The library smells like baby powder

I've been kind of stressed lately. Kind of a combination of things but nothing major. Want to hear me whine about a few of these things? Keep reading.

I should have bet some money on who I thought would be getting the full time positions at work. Even though my manager asked me to put in a resume for it, the whole time during the interview she kept saying things about how "if you don't get the position, your resume will be on file for next time!". So it was pretty obvious. I don't know if I should have gone through the trouble of rushing to the only library open that day and printing out the resume and then rushing over to the store to get some white-out to fix a "the" I typed as "then". I guess I'm just a bit annoyed with things at the moment. While part of me is thinking, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about how difficult the switch to full-time would have been" the other part knows I could have really used the money.

I have also been having some personal little health-related issues. Nothing huge or anything but still annoying and kind of getting me down. There are some things I rather not share with the internet... or with anyone, really.

Ziggy's not well, again. She always seems to have something wrong with her. I know it's to the point where vets won't be able to do much. The only vet that would take her costs $100 just to go in, anyways. I hate to say, "Oh I won't because it costs too much" because I do care about my birds but Ziggy has been through these things a lot and she's a tough bird. If I took her to the vet every time she had something wrong with her, we wouldn't be able to pay rent probably. I wish there was a vet that took birds that was as affordable as the one I take Penny to. For normal visits, even if they give her medicine or a shot, we get out of there under $30. Peter's doing a good job taking care of her, as always. I captured some of the cuteness on video and I'm currently in the process of uploading it.

As I said these things are really no big deal but when you combine them with the other little things I have going on, I kind of have a hard time handling it. I still have an awesome husband and doggy being loving to me this whole time. :)

BLECK I'm starving. I only had 3/4 of a piece of toast this morning (which I forgot to finish after I dropped an almost completely full cup of coffee all over the carpet) and it's now 2:30. This video better upload a little faster so I can get home and unstarvify myself. I'm going crazy.

[Edit: Upload froze at 64% so I gave up on it. Will try again tomorrow.]

[Edit Next Day: It took like a minute to upload it this time so here it is!]

Sick as a dog

I have spent the last few days at home on the couch. Exciting, right? I'm sicker than I have been in a LONG time. Painful coughing and sneezing, sore body, absolutely NO energy or strength, not able to sleep at night (or during the day for more than a few minutes). It has been horrible. I started feeling symptoms Saturday, then I called in sick on Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I had off from work but they were wasted on that flippin' couch. I could have sworn I would be better by today (Wednesday) but even sitting in my car in the parking lot of the library is almost too much for me to handle. This sucks.

On the brighter side of things, at least I can only hear out of one ear right now so all the kids screaming outside aren't really bothering me too much. :-s

This is starting to make me feel crazy.

At least I have lovely Penny to cuddle with all day.

Welcome to November....

Hello world.
I never finished Vlogtober. I was doing so well and then one day I worked all day and completely forgot. The next day, I made a video that basically just said I forgot to make a video the day before but this video was so lame I didn't feel the need to post it. After that, it all left my mind. I didn't even want to bother with Vlogtober anymore. I already had a stressful month, I didn't need to add to it! Editing from that camera takes ages because the file type isn't accepted by my normal editor. So what I have to do is put all the clips together on the editor that COMES with the camera and then save that as a proper file and THEN edit AGAIN on my editor. Why? Because the editor that comes with the camera automatically fades all the clips together and I HATE that. So I just cut out all the fades later on. I know it's a lot of work but I really don't like fading between clips!

I did want to make a halloween video though. That turned out GREAT! Not.
The day before halloween, I quickly began coughing and feeling achy and weak. I left work early because of my fear of what I may have had plus I was finding it impossible to work under those conditions. I ended up packing a few items and hauling my ass to my parents house so mommy could take care of me.. haha.
Yesterday (Halloween) was so shitty. I wanted so badly to have fun but I could hardly even stand or sit up for more than a couple minutes. Of course I couldn't do anything fun! My throat was beginning to get really sore at this point as well.
And then today I also couldn't go to work. I hate this, missing more than one day of work. No matter how sick I am, I feel horrible calling in. Especially since I have no idea how long this is going to go on. At the same time, I know I shouldn't have any reason to feel bad for calling in. I AM really sick and there is no way I could work like this. No one would be happy.

