into the BowieChick MySpace (where I am bound to find plenty of surveys in the bulletins) and just do one of the first I see. That will be my next blog. No one will care about it BUT I'M BORED AND CRAZY AND RESTLESS!
The endish.

Mmmm pretzels

2009-01-15T22:27:00.001-08:00

I randomly decided I wanted to make pretzels. So I did. It took ages and I didn't even start until almost 8 PM! I JUST finished 2.5 hours later but I really think it was worth it.
I used this recipe.
I love that website.
I already ate one and OMG it was delicious. :) I can't wait to try a cinnamon one tomorrow.
Pics or it didn't happen!

Cinnamon!

I only made four cinnamon and the rest are just butter with a little salt. I don't have the big chunky salt so regular will do.

Gooooooooooooooooooooooood stuff. :)

No I'm not high, thank you.

2009-01-10T21:44:00.000-08:00

All my life I have gotten strangers telling me I look tired. Thank you! How nice of you. Most of the time when they ask this I had a wonderful amount of sleep! It's because of my dumb eyes. That simple. Ever since probably middle school or so I have been asked by many people if I am currently high. Many of them refuse to believe when I say no! I am not high! I was even asked recently when I was working at a local store by a guy that worked there. How can I take this as anything but an insult? Especially when I have never done any sort of drug and proud of it. And all based on what? My droopy/baggy eyes and my calmer/mellow nature? That's just me.

Sorry for that short rant there. I was just thinking about this and how much it bothers me. I didn't choose the way I look and I hate that it automatically makes people make all these assumptions about me.

I want my brain to calm down because I can't seem to relax tonight. I think it's because Isaac went to bed earlier today and I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Since it's pretty much part of my daily schedule to talk to him every night I think part of me is still expecting that and won't rest until I get a chance. It has been a long night and it's only 10.

Oh our water heater is leaking (again, it has done this before) and luckily I caught onto it before it got as bad as last time. Last time it happened it got a huge area of our living room all wet and pretty much ruined the carpet. This time I happened to walk by the area to get to a closet and felt a little dampness. Ugh. So no hot water for now.

I have been so lazy these last couple of days. Partly because I have just been not feeling well and also because... well I don't really have an excuse. I have been just pondering things more than anything and snuggling up to stay warm. I need sun and a nice walk. I also need Isaac...

I think I'm going to maybe watch tv or something. I wonder if anything is even on...

I'm ok but I have a painful hangnail

2009-01-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

Happy 24th Birthday Isaac!

I ended up getting about 2 hours of sleep the night that I posted my last blog. Wasn't nice. I made it through work at least.
I can tell that I'm coming down with a cold and it really sucks. I feel kind of crappy because of that but I know the worse has yet to come!

I also really wanted to thank the kind people out there who helped by chipping in. It means a lot to us. You all know who you are. :)

Please, PLEASE, just let me sleep.

2009-01-06T02:43:00.000-08:00

For a couple months now I will have many many random nights where I will be fine BEFORE bed but as soon as I try to sleep I start feeling a bit nauseous. I will try to ignore it and fall asleep but many times, the feeling of falling asleep makes me burst out of bed thinking I'm going to throw up... but I never do.
It normally just takes a few tries and I will fall asleep and wake up fine as though the nausea never happened.
But not tonight.
Tonight I was only able to sleep for about 30 minutes (at most!) and other than that, I've been just tossing and turning and constantly feeling like I'm about to barf. I got some water and an emergency bowl just in case but I really don't know if I will throw up. Now I'm sitting here and my stomach hurts but it's not the same as when I try falling asleep. I've been trying since 10! It's 2:48 now and I need to wake up in about 3 hours (at the latest) to go to work.
This really sucks.
Really really sucks.
I don't know what it is but come on I would like it to go away and I really would like some sleep.
I got tired of just lying there and jumping up every time my head starts to finally doze off so I came on here.
I am freezing right now too! Our house is so cold. I can't stay warm but EVERY time I bundle up just right and start to relax even a little, I just end up quickly getting up again feeling like I'm going to throw up!
I'm even trying sleeping sitting up which normally works but it isn't this time.
The night before I have to work pretty early. Go figure.

