The earthquakes in Japan and all these tsunami warnings are really making me feel horrible right now. My heart goes out to everyone in the middle of all of this. :(

So to update about the full time thing, I put in my resume and interviewed with my manager earlier this week. We are supposed to find out who gets the job today, I think. I have this huge feeling I won't be getting it. In fact, I think I know exactly who WILL be. Meh.

We finally sold our old desktop computer so we now have our dining table back. It feels really good to sell things on Craigslist, I must say.

My friend Jen will be moving back here soon. Maybe REALLY soon, but I don't know yet. This is pretty exciting for me. :)

Nothing interesting to say today so I'll just leave it at that.

Same shit...

I just realized I have only blogged once so far this year and it was on January 1st.
I can't really explain what it is. My head is so full of thoughts and stress that I just don't know what to SAY anymore. I'm afraid it will all come out as, "IDidiof dsif asop hoad aoisjdoi cnduivnfvyf vudfuivfndsnmoi!"

I was excited for this year AND I STILL AM but part of me forgot earlier that the cool stuff doesn't start until a few months into the year. Plus, this cool stuff will be combined with a lot of stress so I'm not sure I will always see how awesome it really is.

As of right now, my life is the same. It seems that the closer I am getting to seeing Isaac again, the more impatient and lonely I feel. It's really exciting, the thought of having him here with me, but I can't help wondering why we have to be so far apart. It actually makes me angry and sick to see happy couples walking around. It's as though I think that if I can't be with my love now, everyone has to feel this pain. I still have to go through my life on my own just waiting. Go to work, come home, eat, sleep, go online. It seems as though that's all I do. Well, throw in some mindless walks around stores just to waste time and you pretty much have my life.

I have a list of things I could do or should do during this time but I end up putting them all off. Writing and re-writing the same shit on my to-do list over and over again. Like my life is on hold, except the few things I have to do every day.

Where did my day go?

I'm a loser.

I created a tumblr for Isaac and myself to use for updates and stuff. Tumblr stuff, but ours. It's easier than creating our own ugly site.

I also deleted my BowieChick MySpace account because I don't have a reason for it.

I really need to clean my room. Really clean it. I only ever really go in there to get ready and sleep so I haven't really felt much like it's my place to go so I haven't kept it clean.
My brain feels like a mess as well. Constantly feeling on edge and like I'm waiting for my life to really start.
I miss painting and crafting and listening to music.
It's all stuff that I some reason haven't had much time for. I could be listening to music now but I always feel like I'll never be able to complete an album. I don't know why, I am honestly not very busy. My head just is.

I miss my Love, Isaac.

Lately I have been uncomfortable with my own awkwardness and inability to connect at some level with other people. I haven't been keeping in contact with any friends except for Isaac (no shit), Lindsay, and Celsie. I feel badly about this but that still doesn't get me to pick up the phone and call all the others up. I love them and I don't have an explanation for that.

I realized that if I keep sitting at my house waiting for just my couple of friends to become available to do something with, I am not going to experience much. What do I want to experience? I don't know. I feel like I am supposed to be living life now and instead I am just going through a routine of working, talking to Isaac, sleeping, and possibly seeing one of my friends or just wasting gasoline in my car. As much as I love Isaac and my friends... and sleep... I don't like living every day the same exact way.

I need to see fresh faces or new places. That rhyme was not intentional.

Problem: as I've earlier mentioned, I have social problems. Besides Isaac, I haven't made any real new friends since middle or elementary school. And I met Isaac ONLINE for Pete's sake (who is Pete?). That just shows that I don't know how to make friends in the real world or talk to people for the first time. I CAN'T DO IT. I have a hard time even making bloody eye contact, unless I'm at work where I don't even feel like myself.

I feel so stuck with my low self esteem and discomfort.

All my life I have constantly heard people say I am "shy" and I FUCKING HATE being called that. Why? Because the more people say it, the more shy I get.

I am kind of going all over the place right now, I don't even know where my rant started. I can rant on and on about how ugly or lame I think I am, trust me.