Today started out horribly. Swallowing would bring tears to my eyes with all the pain and I often found myself not being able to speak which really frustrated me. Around 4 PM, I almost magically felt a lot better. Well, I am still coughing painfully and feel weak and tired but my throat is about 88% back to normal. I'm going back to the apartment tonight so that if I wake up feeling well enough, I can go to work easier. I realized I didn't do a good job packing to come here, I have nothing.

Kthnx.

Tired, but still sober

I am tired and can't wait for a day or two or four off. ;)
Even with short shifts, it still messes with my days. Waking up earlier or whatever, having to make plans around it, and then thinking about my next day at work.
I really can't complain, it's a job. Plus, I begged for this job back. Well, not really. I just went in and said "HEY!" and got it back. Not exactly like that but it may as well have been. Still, I appreciate my job but I can never get used to CUSTOMERS. You, customers, are the reason it's hard to go to work. You, customers, are the reason I want to hide in a corner and wimper.
Don't worry, I know that most customers are just human but those few/hundred that come in daily and don't have anything better to do than make me feel like shit are really making me bitter about ALL customers. Sorry about that, I don't hate you all. :)
Anyone in any kind of customer service job can probably relate. Oh the horror. Oh the minimum wage. Oh.
So I'm 21 now. Not much exciting about that. I don't drink and haven't drank anything yet. No, seriously. Ever. In my life. Haven't had alcohol. Never felt the need or anything and never set myself in an environment where people were drinking. Plus, I kind of liked knowing that I am/was a rare breed - under aged people that didn't drink alcohol. Even when I checked "No" next to "drinks alcohol" on a questionnaire at the doctor's office, the doctor assumed I just didn't want to say yes and get in trouble for being under 21. Psh, my answer IS no.
Now, that's not to say that I thought everyone that drank as a teenager is inferior or stupid. I just didn't feel like I needed to. Though I must say that I will never understand people who only seem to hang out with friends if they are drinking. I see it on MySpace on the time. It seems like people only have pictures of themselves at partys with a drink in their hands acting careless. I even remember this in high school.
But now that that has been said, I will most likely drink some time soon. I mean, I'm 21. I've reached my "goal". I remember when I was a child and told myself I wouldn't drink until I was old enough. It's not as though I had to consiously remind myself all the time of this or that I felt pressured by society to. It stuck with me, that's all. We will see how this goes. >_<
And now, I shall go. I'm so bloody tired. I have no idea why I'm even up or why I typed a blog when I rather be in bed. I have been tired since I woke up early this morning! Crazy Melody.

Sick Ziggy, wedding dress, and a sore ass!

It has been almost 2 weeks since I've updated but it feels like longer, for whatever reason.
It's really hot in here and I have the fan blowing directly on my face but this blocks out any sound coming from around me. My mom just walked up behind and said something and it scared the crap out of me. Not literally, ew.
My week has been pretty hectic... but more mentally hectic than anything. I mean, I worked and was busy but I was constantly worried.
Ziggy has been sick for a while now. She had diarrhea and some days would seem alright and some days would just sleep. I should have taken her into the vet at that point. I am kicking myself for not. Well last Friday, the 17th, I woke up to see her on the bottom of the cage lying down with her head facing all the way up. She wouldn't put it down, just move it side to side. I've always heard about birds going to the bottom of the cage when dying so I assumed this was it.
I spent that day crying and holding her in a shirt. She wouldn't eat or drink water and only tumbled around a little on the bottom of the cage.
The next day, her head was no longer looking up but she still couldn't walk. She just slept, wrapped in the shirt and I called in work so I could take care of her. She began eating some millet but seemed almost too weak to chew much. I had to hold her over the water to get her to drink.
By Sunday she was eating the millet on her own after crawling over to it. I still had to help her to her water. She seemed bored at one point, pushing a ball around a tiny bit with her head. She also slept slightly less but still couldn't walk or perch.
I'm sure you get the idea. Still bad, but not great.
I finally got her into the vet on Wednesday morning. $164 later, she had her nails clipped, blood drawn, 2 shots, and all that jazz. We also went home with a medication and new organic bird food. I should have been giving them pellets this whole time, not seeds.

