The earthquakes in Japan and all these tsunami warnings are really making me feel horrible right now. My heart goes out to everyone in the middle of all of this. :(

So to update about the full time thing, I put in my resume and interviewed with my manager earlier this week. We are supposed to find out who gets the job today, I think. I have this huge feeling I won't be getting it. In fact, I think I know exactly who WILL be. Meh.

We finally sold our old desktop computer so we now have our dining table back. It feels really good to sell things on Craigslist, I must say.

My friend Jen will be moving back here soon. Maybe REALLY soon, but I don't know yet. This is pretty exciting for me. :)

Nothing interesting to say today so I'll just leave it at that.

Then our skin gets thicker from living out in the snow...

I'm trying to get the basic planning for our wedding out of the way so I won't have to worry about it later.
Things are going alright, kind of, but I've hit a bit of a road bump.
I forgot that many people in my family would have a problem with a secular wedding.
We aren't going to have a wedding that doesn't represent us, but at the same time I am so scared.
There are a couple family members that can't quite keep their mouths shut at ANY wedding and always cause problems. But uh oh, have a wedding without a mention of god in the ceremony and we may have a problem.
I mean, if they felt the need to pray for us or something, they could go ahead. But it will be OUR wedding day and if they have the nerve to make a problem during it then that would just be really immature.
Maybe they won't think that it's a real marriage. Well unfortunately for them, it is a real marriage regardless of whether there's a pastor or a judge holding it.
I may be jumping ahead in judging how people may react but I feel the need to prepare for it so it doesn't catch me off guard. I had a problem just now with my mom saying it's a shame we aren't having a christian ceremony. Sorry to disappoint you.
I either have a choice of disappointing them or having a ceremony that neither of us want.

WAAHHHHH

2009 Sucks

When Isaac was leaving America at the end of October 2008, I already knew that 2009 was going to suck. At that time, I actually thought we'd be able to see each other at least once or twice this year but that still didn't seem like enough.
That has changed. In the beginning of this year we came to the realization that we can't see each other AT ALL (in person) this year. It would cost too much and we need the money for his moving here and our marriage and everything. And immigration is stressful and hard to deal with. If a couple wasn't strong enough, this process would really split them apart I'm sure. We're doing well though, we have to work together.
So if that's not sucky enough...
People keep dying all over. Not just celebs, mind you. Neighbor, grandpa, people. Not people I'm necessarily that close to but still more than I'm used to. Ziggy got horribly sick and that was scary. Now my dog Daisy is really hurt in her rib area. She can't roll over or lay on her side and we can't pick her up without her crying.
Plus my mom getting that twisted ovary and going to the hospital for a while with a while of thinking it could be an cancerous cyst.
And while we are trying to pay that off, I had to go to the doctor for something that I won't even talk about. More money. Keep having to have my blood drawn. Even MORE money. And now taking hormone pills because I'm a man... EVEN MORE MONEY. It's hard to stay calm about this stuff when you also have to think about the fact that it's bloody expensive!
Plus, Jon and Kate separating and all that shit. Seriously, that bothers me. I am officially on Kate's side of things. Jon needs to grow up.
That kind of lined up with my friend Celsie and her ex. They have a wonderful daughter and were going to get married back in like May or something. Well, they broke up. They are still friends and he isn't abandoning their daughter, he takes her every other week. It's just sad.

I might just be focusing too much on the bad and not on the good but seriously, I am not liking this year. I can't wait until 2010 because I feel that will be a good one.

In other news, my 21st birthday is on the 7th of August which is a week and a day ahead. Too bad I work that day, and all the days around it.

Spiders

We get a lot of spiders in our house and I just went into the kitchen, turned on the light, and there was a HUGE one on the wall. I hate killing those. I just feel sorry for them. They are just minding their own business, most of the time. At the same time, I can't stand them in my house! They scare the shit out of me.
So, I kill them.
Normally if it's during the day I will make a loud noise while doing it to cover that nasty popping sound they make when killed. That sound haunts me. Unfortunately, when it's late at night and people are sleeping, I just have to bear it. I also hate when the tissue is too thin between your hand and the spider and you can FEEL IT!
I always apologize after killing bugs. "Sorry spider!!" And I do feel sorry, I honestly do. Except for ants. Those are just little devils. I hate them. They invade every summer no matter how much poison we try. Seriously, we do everything. They take over the kitchen and we just have to enjoy a little bit of ant seasoning in everything. Don't you hate the smell of squished ants??

Ok, there's a bit of a less emo sounding blog. But I am still in just as bad of a mood, don't get too excited.

"Guns don't kill people..."

I will make a blog about my mom some other time and her operation but right now I want to talk a bit about guns. I will keep this short.

I hate guns. I really do. I also hate how people try to defend them so much. Oh, shut up. I've heard it all and I think it's all lame.

Here's something someone wrote that kind of explains what I think.

