Thursday, April 30, 2009

Going grey.

[Insert loud sigh here]
Yes, last VEDA video done today and in 24 minutes, it will be May 1st. April was weird. Weird weird weeeeeeeird. I blame it on VEDA. Oh and the fact that I worked only one day this month. It took a long time for my manager to get me on the schedule so I only worked a day I was called in because I think someone called in sick or something. I really re-start my job in this first week of May.
May already? Really? I am just realizing it's actually going kind of fast.

So why did VEDA mess with my mind so much? Because it's all I can think about! I wake up in the morning and have to plan my day around filming and editing a video which can be quite a chore, even for a simple one. And then I have to try and keep thinking about what I could possibly talk about the next day. Most of the time I would never think of anything but I couldn't stop thinking about it!
In fact, I still am. I feel like I have to make a video tomorrow! BLAH! NO VIDEO TOMORROW HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Enough about VEDA.

I'm getting old. I keep finding grey hairs. They are all about 2 inches long and in random spots on my head. Lovely! I'm not going to pull them out though because that trend seems pointless to me. It's just a grey hair, it's not a disease. Besides, even tugging on them hurts. I don't like pulling out my hair!
It just means I'm maturing. Ha.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Go away, I don't want you!

Blogs are great. I'm going to blog now.

Do you have shit to say about how our (mine and Isaac's) relationship and marriage won't work? Funny, I noticed you were a single old man that knows nothing about our relationship and strength.

Nothing against unmarried men that are advanced in age or anything... but complete offense to those that I am referring to. And yes, it's relevant to mention that you're SINGLE and OLD and a MAN. With those details I can easily come to the conclusion that you have no idea what you're talking about and there's even a possibility you want me single just so you can dream of having me. Sigh.

I still find it interesting that my demographics are 68% male and of those males, 35-65 is the normal age range. I don't mean to offend any of you who may happen to be in this category but I'm sure you could understand why it kind of makes me uncomfortable, right?

In YouTube (s)news, tomorrow is the last day of April so quite obviously it's the last day of VEDA. I. Can't. Wait. To get it over with. I almost don't remember what it's like to not feel like I have to film and edit and post a video every day. It will certainly be nice for Isaac. We can actually talk without him having to sit through me editing. This all really does cut into our together time.

I am planning on doing my last VEDA out somewhere. Vlogging outside has got to be one of the most awkward things for me to do. I have this social anxiety that's pretty hard to deal with. The feeling I get when I whip out a camera, even around friends, in public is already hard enough. I can't seem to talk to the camera with people around, bah! All I can worry about when by myself is, "What if someone walks out from around that corner right now? How will I look sitting here by myself talking to a camera?" Wahh!! Some people can do it, but I know I'm not alone with this.

Now... what should I talk about tomorrow? Meh.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Lists of things.