3 yrs on YT, tired + thank you

2009-01-04T10:20:00.001-08:00

Worried about Peter...

2009-01-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Peter really scared me. I was in tears because I already really love that budgie...
So he was out of his cage and on my arm and then he suddenly decided he felt like flying. His wings are clipped so when he tries to fly he doesn't get very far and he hasn't quite mastered... landing.
So he landed hard. I don't know exactly HOW he landed but I looked at him right after and he had his wings out and was kind of on his chest.
I freaked out and quickly tried to help him up.... but he wouldn't stand up. He seems to be lying on his chest. There he was in my hand being really weird and scaring the crap out of me looking like he was struggling to get up but he couldn't seem to be able to! Next thing you know, he stands in my hand. Then he shook out his feathers and acted as though nothing happened. He began to even look like he was about to fly again but I couldn't let him do that so I lightly clasped my hand over his wings. After a moment of trying to observe him (he seemed like his normal self) I decided to put him back in his cage. He seems normal now but you can never be sure...
I put a blanket on part of his cage and keep checking in and he is acting completely like nothing ever happened. I'm scared though! According to my book, loss of balance and inability to get up could be a sign of a concussion.
I really love this guy. He's so young too. I really hope he's ok!
Something tells me I will have a hard time sleeping tonight. I'm going to be checking in on him a lot.

Money money money....

2009-01-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

It's hard not to think about it right now.
Isaac and I may have to end up sacrificing seeing each other AT ALL in 2009. I keep thinking about this and we have all the immigration fees to pay for and then the actual marriage (even if we get married in the simplest way) and then saving up for being able to actually leave my parents' house. How do we include travel into this?
I already miss him. Even though I get to talk to him on webcam almost EVERY DAY I still miss him. It's hard when you are restricted to just sitting at the computer and you can't do stuff together. I could try taking my laptop on a walk but that wouldn't be very fun.
I'm trying so hard to just remove the idea of buying anything for fun at all in 2009. I will try to only buy what I NEED because I can't see how anything will work out otherwise. BTW, dollar store FTW.
Long distance relationships are expensive.

AND the British Pound is no longer worth as much more than the US dollar than is used to be! It was at one point almost TWICE as much but he sent me 200 pounds recently and it only was 280something/290 or so. Can you believe it??

I would seriously be able to deal with being basically penniless if Isaac lived here with me now. Think of how easy it would be! But I shouldn't think that way. We have what we have and we will get through it some how. It's just going to be very hard...

Merry... Christmas.

2008-12-24T21:13:00.000-08:00

It certainly doesn't feel like the holiday season this year to me and I have no idea why. There's snow, it's freezing, we have a tree, the consumerism of Christmas is here as always, and I'm happy. But it's not that jolly olly ness I used to get. I guess I'm growing up. And I don't have Isaac here with me.
But I am excited to try Jaffa Cakes!
Don't feel sorry for me because I don't feel sad about not being in the Christmas mood. I just feel like I do any other day of the year, really. It doesn't even matter.
But just because I love these songs:

I know some people find it kind of depressing but I don't.

Of course :)

Update on Peter: He now stands on my finger on demand and gets to come out of the cage every day. I'm really happy about his fast learning. Now I just need to continue on to build that trust.

I have a job interview thingy on Monday. I really hope I can get enough money in time to visit Isaac.

Isaac's new video

2008-12-15T00:56:00.000-08:00

Oh and WATCH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zepg5jlozkA

Christmas cookies!

2008-12-14T21:14:00.000-08:00

Here are the pictures I said I'd post... click for larger image.

I have no idea why we are hunching over like that. Lindsay and I were doing weird dance moves, I believe. Like our aprons?

Jen and Lindsay talking about whatever. I was already done decorating mine while they were still going at it!

We had hot chocolate with marshmallows AND whipped cream. We also listened to christmas music. Oh the fun never stops!

Messy.

Jen's cookies. She made a 3d frog!! And that little man reminds us of her dad.

Mine. I especially like my snowman. :)

These two of Lindsay's were particularly funny to me. That first one is supposed to be an angel! And I love the snowman's rosy cheeks and the expression on his face!

So yeah, there's the cookies.