I also hate hunting. If you live out there and you have to hunt to survive, go for it! But if you live in the city and go to the store to buy your meat but just go hunting for fun? Fuck you, seriously. Excuse my language. Sad, pathetic, I could go on. Have children and you got them a gun so they can shoot animals with you? Oh what a wonderful life! Oh yes, video games are horrible *rolls eyes*.

I don't think hunting or guns make someone manly or tough. Want to win over my heart? Use your brain.

I'm so glad I found a guy that's on my side with this. No wonder I don't like American men.

/rant

Photography and depression

Yesterday I was vacuuming the couches in the house and in the cushion of this one chair, pushed really far in, was a film strip from my photography class I took in high school Sophomore year. It reminded me how much fun it is to just take pictures. I take plenty of pictures... with friends and stuff like that... but not enough of THINGS.
Ever since I found that film strip, I have been thinking about how I should take pictures of where I live. Not for you guys to see, but just for fun. To remind myself how beautiful it can be here.
Photography is fun.
I'm thinking I may even go out tomorrow for a little drive and take pictures of things. Maybe.
Other than that optimistic and random urge to take photographs, I have been pretty down lately. It's hard to be so fucking far from the man you love but I have no choice but to deal with it. Well, I could either deal with it or give up but giving up is not an option. That would just break my (and his, of course) heart...
My self esteem is going up and down a lot lately. Sometimes I feel the same depressed way I did back in high school and that scares me. I wish I could see myself as beautiful at least every once in a while. Whenever I think, "Hey, maybe I'm not that ugly!" I see a photograph or video and that idea just disappears. It's pretty stupid, really. It's not even something that should matter yet I can't help it. No matter how many people tell me otherwise, when I get that one person telling me I'm ugly and fat it just overrides all of it. I don't think that seeing yourself as beautiful can be achieved just by being told you are so but you have to be able to see it yourself. I want to... I don't think I will though.
I also feel... talentless. I have interests but as soon as I see how much I suck at them I just give up. I don't feel like trying sometimes because I feel like it's pointless. I think it's because part of me thinks talent is something you are born with, not something you learn. But another part of me think that's just partly true. I think you are born with talent and when you grow, you expand it and learn more and become better. But I don't think I was born with any talents to begin with so I don't know where to even start. No matter what, I just see what I do as a childish wannabe attempt.
And last but not least... I need a job. But I'm a little scared. Will this place be retail yet AGAIN? Will it suck like Toys R Us or will it actually be OK like JoAnns? The other day I was actually in a decent mood and felt a little hopeful about things and sent an application (w/cover letter) to this one part time receptionist job. Something different, something a little out of my comfort zone. The next day I already felt some fear about that. It's pretty annoying. I feel like other people can go out and get new jobs and maybe just get a little nervous and I end up so nervous I feel like giving up. Why do I always feel so nervous about everything and like I'm the only one who gets this way? It's not something I can just shake off...
I will stop now.

Low battery *beep beep beep*

I made little clay donuts... and then made a bracelet out of them.

Oh and check out this spider that was on the wall. I just felt like taking a picture of it.

We're gonna sail to the hinterland.

So I have been viciously cleaning the house today. Fun stuff, I know. Well it is nice, though, to do something other than going to work.
Anyways I took a break to go online and I have a couple things to say:
1. I got this full length mirror at work because it was pretty damn cheap on sale. Don't even know where to put it but whatever. So I finally decide to take the cardboard that is around it off. I just ripped it all off in a bit of a hurry (don't know why) and right then I saw something fly out from it. I looked to see what it was and it was a razor blade! AHHH! That could have been pretty bad if it was stuck in the cardboard and I grabbed it or something. Just the idea of what COULD have happened freaked me out.
2. I saw a little bit of this show on E! about murders and such. All I saw was a bit about these two kids that randomly decided to just shoot a bunch of middle schoolers. I think the killers were 11 and 13 or something. They are now adults have have been released from jail with a clean record, wtf? And they apparently don't show any remorse or anything. WTF??? There was no reason given or ANYTHING. Well anyways. This just made me cry. The fact that there are so many people out there that would do something like this and not give a shit. Peoples lives are worth so much and then all these fuckfacetardassbitchbastardsnessers have to come along and just end someone elses life and ruin all the lives of those that loved the person.
And even those people out there that don't kill but are judging and hating or just scaring are about as bad as these murders. Arg. Done.

It is time.

Hello there world. I got out my camera today and brought it with me on a little ride while I did ran around doing stuff but then I realized I have nothing I wish I tell the world in video form right now. And I have no interesting video ideas. It's like my mind will only allow me to be either creative with arts and crafts OR videos, but never both at the same time. Ever.
So that was FAIL.
When Isaac is here, videos shall come. We have ideas.