Place I currently wish I could go:
  • ENGLAND. More specifically: Where Isaac is. Obviously.
  • San Francisco. It has sounded like a fun place to go lately. I haven't been there in a while.
  • Disneyland! I could really use the fun.
  • The movie theater. I don't know if any movies are out but I haven't been to a movie theater in about a year or so. That shit's too much $.
  • Some place with lots of animals. Maybe Wildlife Safari again or something. That place is AWESOME.
  • Santa Cruz. Los Angeles... somewhere in California it seems! I love Oregon but sometimes (hardly, but SOMETIMES) I feel like a California person. Maybe because I was born in Santa Cruz? Nah, I just need to get away from here every once in a while.
  • Some mountain. I want to hike.
  • Seattle. I haven't gone to Washington since I was little and I REALLY want to go again.
People I want to see:
  • Isaac. That should be a given. Seriously, did I NEED to say? <3
  • Lindsay. I saw her a couple days ago as we went on a LONG walk all over the place but I want us to just chill or something.
  • Amanda, Jen, and Megan. Plus Lindsay. All at once. I want our group back together! See, Amanda's in New Mexico now (well, now as in for almost 3 years haha), Jen's in Idaho with her husband Johnathan and baby in belly, and Megan's IN Oregon but we just don't talk or see each other. Sometimes the idea of just having that high school free silly fun seems so nice but I don't know if it will ever be the same. Oh well, still want us all together again even if it's to complain about work and talk about babies.
  • David Bowie. As much as I am no longer OBSESSED, I am still BowieChick. I want to see him live in concert at least once or get to see him face to face and say, "Hey."
  • Isaac's mom. Or mum? AHH WHAT IS SHE. She's going to be my mum. That's what I've decided. I won't call her my mother in law, she's just mum. I just want to meet her. Kind of all just related to how I just want to go there!
  • Water. Water is a person I want to see. My throat and mouth are asking to meet it. AHH I'M THIRSTY AND CRAZY.
Things I wish I had:
  • Chapstick on my lips RIGHT NOW. They are bothering me. Ok, wish just granted.
  • Isaac's arms around me and his lips on my cheek. Oh, sorry.
  • Different clothes. I get so sick of what I own and I am so tired of always wearing t-shirts and jeans and simple hoodies. I mean, it was great during high school but I'm not in high school anymore and it just makes me feel sloppy and a bit more ugly. I see others dressed like that and people can pull it off but I no longer am into it for myself. I like nice clothes, I really do. I just don't know how to dress myself and never have the money if I do see something I would love.
  • An apartment of my own. I know that staying here as long as I am allowed is really a nice thing for my parents to allow but I am getting to that point where I feel the need to get out. I know it isn't possible without money so...
  • Money and lots of it. Money can't buy happiness? I say BAH! Sure, I understand that saying but it all depends on how you use what you have spent that money on that makes you happy. I mean, that money could buy me a plane ticket to see Isaac at least once in 2009 and seeing him would make me happier. Or having the kind of money to buy a new computer for myself would mean I wouldn't have to use my dad's causing us to have arguments over who gets to use the computer and stuff. Or when I AM forced to use my computer I can't talk to Isaac on Skype because it drops every 10 seconds making me very angry and NOT happy. Computer = How I communicate with Isaac. Isaac = Happy. So, working computer all my own = happy.
    Whoa, went on a little rant there but don't worry, I won't be spending any money I earn on a new computer anytime soon. In fact, probably no new computer for me until long after 2010. Oh well, I'll deal.
What I don't like about myself right now:
  • My obvious want for money and materialistic items. Shame.
  • My weight.
  • My laziness and lack of energy.
  • Reaccuring lack of creativity.
  • Inability to write or speak properly.
  • My screwed up sleep times.
What I do like about myself right now:
  • My heart. If feels nice all the time.
  • I haven't chewed on my nails in ages.
  • The way my hair looked today.
What I hope to accomplish this year:
  • Earn enough money on my own to pay for wedding, some sort of honeymoon, to help with Isaac's trip and shipping his stuff over (even if I don't have to), and still have enough saved up for everything else.
  • Get back into painting.
  • Make more stuff for Etsy.
  • Read a zillion books. Not really, just more than normal.
  • ChaCha a lot. I became a guide and it's kind of fun!
  • Do the best I can do at work. In the end, I'm getting payed to do it and that's great. Plus, everyone's amazing. Work is good, I need to remember.
  • Figure out what's wrong with my bike gears, fix it, and ride it more.
  • Lose at least 15 pounds.
  • Become a better friend.
  • Realize that I can make great friends on YouTube. I just need to be open to it in order for that to happen. I am a crap communicator, replyer, and internet friend.

Wind up working in a gas station

I felt like writing a blog because even though I am vlogging everyday, I just feel more freedom in blogs. I mean, I don't even have to make sense and I don't seem to get complaints! Blogs are a little less strict.