It has also been snowy the last couple of days. I fooled around a bit with Windows Vista panoramic photo thing and got this messed up image:

But hey! It did the best it could do. It's not like my camera has a stable spot to sit to move from picture to picture smoothly.

I did something else the other day too. That time it made my closet doors look awesome!

Oh yeah and Peter stood on my finger tonight! For quite a long time too. It wasn't hard, millet spray bribing really does the trick. Oh and here's a picture of Peter! The lighting isn't great, I wish it would show his true color...

Peter peter pumpkin eater

2008-12-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Peter ate out of my hand for the first time today. I'm pretty excited. It's nice to see a new bird relax a bit and trust you enough to eat out of your hand. :)

Lindsay and Jennifer came over yesterday and we made sugar cookies. It was fun, and messy. I will try to remember to post a couple pictures here some time.

Peter the budgie!

2008-12-10T16:13:00.001-08:00

I got a new budgie today!!! I am so excited.
So he's a violet colored parakeet, kind of like this one:

Only just SLIGHTY darker.
He's clearly a male, not making the same mistake as last time. He's also very young.
So want to hear the name?
Sounds like a very simple name: Peter.
But where did it come from?
It was actually Isaac who came up with it.
So the drummer of Siouxsie & the Banshees goes by the name Budgie. So naturally, we just took his REAL name (Peter Edward Clarke) and that is my new keet's name. Yeah, I have a musical set of birds now!

Peter is currently just sitting in his cage trying to relax. He's very scared in his new environment. Ziggy doesn't even seem to notice him yet.
In case you are wondering, yes they are in separate cages. Ziggy probably wouldn't like it if her home was suddenly invaded by some annoying newcomer. After a while, I will move his cage closer to hers and then eventually hopefully they will live happily together. I know Ziggy would PROBABLY enjoy the company, but who knows? I can't wait until they start talking to each other. Ziggy enjoys "talking" to budgies on YouTube so I bet she would like to talk to another bird whenever she pleases, in stead of waiting for me to play a video.

Yes. That's all. I'm happy!

Skype vs. SightSpeed

2008-12-08T20:09:00.001-08:00

Isaac and I used to use windows messenger for video and voice chat but were annoyed by horrible video and sound quality. You basically saw a bunch of random jumpy images and heard about every 3 words so you had to try to figure out what they were trying to say.
So then we decided to try something new. We tried a few different programs and Skype was one of them. Skype totally beat the others, at the time.
Relatively clearer image, normally not jumpy, and you could hear every word they said.. about 80% of the time.
Problems I experienced with Skype:

Pixelated image and GHOST ISAAC. Sounds weird but sometimes as I would be talking to him, the image would suddenly jump to something he was doing a few minutes before. Often times it would show both the former image on the screen along with the current streaming image. Trippy stuff. And when it got pixely, it was often so extreme it would lead to a distorted and just creepy face. The weird thing is he would just have to wave his hand around a bunch to get it to go away so it was kind of like it was physically there, right in front of him.
Pee face. Ok I know I need to come up with a better term for this but I can't help but think of it this way. About 50% of the time, there was this thick yellow strip going right down the middle of his video, where his face was, and a big yellow blob off to the right. I soon grew used to it but let me tell you, you almost start to believe the yellow is part of their natural skin.
DROPPED CALLS. Oh my gosh dropped calls. Those things were the most stressful things... ever. And you would know when it was going to drop because the image got extremely pixelated and sound got CRAP so you just wait a few seconds and you would hear that lovely "bloop" sound of a dropped call. So we would call each other back only for it to happen again in a few minutes. This happened way too often. Some days the call would drop countless times until you're ready to scream and some days it wouldn't have a problem.
Camera would often random flash. I am not sure why it would do this, it never did with any other program. What it would do is it would turn on and off while we were talking. The light would flash on and off and my computer would freeze up. This happened every about 5-10 minutes, it seemed. Really annoying because sometimes it would take a few minutes to go back to normal but during the time of waiting, I couldn't talk to Isaac, he couldn't see me, and my computer would freeze. Very strange!

This is just an example of weird ghost images Skype would do. This isn't the weirdest I've seen, it just happens to be the only one I've ever screen captured. That face is one I don't believe Isaac can naturally do. He didn't even have his mouth open at that very moment! It some how got him yawning or SOMETHING he did long before and morphed it with his face. His mouth/cheeck/chin just don't look right at all! Crazy stuff.