So what has Melody been up to? Well yesterday after work I cleaned the house a little (though one room is already TRASHED again... my craft room/Isaac's bedroom). I can't help it if I want to create without picking up my mess! And I also made this YouTube shirt. Well, almost. I just have to finish that off. I also worked on some PJ pants for Isaac. Almost done! And some other random crap here and there. Today I didn't do as much productive stuff. Just mostly enjoying my day off. I did run around getting some things I needed/wanted and babysat my nephew and blah blah blah but yeah. I just feel so much better knowing that I have some days off without any set plans. EEEH! I really needed this.

Today I cut my finger pretty deep. It happened with some thing in my car, details don't matter. But luckily it must be a small enough cut (though, as I said, deep) and in just the right spot because it didn't bleed at all but it hurt like hell, and I could see how deep it was.
And then about 30 minutes ago I was outside and I was going to water some plants. Well I filled up the watering bucket and then when I go to pick it up, I feel a pain on my finger. I let go and see a spider fall from where I was holding it and then soon after saw ANOTHER on the handle jump off. Shit, I hate spiders. I don't know what kind of spider it was but I should be fine. It just scared me and I still have the heebie jeebies.

I am blabbing on and on, stop me now.

I have lots of chores and things I want to get done tomorrow and I want to watch a movie now (still don't know which one came in the mail, so it will be a surprise) so I better stop rambling. Now.
NOW! MELODY STOP!
Ok.

Untitled #3298219290840398

I have a new video up called "We're Cool Like Dat!". It seems to not be generally accepted by my audience but whatever. [EDIT: ok, maybe just not accepted by SOME.] I had fun making it with Lindsay nonetheless and I find it funny myself. I don't commonly find my own videos funny so this is rare. Why are these people trying to ruin that for me? Oh and Lindsay uploaded this "behind the scenes" type of video. Something that happened when we were just finishing up our last shot. She called it "Teenage Boys". Yeah, go watch if you wanna.

I was reading some more about Jim Jones (the cult leader, not the rapper) and about Michael Travesser and all these other lame-os. It's very interesting stuff to me. You know, cults and religions (which some may say are interchangeable words). It's interesting also how my view of religion has definitely changed in the last year or two-ish. But I won't go there because it really doesn't concern anyone else. But I'm about to watch "The End of the World Cult." on youtube, uploaded in 5 parts...

Subscription update: K80blog. I've finally subscribed. The recent "I got robbed" video along with her "Why I'm Not in the YouTube Partners Program!" are the things that really caught my attention.

Sick??

I kind of feel ill. Ugh. But being me, I have to spend this time on the computer. BUT luckily since this IS a laptop, I can still lie on this here bed here here. I don't know why I'm talking so weird. Well not so much talking more of just typing weird. Ahh. Anyways, I hope it wasn't the fact that my mom and I shared one of these:
Well she hasn't eaten her half yet but I ate mine. I don't know why it would make me sick but you never know, right? Ugh I have a headache. And now thinking about eating that is making me feel kind of weird.
Now I am just waiting for Isaac to get online so I can complain about how I don't feel well. I have been such a complainer lately. Ahhhh nah I will try not to.

In this search for a job I just don't know what to do. I just need some little simple thing. It can be in retail I just don't want to have to try to push some store credit card or something so that narrows down a bunch of places I don't want to work. It seems as though all the coolest places to work are little shops they aren't hiring. Lucky betches. I want to work in a little weird record store or something. I think that would be cool. Maybe not? How would I know? I don't. But I have bad judgment. I thought Toys R Us would have been cool. It's not like I was expecting to play with toys there but I thought that the environment would make people there happier and funner to be around but it seems to do the opposite. Save your soul and don't work there. Because of Toys R Sucks, I am assuming that every store would be absolute hell to work in. It's funny because I thought that over time I would get used to it and it would just seem like part of my life - going to work at TRU - but really every day I went to work there it felt like my first day and like everyone was stressed about everything. It just sucked the life out of me, I felt. The days I had off were spent thinking about how I would have to go back to work the next day and wander around the store aimlessly trying to avoid management because even if I WAS doing everything right AND with a smile on my face, I was just glared at or yelled at on the headset walkie talkie things. Maybe there were a couple fun or just not so horrible times but I hardly remember them in the mess of the crap. The day and couple weeks after quitting were the best days I had in many months, I believe. It's possible that I made the experience worse by not looking on the bright side of things or at least talking to more co workers, but I really did talk to some of them and found plenty to be nice but MOST of the nice ones broke down and quit soon after starting. Hmm.

15ish more days to go!

I hate when I get this sudden feeling that I'm going to throw up so I RUN to the bathroom. It normally ends up that I'm just paranoid because I HATE HATE barfing. That was the case today, thank God. I don't know why I'm so scared of it. When I was younger I used to think I was going to die every time I got sick and I think that just stuck with me. Why do things I am told or think as a child just stick with me like that? I still can't look at the word cocoon without thinking it's bad. I won't go into that one because it's boring.
I have 15 days to go until the wonderful awesomeness thing! :):):):):)