Today was pretty boring. Nothing new there. I woke up at 10 which I hate doing. It feels too late to me. I mean, I love it if I stayed up until like 3 AM or something but ugh, I really DO like waking up at 8ish. Not surprisingly though, if I HAVE to wake up at 8ish to go to something I DON'T want to wake up. I have been waking around 10 lately and it makes me feel bad. I missed out on 2 perfectly good morning hours! And then I just end up eating a brunch instead of breakfast OR lunch and my day feels screwed.

I did go to the library though and returned my other book and got "Sloppy Firsts" by Megan McCafferty as suggested by HayleyGHoover on her blog.

I've been more into reading blogs lately, always checking my subscriptions on blogger to see if there's anything new to read. A constant reminder that I have a boring life... and that I suck at writing. Oh well, never thought I was good at it anyways. :)

I go through stages with my hair. Like the stages of not wanting to straighten it or anything and i just wear it in a naturally curly/frizzy ponytail and look like a mess. Or where I only wear it down and straight. Or only wear it UP and straight. Well as you might be able to tell I am currently in the down and curled (not natural curl, obviously) faze. I like this one, it makes me feel slightly less ugly and blah.

I am going to go through the comments on today's video and try and figure out what I am going to do tomorrow.

But first, I think I'm going to make a list. Or two. I feel like making lists, damn it! I will make it a separate post. Just because.

Friday, April 17, 2009


I gave in and had a look at the current beginning selection of movies and shows available on YouTube now. I watched Carrie because I have never seen the whole thing before. That movie is just terrible! I mean like I can see why people liked it but it makes me angry and grosses me out. Anyways. It's weird, people said that the commercials ruined it but I didn't get commercials. But when I refreshed the page after watching the whole thing, there were commercials and ads. I could see the little yellow tabs for where all of them would be. Why weren't they there the first time?
I don't know, I'm fine I guess with them having this stuff I just hope it stays a little tab and they don't make it all the front page is about or something.

My video I uploaded today (the 16th) has crap quality. I filmed it with my camcorder which CAN have goodish quality but I did it in a pretty badly lit room so I had to up the brightness when editing which made it look a bit weird but then as I tried to export it widescreen, it went poo. It has bars all around and it is all pixely. I spent about an hour trying to play around with export settings on Adobe Premiere Elements 2.0 and then uploading private little tests to YouTube. Freakin' annoying. But I finally found out how to do it.... I think. I will really test it tomorrow when I make a video. We'll see how that works. Ahh!

I just realized it's 1:11 AM and I had plans on waking up earlier. Why do I do this? Blah!


Sunday, April 12, 2009


I wish people would stop telling me how to live my life. People I have never met and people who don't know me. It just makes me angry. Stop please, now. Just. Stop. Telling. Me. What. To. Do.
The end bye.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


I felt like responding to this comment on my last blog. I don't know who did it but whatever.

"You make your life too complicated. First anyone who has watched your videos for even a short time has seen video of you without makeup and/or with your hair in a curly wet ponytail. Maybe even a video of you in your PJs? Could be wrong about the PJs though. So if they weren't bothered enough to stop watching your videos the first time they saw you like that, they probably won't be now."
I don't make my life complicated, I don't know what that's all about. Just because I don't want to make a video when I'm not comfortable doesn't mean I am making things complicated. And I never said the reason is because I think people will unsubscribe, I could care less. I thought it was simple enough just to say I am not comfortable with it. I don't go out in public that way and I don't like people seeing me like that. I am not going to post a video I am uncomfortable with the public seeing. Sometimes I may post a video but when I'm sick I really don't want the world to see me.

"Anyway, isn't that what v-bloging is about? Real life? Unless you're are just aspiring to be one of those fake YouTube Partner v-blogers. Which would be sad if it was true."
I think you're looking too far into this. I am not trying to be fake, I am simply not comfortable without makeup and my hair all shit. I don't share every aspect of my life on YouTube and that is one I wish to rarely show, it doesn't make me at all fake.