So ANYWAYS.

I finally decided to do more research online. Basically find something BETTER THAN SKYPE.
I came across two major options. ooVoo and SightSpeed. I decided to go with SightSpeed and try it out. There is a free version, for simple one on one, but you could also get their premium for multiperson conferences and other features.
My first impression:
Installed pretty quickly.
Computer didn't slow down apon installation.
Configured camera quickly.
Doesn't drop calls!!!!
Camera doesn't flash!!!!
No weird pixelation problems, ghost Isaacs, or strange colors.
My one problem is echo. Skype had an echo reduction thing but this doesn't.
I also was annoyed by IMs I was getting from random people wanting to know my age and sex but finally one person was nice enough to tell me that it was because I was on the community list and told me how to get off of it. Thank you!

The end.

Guitar Lick #1

2008-12-05T22:46:00.001-08:00

Isaac made his first guitar shred video. If you have seen his acoustic stuff, I think you should also watch this. I'm glad he's finally starting to show more of his range. The mask is because of this idea he has about guitar shredders. Oh and because I make fun of his cute guitar playing faces. :)

Dog

2008-12-02T17:07:00.001-08:00

We are taking care of this wonderful dog named Pedro...
Here is my niece with Pedro.

By the way, I have a new channel to post random videos that no one cares about but myself. Mostly Ziggy videos (my budgie, not Stardust). If you DO happen to care to check it out, it's here: http://www.youtube.com/ziggybudgie
I really don't expect any of you to care, so don't complain.

Condom

2008-12-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful way to decorate the city!

Pissed me off.

2008-11-26T11:15:00.000-08:00

Isn't it funny when "loyal" subscribers end up being more judgmental and just plain annoying than the "haters"?
This person found it appropriate to leave not one, not two, but three lovely comments.
Comment 1:
"who's isaac? how long have u been together?
how old r u again?"
This is funny because I have seen this person commenting on plenty of my videos so he MUST know who Isaac is. In fact, I found this comment on my "Today - Jefferson Airplane (For Isaac)" video.
"i wish you were single, cuz i think you're cute."
In which, at the time, I responded with, "That is a mean thing to wish. I do not wish I was single because I am in love and it's not like you would have me anyways. It seems like you are wishing I wasn't happy. Stop thinking about what you want and be happy for what others have."
And he said, "that's a very smart answer. Thanks for putting me in my place. Sorry I was being selfish.

Congrats on finding the man of your dreams and I wish u all the best.

Sorry"

So it is apparent that he knows who Isaac is but it looks like some sort of stupid jealousy is pushing him to say these things.

Age and length of time don't even have anything to do with this anyways. Especially when the couple KNOWS how much they are truly in love...

Comment 2:
"your income is not an issue. his may be because they don't want him to become a drain on social resources. All you need to do is prove you can support yourself financialy and won't be a welfare couple"

Well this has proven to be false. I need to be able to support him when he comes. The end.

Comment 3:
"but you REALLY SHOULD NOT get married till you've lived on your own and experienced life AWAY from your parents. Marriage is for responsible adults who don't need to rely on their parents. What the heck is your rush?

P.S. This video was a rambling mess. You are way too young to get married ok? Grow up, get a job, move out, find out who you really are before latching on to a boy you have a crush on."

This person is seriously just talking shit now. He really has no idea what the hell he is saying. So many people have gone straight from living at home to being married with no issues. Just because you know someone that may have had problems with that does not make it the majority. Even if it WAS the majority, Isaac and I AREN'T the majority. Our "rush" is because we know NOW that we love each other and are ready for married life. Besides, don't talk until you yourself is in a fucking long distance relationship. Then try telling me we are rushing to anything. We can't RUSH. It's not an option when immigration things are thrown in. I mean, if I was in a rush I wouldn't even be bothering with figuring out this immigration stuff. We are going to get married until 2010 anyways! Holy hell.
No shit it was a rambling mess, no need to point that out. I'm not way too young to get married, you're just strangely jealous and judgmental. I know who I am and this is not a FUCKING CRUSH. STOP FUCKING JUDGING WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.

