I miss painting and crafty stuff. I really do have the time for it but I normally just end up getting out of the house because I don't feel like wasting summer any more than I already am. That's probably why so many more people do those things (and sew) in the winter. You're trapped inside anyway so why not? The clean up process after making the mess is also a bummer. I can't help but think about how much of a pain it is to clean out paint brushes and all of that stuff when I'm done and I don't even want to make the mess anymore. Where can I get a free maid that will do all this for me? Meh. In that sense, I am excited for fall and winter. At the same time I feel as though I haven't had much of a summer. It's not as though I ever really did any of my life. I've always been a nerd that just hid away waiting for summer to end. The main reason is because I had/have hyperhidrosis which is completely embarrassing and in summer I couldn't hide it with a jacket. Fortunately, that's not something I have to deal with as much anymore but it took years to mentally recover from the humiliation and problems it caused. Still, I don't have many friends (only 2 I've seen in MONTHS) and it's pretty hard having fun when you're alone. I just wish I could have a fun summery summer for once and not regret wasting it all away being a loser. !97297927 (*@&982729 (*&2 298eoiywhdjkc
It's getting harder and harder for me to work at the type of job I have. The idea of me doing it for a few more years or my whole life kills me. It's not the co-workers, I just have a really really REALLY hard time dealing with customers. I complain about them often enough on here. Just sitting here, I feel like screaming or crying thinking about how much a pain so many of them seem to be. It might actually just be a few but they really stick out in my head and I automatically just view all customers as this way. I am sick of the ones that treat me like crap and assume I make the rules of the store I work at. NEWS FLASH: I don't! I am also not the one that supplies the store with merchandise so I have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT WHAT YOU WANT IS GONE OR DOESN'T EXIST! It's also getting harder for me to keep my cool with them. I used to be able to smile or treat them nicely until they left but this anger bottled up in me and I used to cry after work... a lot. Now, if a customer is so rude to me that I can't handle it, I don't bother being nice. It's not as though I yell at them or call them anything rude to their face, I just give them a cold shoulder. This isn't professional but they should learn to treat people better. It's a good thing I don't serve food, I'm sure you could imagine what I'd do with that. :)
It's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.
I hate when you've had a full day of events... but you get home to sleep and all you can think about is little things you've said or done or didn't do and you feel embarrassed or annoyed or just tired of yourself. Maybe that's just me. Headache.
I should be asleep. I work in the morning and then have plans with Lindsay after work. I want to be awake for this. But I can't. I bet you're expecting me to say something is on my mind and it is making me unable to sleep.
The truth is..
I ate one of those long tubes of Pixie Stix tonight. I bought two of them when I went to see Lindsay where she works. I haven't had Pixie Stix in a long time but it's been even longer since I've had the giant kind. I forgot that they are impossible to open without a knife or something. I spent about 10 minutes chewing on the end until it burst open.
So now I have a ton of sugar in me and I can feel it. When will I crash?
Oh wait a second. I put the window with the blog down as I went to some other sites and I am suddenly very tired so now Melody goes night-night.
I also realized recently that I say "I" a lot and start most of my sentences with it. How can I avoid that? Seriously. It's bugging me.
I created a tumblr for Isaac and myself to use for updates and stuff. Tumblr stuff, but ours. It's easier than creating our own ugly site.
I also deleted my BowieChick MySpace account because I don't have a reason for it.
I really need to clean my room. Really clean it. I only ever really go in there to get ready and sleep so I haven't really felt much like it's my place to go so I haven't kept it clean. My brain feels like a mess as well. Constantly feeling on edge and like I'm waiting for my life to really start. I miss painting and crafting and listening to music. It's all stuff that I some reason haven't had much time for. I could be listening to music now but I always feel like I'll never be able to complete an album. I don't know why, I am honestly not very busy. My head just is.
I miss my Love, Isaac.
