Thursday, August 13, 2009

I'm a loser.

I created a tumblr for Isaac and myself to use for updates and stuff. Tumblr stuff, but ours. It's easier than creating our own ugly site.

I also deleted my BowieChick MySpace account because I don't have a reason for it.

I really need to clean my room. Really clean it. I only ever really go in there to get ready and sleep so I haven't really felt much like it's my place to go so I haven't kept it clean.
My brain feels like a mess as well. Constantly feeling on edge and like I'm waiting for my life to really start.
I miss painting and crafting and listening to music.
It's all stuff that I some reason haven't had much time for. I could be listening to music now but I always feel like I'll never be able to complete an album. I don't know why, I am honestly not very busy. My head just is.
I miss my Love, Isaac.

Lately I have been uncomfortable with my own awkwardness and inability to connect at some level with other people. I haven't been keeping in contact with any friends except for Isaac (no shit), Lindsay, and Celsie. I feel badly about this but that still doesn't get me to pick up the phone and call all the others up. I love them and I don't have an explanation for that.

I realized that if I keep sitting at my house waiting for just my couple of friends to become available to do something with, I am not going to experience much. What do I want to experience? I don't know. I feel like I am supposed to be living life now and instead I am just going through a routine of working, talking to Isaac, sleeping, and possibly seeing one of my friends or just wasting gasoline in my car. As much as I love Isaac and my friends... and sleep... I don't like living every day the same exact way.

I need to see fresh faces or new places. That rhyme was not intentional.

Problem: as I've earlier mentioned, I have social problems. Besides Isaac, I haven't made any real new friends since middle or elementary school. And I met Isaac ONLINE for Pete's sake (who is Pete?). That just shows that I don't know how to make friends in the real world or talk to people for the first time. I CAN'T DO IT. I have a hard time even making bloody eye contact, unless I'm at work where I don't even feel like myself.

I feel so stuck with my low self esteem and discomfort.

All my life I have constantly heard people say I am "shy" and I FUCKING HATE being called that. Why? Because the more people say it, the more shy I get.

I am kind of going all over the place right now, I don't even know where my rant started. I can rant on and on about how ugly or lame I think I am, trust me.


Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this.
The ''not making new friends in real life'' and waiting for ''life to 'start' already'' and also the dullness because every day's the same as the rest.

I dunno what to say to make you feel better though. Heck - I don't know how to make myself feel better.
But maybe it'll be a bit comforting to know you're not the only one feeling like this.
Take care xx

Jeannette said...

I got a great idea. People of the world need to have Awkward Parties, where the whole point of the party is to be awkward. Then we socially awkward people will be on the same level as everyone else! Seriously, why hasn't this happened already.

I'm the same way with social problems.... If I hadn't gone to college, being forced to live so close to so many people, I wouldn't have any friends right now, other than the ones I had in high school. And I don't like being called shy either because I already know I am and pointing it out doesn't help. :\

I'm sorry about the living-life-as-a-routine feeling. I'm only around for another month, but I can be a fresh face if you need it. :)

Melody said...

Mel: <3 And you aren't the only one, either.

Melody said...

Jeanette: I would love an awkward party! I can already picture the awkwardness, amazing.

Pisceanchick said...

Hi Bowiechick, been reading you for a while. I have a tip for the friends thing. Try online to make friends for real life. Earlier this summer I was a bit discouraged I wasn't seeing many of my friends much. I too am extremely shy btw and all my friends are from where I worked a few years ago. I don't know if they have it on craigslist, but on kijiji I answered two ads for friends, met them in public places and have had a lot of fun this summer due to answering the ads.