Sorry this just pissed me off to no end. It just bugs me that there are people like this out there. And he couldn't make it more fucking obvious that it is brought on by jealousy.

And to show what a dick he is, and I never quite noticed...
Here's a comment on another old video:
"show us where u work baby "

Blocked.

Haha, just saw his videos. Damn, I shouldn't have blocked him. He seems like a winner!!!!!

Sorry about the ranting, pissed me off.

Bird food in your keyboard

2008-11-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

"Oh it's the kind of thing I could play with forever." - Isaac just said this referring to his new fancy chromatic guitar tuner.

Some things:

Commonly said but I have to ask it as well... whatever happened to separation of church and state?
Whatever happened to predictability? The milk man, the paper boy, evening tv!? You miss your old familiar friends waiting just around the bend. EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK... *cough*.. um... Yeah.
Just because a religious group does good stuff for the community or for people it does not make up for hate and lies.
Isaac and I are getting married here in the US. I have to say this because people keep telling me to just go there, marry him, and come back here. I don't want to do that. We want to get married here. I don't care if the other way may *possibly* be easier (hardly), but this way is faster in the end.
People should stop complaining about Christmas stuff being here already. I am saying this because SteAndKel (most likely Steven) just twittered saying something about it being too early for Christmas stuff. It's the end of November! This isn't some new thing, Christmas stuff has come early for YEARS.
I am freaking out about the lack of open jobs right now. I keep applying for things or sending my resume in and not hearing a peep from anyone. Maybe I'm just not good enough.
It bugs me that every kind of cookware or bakeware in stores seems to have nonstick Teflon stuff which is a major NO NO if you have a parakeet. It can kill them! AHHHH! And since that's true, it's a little freaky to think about what it's putting in our bodies, though slowly.

I was w0ndering why one of my keys kept getting jammed the last couple days or where it just wouldn't work but then finally today I hit it, heard a crack, and a piece of bird food came out. I don't like that you can't take individual keys out of a laptop keyboard...

End.

K1 Visa, End of the world, and stuff.

2008-11-21T18:52:00.000-08:00

First of all if you know anything about fiance visas and getting married to someone from another country please watch this and maybe help me out:

Second.
I am tired of this end of the world stuff. Having end of the world theories is not something new, as we should all know, so we shouldn't buy into any of this hype.
Even if it WAS true, what could we do about it? I say we just DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! It adds to stress and worry. Even hearing my friend theorize about it today made it impossible to leave my brain and it just makes me feel horrible. Keep your theories to yourself, or at least don't take them so seriously. If everyone took it seriously, we would just give up on living our lives happily. I mean, what's the point when the world is going to end? WE MUST PREPARE! Why work towards a long term goal, anyways? That's the way it makes me feel.

Third.
I can't find a job! I may have to go crazy with making as many ExpoTV videos this month as I am allowed (what is it? 10 or something?) to get some extra money because besides my money in savings (which I am NOT touching now) I am just about... penniless. I should try again selling my art on Etsy too. Hopefully someone will buy one or something. Last time I tried, someone tried buying one but not someone I will allow to buy from me. I don't have to worry about that anymore because I got help from a person working at Etsy.

Fourth.
I kind of want to see Twilight. Some people said it was crap, some said it was good. All I know if that I like the books (well, the first two I have read anyways) and it would be interesting to see it interpreted into a movie. I will probably wait until it's either in the cheap theater or on DVD and rent it.

Fifth.
Looks like the word filth which makes me think of how I was reminded of my ex today TWICE. Once when I went to a coffee place I only ever went to ONCE with him and again when Isaac was talking about gappy teeth. I find it funny when you are reminded of someone you don't like but were going out with and all you can remember about that person is what a shit they were, even if there could have possibly been OK times (though I honestly can't remember any time I was ever really happy when with him). It was just all wrong... basically.

Sixth.
I have decided that I WILL stay home and live here until Isaac comes and we get married. We may possibly have to stay until he gets the permit to work and gets a job. This means I have to drop my plans of moving out until we are married and all that. It is a bit strange and almost looked down upon by people to live with your parents when you are married but I will have to ignore that judgment and think about what would be best, financially. What am I in such a hurry for to go into debt anyways?