The vet said that she has some kind of neurological problem. The blood results came in yesterday and he suspects it may be lead poisoning. My question is, from what? Peter shows no signs and I don't know what Ziggy could have gotten into that he didn't. I always monitor when they are out.
Well today Ziggy is perching and is able to balance. She goes down to eat and drink on her own. She also won't shut up sometimes, she keeps singing which she hasn't done in a while. I put her back with Peter and they are staying side by side. It's so cute and I feel really relieved. I'm still worried because I don't know what the lead poisoning could be from. I am trying to think if there's anything new she's been chewing on (well, new at the time that the signs started).

In other news, I got my wedding dress! I'm more excited about this fact than I thought I'd be.It fits perfectly around my body but obviously needs to be hemmed. I thought I'd have to buy it myself but after making a deal with my mom to go 50/50, she ended up deciding she'd pay for it all. Isaac and I have to pay the wedding though. Not sure how much help we'll get with that. Oh well! But the dress is really nice, and simple. I like it. You guys will see a picture, I'm sure, but not until after the wedding. This means you'll have to wait until next year!
I went shopping with Lindsay the day before and I didn't see a single thing I liked. But the next day I went back to David's Bridal with my mom and I tried on a few, falling in love with the second dress. It was all really awkward for me though. I am not used to getting any attention from employees when trying on clothing so being the only one in the store and having all eyes on me was just weird. I'm really shy, so I'm sure I looked awkward.
The lady who helped me was nice though and seemed to understand what I was looking for, unlike other stores I went in. I went in an hour before closing and walked out of there with the dress in my arms before the store even closed! They called me a power shopper, my mind was made up. She even hand wrote me a letter a few days later!

I know they do it for everyone, but it's still thoughtful.

Lindsay and I rode our bikes for a few hours yesterday. We went a lot further than we thought we would. The ride there was fine but by the time we headed back I was just hot and tired and my butt hurt like a bitch. Those bike seats aren't made for women's wide set butt bones.
So today I went out and got a nice "womens" bike seat only to find out it doesn't work with the kind of pole I have. In fact, I'm not sure anything does. So my dad is taking it into a specialty bike store tomorrow for me and seeing if they have a replacement pole thing. Or if anything can be done. Seriously, my ass hurts like crazy right now and that's not fun.


P.S. If you don't have any Human Bean coffee places in your area you're missing out. I find so many coffee places to be way too expensive and not that great but I really love The Human Bean. The employees always seem to be nice PLUS you always get a chocolate covered coffee bean with it and that totally makes it a WIN.

I feel like a teenager...

These last three days have been just crap for me.
I just feel so down and emotional. I can't handle stress well right now.
Last night I was tossing and turning with anxiety and I can't pinpoint a reason. Then I started freaking out about nothing. Like I thought I couldn't breathe and then I felt like the sleeve of my shirt was too tight and cutting into my skin (which it wasn't even close!). I feel like I'm going crazy!
It doesn't help that Isaac's computer won't let us talk for more than a hello goodbye. I hope he can get that fixed. Tomorrow I will only be able to say "Hi, bye!" to him because I get off work later. So with yesterday, today, and tomorrow total may equal about 2 hours together or less. We normally talk HOURS a day. Seriously.
And today we didn't even talk. He spent most of the time that we had together getting the pictures off his camera from today. He went to the London International Music Show which had his favorite Steve Vai. Then his computer shut down.
I've just been feeling some strange stress and loneliness that I don't like and don't know what to do about. It's only been for about 3 days but it has felt like ages. I liked being happy.
It just makes me feel a bit like a teenager. Moody, lonely, depressed. Emo. Lawls.
Plus, customers were really rude at work today. It's not our fault you all decide to come at once and cause a big line! We're trying to help you! Just grab a freakin' number!
I'm not able to handle this right now. I just need to talk to Isaac but I haven't had that opportunity at all.

So like a couple weeks ago I went to the doctors and had my blood drawn. My health came back pretty much perfect but the one thing that was off is I guess I'm too much of a man. Yes, you heard me! Too much testosterone. Kind of embarrassing but it's really common so whatever. Women have testosterone my levels are just a little high. I believe it. I am wondering if the medication is messing with me a bit or something. Or maybe I am PMSing. I am part female, after all. I do PMS...