2009 Sucks

When Isaac was leaving America at the end of October 2008, I already knew that 2009 was going to suck. At that time, I actually thought we'd be able to see each other at least once or twice this year but that still didn't seem like enough.
That has changed. In the beginning of this year we came to the realization that we can't see each other AT ALL (in person) this year. It would cost too much and we need the money for his moving here and our marriage and everything. And immigration is stressful and hard to deal with. If a couple wasn't strong enough, this process would really split them apart I'm sure. We're doing well though, we have to work together.
So if that's not sucky enough...
People keep dying all over. Not just celebs, mind you. Neighbor, grandpa, people. Not people I'm necessarily that close to but still more than I'm used to. Ziggy got horribly sick and that was scary. Now my dog Daisy is really hurt in her rib area. She can't roll over or lay on her side and we can't pick her up without her crying.
Plus my mom getting that twisted ovary and going to the hospital for a while with a while of thinking it could be an cancerous cyst.
And while we are trying to pay that off, I had to go to the doctor for something that I won't even talk about. More money. Keep having to have my blood drawn. Even MORE money. And now taking hormone pills because I'm a man... EVEN MORE MONEY. It's hard to stay calm about this stuff when you also have to think about the fact that it's bloody expensive!
Plus, Jon and Kate separating and all that shit. Seriously, that bothers me. I am officially on Kate's side of things. Jon needs to grow up.
That kind of lined up with my friend Celsie and her ex. They have a wonderful daughter and were going to get married back in like May or something. Well, they broke up. They are still friends and he isn't abandoning their daughter, he takes her every other week. It's just sad.

I might just be focusing too much on the bad and not on the good but seriously, I am not liking this year. I can't wait until 2010 because I feel that will be a good one.

In other news, my 21st birthday is on the 7th of August which is a week and a day ahead. Too bad I work that day, and all the days around it.

Sick Ziggy, wedding dress, and a sore ass!

It has been almost 2 weeks since I've updated but it feels like longer, for whatever reason.
It's really hot in here and I have the fan blowing directly on my face but this blocks out any sound coming from around me. My mom just walked up behind and said something and it scared the crap out of me. Not literally, ew.
My week has been pretty hectic... but more mentally hectic than anything. I mean, I worked and was busy but I was constantly worried.
Ziggy has been sick for a while now. She had diarrhea and some days would seem alright and some days would just sleep. I should have taken her into the vet at that point. I am kicking myself for not. Well last Friday, the 17th, I woke up to see her on the bottom of the cage lying down with her head facing all the way up. She wouldn't put it down, just move it side to side. I've always heard about birds going to the bottom of the cage when dying so I assumed this was it.
I spent that day crying and holding her in a shirt. She wouldn't eat or drink water and only tumbled around a little on the bottom of the cage.
The next day, her head was no longer looking up but she still couldn't walk. She just slept, wrapped in the shirt and I called in work so I could take care of her. She began eating some millet but seemed almost too weak to chew much. I had to hold her over the water to get her to drink.
By Sunday she was eating the millet on her own after crawling over to it. I still had to help her to her water. She seemed bored at one point, pushing a ball around a tiny bit with her head. She also slept slightly less but still couldn't walk or perch.
I'm sure you get the idea. Still bad, but not great.
I finally got her into the vet on Wednesday morning. $164 later, she had her nails clipped, blood drawn, 2 shots, and all that jazz. We also went home with a medication and new organic bird food. I should have been giving them pellets this whole time, not seeds.

The vet said that she has some kind of neurological problem. The blood results came in yesterday and he suspects it may be lead poisoning. My question is, from what? Peter shows no signs and I don't know what Ziggy could have gotten into that he didn't. I always monitor when they are out.
Well today Ziggy is perching and is able to balance. She goes down to eat and drink on her own. She also won't shut up sometimes, she keeps singing which she hasn't done in a while. I put her back with Peter and they are staying side by side. It's so cute and I feel really relieved. I'm still worried because I don't know what the lead poisoning could be from. I am trying to think if there's anything new she's been chewing on (well, new at the time that the signs started).

In other news, I got my wedding dress! I'm more excited about this fact than I thought I'd be.It fits perfectly around my body but obviously needs to be hemmed. I thought I'd have to buy it myself but after making a deal with my mom to go 50/50, she ended up deciding she'd pay for it all. Isaac and I have to pay the wedding though. Not sure how much help we'll get with that. Oh well! But the dress is really nice, and simple. I like it. You guys will see a picture, I'm sure, but not until after the wedding. This means you'll have to wait until next year!
I went shopping with Lindsay the day before and I didn't see a single thing I liked. But the next day I went back to David's Bridal with my mom and I tried on a few, falling in love with the second dress. It was all really awkward for me though. I am not used to getting any attention from employees when trying on clothing so being the only one in the store and having all eyes on me was just weird. I'm really shy, so I'm sure I looked awkward.
The lady who helped me was nice though and seemed to understand what I was looking for, unlike other stores I went in. I went in an hour before closing and walked out of there with the dress in my arms before the store even closed! They called me a power shopper, my mind was made up. She even hand wrote me a letter a few days later!

I know they do it for everyone, but it's still thoughtful.

Lindsay and I rode our bikes for a few hours yesterday. We went a lot further than we thought we would. The ride there was fine but by the time we headed back I was just hot and tired and my butt hurt like a bitch. Those bike seats aren't made for women's wide set butt bones.
So today I went out and got a nice "womens" bike seat only to find out it doesn't work with the kind of pole I have. In fact, I'm not sure anything does. So my dad is taking it into a specialty bike store tomorrow for me and seeing if they have a replacement pole thing. Or if anything can be done. Seriously, my ass hurts like crazy right now and that's not fun.