Seventh.
I like to think of as many things as I could talk about in this blog, fun.

Eighth.
The word eighth is weird because it's weird to have ghth next to each other. I just noticed as I was typing and had to point it out...

Ninth.
I want to thank everyone for their nice comments on my latest video and thank you to the people that sent me those long detailed and encouraging messages. It really does help and it's helping me relax about it a bit. I am starting to figure it out...

Money money poo poo

2008-11-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

First of all I wanted to say... MONEY BEGGARS, LEAVE ME ALONE WHEN I'M IN MY CAR!
I hate how you think that being in your car kind of blocks strangers off from approaching you but most of us have found out that is WRONG.
So yesterday I'm in the car, about to call my friend back. All of a sudden I see a movement by my window and look up. I was kind of parked far out away from other cars so this surprised me.
It was a woman and she obviously wanted to say something so I opened my door a crack (the car wasn't on yet, which is why I didn't just roll down the window).
She automatically started with her sob story...
"My husband and I are from Los Angeles and we are traveling to see family in Washington. I'm 6 1/2 months pregnant and we have a blah blah truck (can't remember what she said) and it only runs on blah blah miles to the gallon.... could you help us out? Just any change would help..."
By the way, she didn't look at all pregnant.
So I didn't know what to do, feeling trapped, so I dug through my wallet and pulled out two dollar bills. It was the quickest thing I could do to get her to leave me alone.
"Thank you..." and she walked away.
This happens way too much and the thank you never seems at all grateful. Probably because she KNEW her little story would work. This just bothers me.
After she walked off I could see her walking to a group of cars and then she was gone so I'm guessing she got in one of the cars. I drove by where she dissappeared and guess what? Not a single truck OR car with a California license plate. What car did she get in, anyways?
I find it interesting that they waited outside of the Dollar Tree. Why not go outside some store where people with a bunch of money shop? I was shopping in there for a reason! I need those dollars, I'm running EXTREMELY low on money.

Money money... ahhh! I just need it. Isaac and I BOTH need it. Lots of it, if we want to get married.

Oh yeah a longish time ago I got new shoes and said in my blog I'd post pictures because they are different.
Carpet shoes, the guy working there called them.

Aaaaaaaaaand I also thought I'd share these pictures with you guys because I really like going here...

Pumpkin pie ice cream

2008-11-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

DELICIOUS PUMPKIN PIE ICE CREAM!
Best brand, in my opinion, for this kind of ice cream? Oregon's own, UMPQUA! Sponsor me now, Umpqua.

What I've learned today:

You should listen more than/as much as you speak.
Girls interrupt each other while talking more than should be legal. Might be because there's hardly ever time, in a group, to get a word in... but sometimes it can be avoided. Sometimes your word you want in isn't very important when you think about it.
This one coffee place I have always passed and never considered is actually great and well priced! Must go more often...
They have free wi-fi too... I've never taken advantage of free wifi anywhere but at the library. I should do this some times... because it's cool. I could be one of those awesome people sitting with a coffee and a laptop acting like I'm doing important work. I'll actually just be on YouTube or Facebook or something but no one has to know if I sit in the corner. Knowing me, I would probably end up spilling on the keyboard and looking EVEN COOLER!
There is one religion in particular that interests me and everytime I do deep down research and read about their actual stuff from ACTUAL CURRENT/FORMER MEMBERS, I can't stop! I don't mean it interests me as in I want to join them... I mean it interests me that people find ways to create these, well, cults and no one catches on to the obvious truths about them. All that money they are getting for converting people and creating new churches/temples/whatever should be used to feed hungry and SAVE HUMAN LIVES. Yes, actually help someone NOW instead of trying to save their/your life from something that happens after you are dead. Dead meaning something that no one has lived through to tell us about. SOMETHING UNCERTAIN AND UNKNOWN TO EVERYONE ALIVE. Sorry if I don't make sense with the way I am connecting my sentences. I am tired.
I KNOW YOUR SECRETS.

So yeah. That's some of the stuff I learned/thought about today.
Oh and new video too.