Lately I have been uncomfortable with my own awkwardness and inability to connect at some level with other people. I haven't been keeping in contact with any friends except for Isaac (no shit), Lindsay, and Celsie. I feel badly about this but that still doesn't get me to pick up the phone and call all the others up. I love them and I don't have an explanation for that.
I realized that if I keep sitting at my house waiting for just my couple of friends to become available to do something with, I am not going to experience much. What do I want to experience? I don't know. I feel like I am supposed to be living life now and instead I am just going through a routine of working, talking to Isaac, sleeping, and possibly seeing one of my friends or just wasting gasoline in my car. As much as I love Isaac and my friends... and sleep... I don't like living every day the same exact way.
I need to see fresh faces or new places. That rhyme was not intentional.
Problem: as I've earlier mentioned, I have social problems. Besides Isaac, I haven't made any real new friends since middle or elementary school. And I met Isaac ONLINE for Pete's sake (who is Pete?). That just shows that I don't know how to make friends in the real world or talk to people for the first time. I CAN'T DO IT. I have a hard time even making bloody eye contact, unless I'm at work where I don't even feel like myself.
I feel so stuck with my low self esteem and discomfort.
All my life I have constantly heard people say I am "shy" and I FUCKING HATE being called that. Why? Because the more people say it, the more shy I get.
I am kind of going all over the place right now, I don't even know where my rant started. I can rant on and on about how ugly or lame I think I am, trust me.
I am tired and can't wait for a day or two or four off. ;) Even with short shifts, it still messes with my days. Waking up earlier or whatever, having to make plans around it, and then thinking about my next day at work. I really can't complain, it's a job. Plus, I begged for this job back. Well, not really. I just went in and said "HEY!" and got it back. Not exactly like that but it may as well have been. Still, I appreciate my job but I can never get used to CUSTOMERS. You, customers, are the reason it's hard to go to work. You, customers, are the reason I want to hide in a corner and wimper. Don't worry, I know that most customers are just human but those few/hundred that come in daily and don't have anything better to do than make me feel like shit are really making me bitter about ALL customers. Sorry about that, I don't hate you all. :) Anyone in any kind of customer service job can probably relate. Oh the horror. Oh the minimum wage. Oh. So I'm 21 now. Not much exciting about that. I don't drink and haven't drank anything yet. No, seriously. Ever. In my life. Haven't had alcohol. Never felt the need or anything and never set myself in an environment where people were drinking. Plus, I kind of liked knowing that I am/was a rare breed - under aged people that didn't drink alcohol. Even when I checked "No" next to "drinks alcohol" on a questionnaire at the doctor's office, the doctor assumed I just didn't want to say yes and get in trouble for being under 21. Psh, my answer IS no. Now, that's not to say that I thought everyone that drank as a teenager is inferior or stupid. I just didn't feel like I needed to. Though I must say that I will never understand people who only seem to hang out with friends if they are drinking. I see it on MySpace on the time. It seems like people only have pictures of themselves at partys with a drink in their hands acting careless. I even remember this in high school. But now that that has been said, I will most likely drink some time soon. I mean, I'm 21. I've reached my "goal". I remember when I was a child and told myself I wouldn't drink until I was old enough. It's not as though I had to consiously remind myself all the time of this or that I felt pressured by society to. It stuck with me, that's all. We will see how this goes. >_< And now, I shall go. I'm so bloody tired. I have no idea why I'm even up or why I typed a blog when I rather be in bed. I have been tired since I woke up early this morning! Crazy Melody.
Today is one of those Instant Lunch soup in a cup kind of days. I don't even like the stuff much but we have it in the house and it's easy. I don't have to think about it! Plus I have Cheez-Its in a Spiderman bowl and some iced tea. Healthy, I know. I am just so lazy today I didn't bother with breakfast, though I woke early enough that I should have had some. My stomach was gr0wling and I rather sit at the computer. It's pretty sad actually. This week, going as crappy as it already is, would be the perfect week to take my day off and go do something fun. I just don't have the willpower to get my butt out of these comfy pajamas at the moment.