"Same thing with your job. Don't make it complicated, by worrying about what other people are thinking. Just take care of yourself. Do your best work, have fun doing it as much as possible, and enjoy the people you are working with. That way things wont be so difficult for you."
Do you think I am choosing to think that way? It's just my insecurity that I have always dealt with. I can't just say to myself, "Ooh Melody, you're making it too complicated for yourself! Stop!" It's just how I am.

I am sure this comment was made with good intentions, or I hope anyways. I just felt like responding because it kind of felt like this person just assumes I am doing things for a reason and that they know what they are. Or something.

I have to go do stuff bye.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Ooh I want Poptarts!!

Apparently the new Red Dwarf is crap. That's sad.

I didn't post a video today or yesterday which kind of ruins the whole idea of Vlogging EVERY DAY in April. Meh, people will get over it if they even care. I went into the whole thing with the idea in mind that I probably wouldn't be able to succeed in doing it every day. If I was to be doing the BLOG Every Day April, I would most likely be able to do it.
The truth is, I'm a girl who doesn't like the world to see me without makeup and with my hair in an ugly unruly curly wet ponytail. Oh and in PJs. I COULD easily get all ready just to make a video but I am sick right now with a pretty annoying cold and the IDEA of doing that is enough to make my head hurt.
Oh well, it's not the end of the world. Or even the month. I will still try to make as many videos as I can this month. I haven't completely given up on VEDA. Or even Vlog ALMOST Every Day April. VAEDA. It's an interesting experience and challenge.

I eat so much when I have a cold. It's pretty pathetic actually. At least I got some healthy food in today, haha.

I'm not sure when I will be starting work yet. I went in on Wednesday just to talk to the manager and get things sorted but I guess she wasn't able to "get me back in the system" until today. Whatever that means. I will go in tomorrow just to sign something and that's all I know. It may take a couple weeks to get me on the schedule. That would make sense, considering the schedules for these two weeks are already posted. Hmm.
It will feel so strange going back there. I left with the idea in my head that I wasn't going back and that my last day was my LAST DAY THERE. Not that I'm dreading going back, it will just be weird. Will it feel like going back in time 6ish months? I already feel kind of like that when I just go in to walk around!
I think it took me so long to go back just because I felt this fear of admitting in some way that I should have never left and that even though I some reason thought I could find better, I ended up in a crap job with hardly any money. Before I left, when I put in my two weeks notice, the manager told me that I could instead just take a month off while Isaac was here! That's an amazing opportunity. I mean, how many retail stores in America give someone that has only been there like 5 months a chance to take a month off and still have the job? That's hard to find, really. I am sure another reason I didn't just take that opportunity is because I'm kind of stubborn I guess. I already had it settled in my brain that I was leaving.
I will always remember this one day I went in to pick up my last paycheck. Isaac was with me (we also got some green fabric for a green screen but it has yet to be tested!) and he waited downstairs. I went up with one of the managers. She is one of those people who I just got the feeling didn't like me. I am bad with feelings though, I just assume most people don't like me. Anyways, we went upstairs to the office and I was signing some papers when she said, "I really miss having you here". Or something along those lines. I didn't know how to react, I wasn't expecting it at all.
And there's another one that I had some problems with in the beginning. The basic story of that is that I called in sick and must have gotten on her wrong nerve. She assumed I was faking and the way she spoke to me made me feel horrible. But as time went on, she made a point to tell me that I have really proven myself to her.
Now going back in there and having them seem happy to see me is just so wonderful. I didn't realize how great I had it there! I just don't have that confidence that I am good enough and when I am appreciated by people I work with/for, it makes me unbelievably happy. I think I got pretty lucky with that job and the people that work there.
I am curious to know what all those new women are like though. I hope none of them dislike me too much! Haha. "Who's this new person coming in acting like they already know everything??"
I wonder if I will eventually remember how to use the machines again.

I think Isaac was just doing a bit of the "Single Ladies" song. Haha!

Done talking.