P.S. If you don't have any Human Bean coffee places in your area you're missing out. I find so many coffee places to be way too expensive and not that great but I really love The Human Bean. The employees always seem to be nice PLUS you always get a chocolate covered coffee bean with it and that totally makes it a WIN.

I feel like a teenager...

These last three days have been just crap for me.
I just feel so down and emotional. I can't handle stress well right now.
Last night I was tossing and turning with anxiety and I can't pinpoint a reason. Then I started freaking out about nothing. Like I thought I couldn't breathe and then I felt like the sleeve of my shirt was too tight and cutting into my skin (which it wasn't even close!). I feel like I'm going crazy!
It doesn't help that Isaac's computer won't let us talk for more than a hello goodbye. I hope he can get that fixed. Tomorrow I will only be able to say "Hi, bye!" to him because I get off work later. So with yesterday, today, and tomorrow total may equal about 2 hours together or less. We normally talk HOURS a day. Seriously.
And today we didn't even talk. He spent most of the time that we had together getting the pictures off his camera from today. He went to the London International Music Show which had his favorite Steve Vai. Then his computer shut down.
I've just been feeling some strange stress and loneliness that I don't like and don't know what to do about. It's only been for about 3 days but it has felt like ages. I liked being happy.
It just makes me feel a bit like a teenager. Moody, lonely, depressed. Emo. Lawls.
Plus, customers were really rude at work today. It's not our fault you all decide to come at once and cause a big line! We're trying to help you! Just grab a freakin' number!
I'm not able to handle this right now. I just need to talk to Isaac but I haven't had that opportunity at all.

So like a couple weeks ago I went to the doctors and had my blood drawn. My health came back pretty much perfect but the one thing that was off is I guess I'm too much of a man. Yes, you heard me! Too much testosterone. Kind of embarrassing but it's really common so whatever. Women have testosterone my levels are just a little high. I believe it. I am wondering if the medication is messing with me a bit or something. Or maybe I am PMSing. I am part female, after all. I do PMS...

Shit sucks

I'm in my don't-feel-like-blogging-much stage right now. It comes and goes. Sometimes I blog every day! Where does that come from? Does my head grow a bit every once in a while to the point that I feel important enough to blog about nothing? Meh.
I've been kind of down the last couple days. Isaac's computer has been having problems. Starting with the printer, which bothers us because that means he can't print out the forms he needs for immigration. Today his computer is randomly shutting off and smells like burning electricity or something. We cut our talk short today so his computer can rest. We don't want it exploding on us! The guy who built it is coming in on Monday so hopefully he can help him out.
There's also other annoying stuff going on I prefer not to talk about so publicly.
Let's hope my mood improves again and I can get on with my life.

BTW, changed the template on here. Like it? I also changed the look of the IseAndMel website. It's just done on paint but I think it looks fun anyway.

Money money money....

It's hard not to think about it right now.
Isaac and I may have to end up sacrificing seeing each other AT ALL in 2009. I keep thinking about this and we have all the immigration fees to pay for and then the actual marriage (even if we get married in the simplest way) and then saving up for being able to actually leave my parents' house. How do we include travel into this?
I already miss him. Even though I get to talk to him on webcam almost EVERY DAY I still miss him. It's hard when you are restricted to just sitting at the computer and you can't do stuff together. I could try taking my laptop on a walk but that wouldn't be very fun.
I'm trying so hard to just remove the idea of buying anything for fun at all in 2009. I will try to only buy what I NEED because I can't see how anything will work out otherwise. BTW, dollar store FTW.
Long distance relationships are expensive.

AND the British Pound is no longer worth as much more than the US dollar than is used to be! It was at one point almost TWICE as much but he sent me 200 pounds recently and it only was 280something/290 or so. Can you believe it??

I would seriously be able to deal with being basically penniless if Isaac lived here with me now. Think of how easy it would be! But I shouldn't think that way. We have what we have and we will get through it some how. It's just going to be very hard...