No I'm not high, thank you.

All my life I have gotten strangers telling me I look tired. Thank you! How nice of you. Most of the time when they ask this I had a wonderful amount of sleep! It's because of my dumb eyes. That simple. Ever since probably middle school or so I have been asked by many people if I am currently high. Many of them refuse to believe when I say no! I am not high! I was even asked recently when I was working at a local store by a guy that worked there. How can I take this as anything but an insult? Especially when I have never done any sort of drug and proud of it. And all based on what? My droopy/baggy eyes and my calmer/mellow nature? That's just me.

Sorry for that short rant there. I was just thinking about this and how much it bothers me. I didn't choose the way I look and I hate that it automatically makes people make all these assumptions about me.

I want my brain to calm down because I can't seem to relax tonight. I think it's because Isaac went to bed earlier today and I didn't get a chance to talk to him. Since it's pretty much part of my daily schedule to talk to him every night I think part of me is still expecting that and won't rest until I get a chance. It has been a long night and it's only 10.

Oh our water heater is leaking (again, it has done this before) and luckily I caught onto it before it got as bad as last time. Last time it happened it got a huge area of our living room all wet and pretty much ruined the carpet. This time I happened to walk by the area to get to a closet and felt a little dampness. Ugh. So no hot water for now.

I have been so lazy these last couple of days. Partly because I have just been not feeling well and also because... well I don't really have an excuse. I have been just pondering things more than anything and snuggling up to stay warm. I need sun and a nice walk. I also need Isaac...

I think I'm going to maybe watch tv or something. I wonder if anything is even on...

Please, PLEASE, just let me sleep.

For a couple months now I will have many many random nights where I will be fine BEFORE bed but as soon as I try to sleep I start feeling a bit nauseous. I will try to ignore it and fall asleep but many times, the feeling of falling asleep makes me burst out of bed thinking I'm going to throw up... but I never do.
It normally just takes a few tries and I will fall asleep and wake up fine as though the nausea never happened.
But not tonight.
Tonight I was only able to sleep for about 30 minutes (at most!) and other than that, I've been just tossing and turning and constantly feeling like I'm about to barf. I got some water and an emergency bowl just in case but I really don't know if I will throw up. Now I'm sitting here and my stomach hurts but it's not the same as when I try falling asleep. I've been trying since 10! It's 2:48 now and I need to wake up in about 3 hours (at the latest) to go to work.
This really sucks.
Really really sucks.
I don't know what it is but come on I would like it to go away and I really would like some sleep.
I got tired of just lying there and jumping up every time my head starts to finally doze off so I came on here.
I am freezing right now too! Our house is so cold. I can't stay warm but EVERY time I bundle up just right and start to relax even a little, I just end up quickly getting up again feeling like I'm going to throw up!
I'm even trying sleeping sitting up which normally works but it isn't this time.
The night before I have to work pretty early. Go figure.

Incredibly sad

Our last hug was at 5:13, last kiss at about 5:17 and I last saw Isaac around 5:24 this morning as we waved from opposite sides of an airport checkpoint.
That was one hell of a short month. You would think that we would have found time to do every little thing we planned, but we didn't.
We did record some videos but it looks like I will have to edit them on my own. :(
One of the worse things about it is that on Friday night, Isaac got terribly sick. So he was sick all through Saturday and then Sunday was mostly a recovery day. I'm not talking 'I don't feel well' or 'I have a cold' kind of sick, but yucky horrible 'I should bare all the details' kind of sick. It was quite sad seeing him go through that. I did treat him to the kinds of things I would get when I was that sick. Sprite, saltine crackers, chicken and stars, and lots of water.
We have something cool that the public has yet to know (public as in internet people...) but you will find out when I get my ass editing those videos.
But basically what this entry was going to be all about is that I feel alone now and I already miss Isaac...

Sick??