Photography and depression

2008-11-09T22:03:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I was vacuuming the couches in the house and in the cushion of this one chair, pushed really far in, was a film strip from my photography class I took in high school Sophomore year. It reminded me how much fun it is to just take pictures. I take plenty of pictures... with friends and stuff like that... but not enough of THINGS.
Ever since I found that film strip, I have been thinking about how I should take pictures of where I live. Not for you guys to see, but just for fun. To remind myself how beautiful it can be here.
Photography is fun.
I'm thinking I may even go out tomorrow for a little drive and take pictures of things. Maybe.
Other than that optimistic and random urge to take photographs, I have been pretty down lately. It's hard to be so fucking far from the man you love but I have no choice but to deal with it. Well, I could either deal with it or give up but giving up is not an option. That would just break my (and his, of course) heart...
My self esteem is going up and down a lot lately. Sometimes I feel the same depressed way I did back in high school and that scares me. I wish I could see myself as beautiful at least every once in a while. Whenever I think, "Hey, maybe I'm not that ugly!" I see a photograph or video and that idea just disappears. It's pretty stupid, really. It's not even something that should matter yet I can't help it. No matter how many people tell me otherwise, when I get that one person telling me I'm ugly and fat it just overrides all of it. I don't think that seeing yourself as beautiful can be achieved just by being told you are so but you have to be able to see it yourself. I want to... I don't think I will though.
I also feel... talentless. I have interests but as soon as I see how much I suck at them I just give up. I don't feel like trying sometimes because I feel like it's pointless. I think it's because part of me thinks talent is something you are born with, not something you learn. But another part of me think that's just partly true. I think you are born with talent and when you grow, you expand it and learn more and become better. But I don't think I was born with any talents to begin with so I don't know where to even start. No matter what, I just see what I do as a childish wannabe attempt.
And last but not least... I need a job. But I'm a little scared. Will this place be retail yet AGAIN? Will it suck like Toys R Us or will it actually be OK like JoAnns? The other day I was actually in a decent mood and felt a little hopeful about things and sent an application (w/cover letter) to this one part time receptionist job. Something different, something a little out of my comfort zone. The next day I already felt some fear about that. It's pretty annoying. I feel like other people can go out and get new jobs and maybe just get a little nervous and I end up so nervous I feel like giving up. Why do I always feel so nervous about everything and like I'm the only one who gets this way? It's not something I can just shake off...
I will stop now.

Trick or treat?!

2008-11-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

I posted a blog a while ago but it was a million pages long so I figured I'd try to do a condensed version! Aren't you lucky?
1. I was this thing yesterday for Jen's haunted house:

and while I was at it I also painted my nieces face for her cat costume:

2. SCHTUFF

3. Isaac and I are engaged. He proposed to me on October 21st and that day was simply wonderful thanks to him. We have been keeping quiet about it on YT so it can be discovered by eagle eyes on upcoming IseAndMel videos but I figured that hardly anyone reads this so I can announce it if I want to!
3a. Because of this we are looking into all the immigration forms and fees and it is kind of crazy and confusing. He is moving here btw.
3b. I love Isaac with all my heart and I miss him so much.

4. I can't wait to move out but... I have to wait. I NEED MONEY. Lindsay and I have already talked about plans to move out together when we can. Yay!

Done.

Meet Gerald

2008-10-27T18:26:00.001-07:00

Just one of our new friends.

That's all.

Incredibly sad

2008-10-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

Our last hug was at 5:13, last kiss at about 5:17 and I last saw Isaac around 5:24 this morning as we waved from opposite sides of an airport checkpoint.
That was one hell of a short month. You would think that we would have found time to do every little thing we planned, but we didn't.
We did record some videos but it looks like I will have to edit them on my own. :(
One of the worse things about it is that on Friday night, Isaac got terribly sick. So he was sick all through Saturday and then Sunday was mostly a recovery day. I'm not talking 'I don't feel well' or 'I have a cold' kind of sick, but yucky horrible 'I should bare all the details' kind of sick. It was quite sad seeing him go through that. I did treat him to the kinds of things I would get when I was that sick. Sprite, saltine crackers, chicken and stars, and lots of water.
We have something cool that the public has yet to know (public as in internet people...) but you will find out when I get my ass editing those videos.
But basically what this entry was going to be all about is that I feel alone now and I already miss Isaac...