Photography and depression

Yesterday I was vacuuming the couches in the house and in the cushion of this one chair, pushed really far in, was a film strip from my photography class I took in high school Sophomore year. It reminded me how much fun it is to just take pictures. I take plenty of pictures... with friends and stuff like that... but not enough of THINGS.
Ever since I found that film strip, I have been thinking about how I should take pictures of where I live. Not for you guys to see, but just for fun. To remind myself how beautiful it can be here.
Photography is fun.
I'm thinking I may even go out tomorrow for a little drive and take pictures of things. Maybe.
Other than that optimistic and random urge to take photographs, I have been pretty down lately. It's hard to be so fucking far from the man you love but I have no choice but to deal with it. Well, I could either deal with it or give up but giving up is not an option. That would just break my (and his, of course) heart...
My self esteem is going up and down a lot lately. Sometimes I feel the same depressed way I did back in high school and that scares me. I wish I could see myself as beautiful at least every once in a while. Whenever I think, "Hey, maybe I'm not that ugly!" I see a photograph or video and that idea just disappears. It's pretty stupid, really. It's not even something that should matter yet I can't help it. No matter how many people tell me otherwise, when I get that one person telling me I'm ugly and fat it just overrides all of it. I don't think that seeing yourself as beautiful can be achieved just by being told you are so but you have to be able to see it yourself. I want to... I don't think I will though.
I also feel... talentless. I have interests but as soon as I see how much I suck at them I just give up. I don't feel like trying sometimes because I feel like it's pointless. I think it's because part of me thinks talent is something you are born with, not something you learn. But another part of me think that's just partly true. I think you are born with talent and when you grow, you expand it and learn more and become better. But I don't think I was born with any talents to begin with so I don't know where to even start. No matter what, I just see what I do as a childish wannabe attempt.
And last but not least... I need a job. But I'm a little scared. Will this place be retail yet AGAIN? Will it suck like Toys R Us or will it actually be OK like JoAnns? The other day I was actually in a decent mood and felt a little hopeful about things and sent an application (w/cover letter) to this one part time receptionist job. Something different, something a little out of my comfort zone. The next day I already felt some fear about that. It's pretty annoying. I feel like other people can go out and get new jobs and maybe just get a little nervous and I end up so nervous I feel like giving up. Why do I always feel so nervous about everything and like I'm the only one who gets this way? It's not something I can just shake off...
I will stop now.

Incredibly sad

Our last hug was at 5:13, last kiss at about 5:17 and I last saw Isaac around 5:24 this morning as we waved from opposite sides of an airport checkpoint.
That was one hell of a short month. You would think that we would have found time to do every little thing we planned, but we didn't.
We did record some videos but it looks like I will have to edit them on my own. :(
One of the worse things about it is that on Friday night, Isaac got terribly sick. So he was sick all through Saturday and then Sunday was mostly a recovery day. I'm not talking 'I don't feel well' or 'I have a cold' kind of sick, but yucky horrible 'I should bare all the details' kind of sick. It was quite sad seeing him go through that. I did treat him to the kinds of things I would get when I was that sick. Sprite, saltine crackers, chicken and stars, and lots of water.
We have something cool that the public has yet to know (public as in internet people...) but you will find out when I get my ass editing those videos.
But basically what this entry was going to be all about is that I feel alone now and I already miss Isaac...

Ahh whats goin' on?

I'm a bit confused about my debit card now. I looked at my balance online and it shows where my last paycheck was put in and then shows a drink I got at Dairy Queen the other day but nothing in between. The thing is, I know I used my card a few times in between those times. Even a couple times on the DAY I got my paycheck... but none of that is showing up. Why, man? It has been a week now...
I'm just confused because I don't know, exactly, what I have. I have no way of knowing now...

I watched that 102 Minutes that Changed America thing last night. Well I stayed up until about 3 AM watching it because I missed it when it first came on. I have no words... it's just horrifying.

So it's about 10 days now until my last day of work.... there you go.

Thoughts meander like a restless wind into a letter box...

Isaac left. Well this morning at about 5:30ish AM was when we said our last words, gave our last hugs, and last kisses. Ok so they aren't the last for life but for now. You guys know what I mean. It's horrible. I feel as though a part of me is missing now. Time went way too fast. I feel as though we didn't have enough time to just chillax enough! It was the first time in my life, that I can remember, that I've spent about 2 weeks with someone and didn't get sick of them at all and felt as though there really weren't enough hours in a day. If I could have, I would have skipped sleeping, eating, showering... whatever would help us have more time together.
I'm so much in love.

Sorry there weren't more videos of us. We did a lot and the idea of just sitting down to make a video would make me feel like we were wasting too much time.

How come these past couple of weeks feel like a couple days?

Ah...

This is so hard.

I have to pee

I have been feeling kind of ugly fat and stupid lately. Just randomly. I guess I just look in the mirror and POO. And then I have been feeling stupid for a million reasons. Bah. Some people are probably reading this going, "It's because you ARE ugly fat and stupid" but shut up. I don't want to think that way. Sure, I always feel a little better after a while of talking to Isaac but then something happens to make me feel horrible about myself again. Oh poop.

I was entertained by watching Amy Winehouse's reaction to winning the Grammy. It reminds me of a scene from a movie. Everyone else cheering and jumping around while she just stares with this face of shock and the camera slowly zooms in. She eventually starts to move around hugging people and stuff. I am honestly not really a fan of her but the reaction was fun.