I kind of feel ill. Ugh. But being me, I have to spend this time on the computer. BUT luckily since this IS a laptop, I can still lie on this here bed here here. I don't know why I'm talking so weird. Well not so much talking more of just typing weird. Ahh. Anyways, I hope it wasn't the fact that my mom and I shared one of these:
Well she hasn't eaten her half yet but I ate mine. I don't know why it would make me sick but you never know, right? Ugh I have a headache. And now thinking about eating that is making me feel kind of weird.
Now I am just waiting for Isaac to get online so I can complain about how I don't feel well. I have been such a complainer lately. Ahhhh nah I will try not to.

In this search for a job I just don't know what to do. I just need some little simple thing. It can be in retail I just don't want to have to try to push some store credit card or something so that narrows down a bunch of places I don't want to work. It seems as though all the coolest places to work are little shops they aren't hiring. Lucky betches. I want to work in a little weird record store or something. I think that would be cool. Maybe not? How would I know? I don't. But I have bad judgment. I thought Toys R Us would have been cool. It's not like I was expecting to play with toys there but I thought that the environment would make people there happier and funner to be around but it seems to do the opposite. Save your soul and don't work there. Because of Toys R Sucks, I am assuming that every store would be absolute hell to work in. It's funny because I thought that over time I would get used to it and it would just seem like part of my life - going to work at TRU - but really every day I went to work there it felt like my first day and like everyone was stressed about everything. It just sucked the life out of me, I felt. The days I had off were spent thinking about how I would have to go back to work the next day and wander around the store aimlessly trying to avoid management because even if I WAS doing everything right AND with a smile on my face, I was just glared at or yelled at on the headset walkie talkie things. Maybe there were a couple fun or just not so horrible times but I hardly remember them in the mess of the crap. The day and couple weeks after quitting were the best days I had in many months, I believe. It's possible that I made the experience worse by not looking on the bright side of things or at least talking to more co workers, but I really did talk to some of them and found plenty to be nice but MOST of the nice ones broke down and quit soon after starting. Hmm.

I don't like fish.

I hate shopping for clothes. T-shirts are easy to shop for. Everything else? Not so much. At least when you're a 5'2" or something chubby chick. I'm not tall or big enough for plus sizes but not small enough for the other clothes. I already know juniors clothing, though I like some, is not a good place to shop if you have any thighs or hips because all pants are for curveless girls. And as for shirts, don't expect to get a cute nice top if you have boobs because they are all too small in the boobie section. And then if I go to any other section, like for "petite" or "misses" or whatever all those other sections are, the clothes are almost too mature and big and hell just most look like shit. I just want nice clothes. Not expensive, but nice. I am sick of t-shirts and jeans all the time. Sorry this is just stressing me out.
I went out today with my mom because I need to get a job and don't have anything nice to wear to interviews. So we were out for HOURS and I FINALLY found 1 shirt. ONE FREAKING TOP. I mean, it's a pretty good one and it was on sale but to go out for HOURS and have it be the ONLY thing that worked? We went from store to store and from section to section, some sections we went back to more than once.
I want candy.



I had a dentist appointment today, just for a regular cleaning thing. I hadn't gone in about 2 years (oops) and I was so afraid to go! Normally when I went it would seem as though they would find something bad about my teeth (like the start of a cavity) because I have pretty "groovy" teeth. Not wicked cool teeth but there are a lot of grooves in my back choppers. So yeah, stuff would get stuck back there. But I have had pretty much all of them filled so they aren't as groovy and this time at the dentist they just said my teeth were looking excellent.
Yay!
But I still don't like going to the dentist. I don't like them poking and scraping at my teeth and gums. And I don't like that gritty stuff they put all over your teeth. I don't know what it is. And I just feel uncomfortable lying there with my mouth wide open.
They make you wear funny sunglasses at mine. To protect your eyes from the light they shine in your face.

Anxiety attacks are exhausting.

HDohoihodih IH oifh!

I just wish I could hide and paint. I know it sounds cheesy and like the typical "wannabe artist"... but I AM a typical wannabe artist, I'm sure.
But that's not the point. I really do have the urge to just hide in this room and paint a whole bunch of stuff. Not care about anything else I may have to do or care about making a mess with the paint.
It's not as though I believe I'm an amazing artist... I JUST LIKE TO PAINT AND WANT TO DO IT NOW! I WANT A GOLDEN EGG NOW!

That would be nice.


I want chocolate. I will have hot chocolate after typing this.

MrPregnant is annoyingly funny.

Itchity quack quack snookie snoooooo!!

There is no point to this blog.

Oh, I have been wanting a good yoga DVD or something. I took yoga once and liked it but wish I could do it at home on my own. Only problem is I forgot most of what we did in there plus I want to do MORE. So if there is a small chance that someone that happens to come by my blog knows of a really good yoga DVD, would you PLEASE let me know? I don't want some crap thing.

This room smells like oil paints.

15ish more days to go!

I hate when I get this sudden feeling that I'm going to throw up so I RUN to the bathroom. It normally ends up that I'm just paranoid because I HATE HATE barfing. That was the case today, thank God. I don't know why I'm so scared of it. When I was younger I used to think I was going to die every time I got sick and I think that just stuck with me. Why do things I am told or think as a child just stick with me like that? I still can't look at the word cocoon without thinking it's bad. I won't go into that one because it's boring.
I have 15 days to go until the wonderful awesomeness thing! :):):):):)

Getting better all the time

I just woke up about 15 minutes ago and I feel SO much better! AHH!
I had three nights in a row where I didn't have solid sleep and kept waking up. The sleep I had two nights ago was the worse because I felt as though I never actually got into that deep sleep. But last night... EHHH! I slept solid through the night. The lack of sleep I was having was making me go crazy. What else is making me crazy right now? BEING STUCK IN THIS HOUSE! The last time I left the house was on Tuesday and it was for a very short amount of time (probably about 20 minutes tops) and it was just to get a couple things from the store. I feel like I'm stuck in a [tissue] box.
22 days until that amazingly awesome thing!!!!!!! :)
I'm going to go eat some breakfast and enjoy being better.

Oy boy.

*Sneeze*
I feel horrible.
I missed classes yesterday. Good thing I don't have classes Thursdays because I would not be able to go to those either. I'm just so sick. It's really hard to keep my eyes open all the time. Also, my throat hurts and is all dried out from breathing from it. The only times I can actually breath from my nose it HURTS it! Why must I be in so much pain? I just want to sleep, damn it! I woke up a bazillion times last night. Also, all of the water I am drinking is making me get up a million times to pee it out! I just can't chillax and sleep.
Ho hum.
At least I am getting this now and hopefully won't be sick on the day of February 23rd and the days after that. I am hoping for sick-free stress-free days during that time of wonderfulness.
After all that stuff I am going to have to FINALLY get another job to get money. I think I owe some to my parents at this point.
I MIGHT even consider doing something extra like a paper route to get even MORE money.
Why?
I want a MacBook.
BUT that's not all. A I want to MOVE OUT. I want to move to this one city... which I will not mention... that is in another part of Oregon. A cool looking place that really interests me. If not IN that specific city I need to at least be around it. Well, I don't need the MacBook so I can hold on that if I need to... I just want to move. I am not sure my exact plan because I have plenty of time but I already have been getting a general idea of the range of rent and stuff over there. If I can find someone to share an apartment with it would help a lot but if I need to and have the money for it I can just go alone. I wouldn't mind being alone in a studio or something.
I already have this budget planned to help me save money. It was kind of my new years resolution type thing since I started the beginning of this year. It's the only resolution I've ever been able to keep. It's quite simple actually, I just wrote down a limit on different types of things and try to stay under that. If I hit the limit, I won't get anything else under that topic er whatever.
Ok I'm rambling.
I hate being sick.

Common cold...

I am sick. Being sick sucks. It's just a cold and it just started so I don't know how long it will last or how bad it might get but it ALREADY SUCKS. I was ok enough to go to the store today to get some vitamins and a couple other personal items so yay. I am trying my hardest to get over this quickly, eating a little better and drinking a BUNCH of water. I don't want to miss any days of classes.
I can't stand how some people say love sucks. WTF are they talking about? If it sucks, how can it be love? Sure, I've believed (or rather I forced myself to believe since I didn't think I could do any better) I was in love before and that did kind of suck but that WASN'T TRUE LOVE. Sure, long distance relationships are hard but if you're truly in love and both of you know it is going somewhere you'll try your best to make it work. So even in this situation I don't see how love can suck.
Ah don't know if I make sense anymore. I'm too sleepy. Bye.