Going through old diaries...

So I was going through my old diaries and it makes me sad that I was so pathetic. Always talking about how fat I was (even when I wasn't) or about how much I wanted a boyfriend. And then WITH these "boyfriends" how I said I was in love and blah blah but um no. And I knew I wasn't but said I was. With most I would even lie in the diary, "Yeah I love him blah blah" but I remember knowing I wasn't in love. I just kept saying it for who knows what reason.
The worst one is actually about the infamous "Breakup" dude. Within the first month or so of going out with him I already said a bunch of things hinting that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about him. And then about halfway through the relationship on about 2/3 of the entries that even mentioned him were me saying how I didn't think I loved him and felt like it was too late because we already said all the time that we loved each other. It's funny how the DAY AFTER he broke up with me I already said in my journal how I was happy to be free because I felt trapped. At least I was honest with my diary at that time. I had to tell someone the truth.
This makes me wonder why I allowed myself to feel that way. Why didn't I just end it?
And just looking at my journals I see how boy crazy I was in middle-high school. Always having crushes that changed weekly and my choice in all of them SUCKED. Why did I waste my time with this? I really wish I would have spent all those years concentrating on something else. I wish I had more to talk about in my old diaries than boys and how much I hated myself.
But I think it was all related. Having crushes that never spoke to me or bad relationships that just made me feel worse leading to me hating myself more but hating myself could have also been the thing that got me in those situations.

I can honestly say now that I no longer hate myself AND that I am truly in love. I have thrown that word around so much in the past, I've realized, but for once I really do mean it with all my heart. "Love" has a whole new meaning to me, I don't feel like I've wasted it or something. I've just used it incorrectly before because I thought I had to say it.

Ok Melody, stop rambling.
I love you Isaac.

Peter and Ziggy video

Why I haven't been Tubin' much.

First I have to say, "OMG PLAIN BORING BLOG LAYOUT!"
Yeah. I accidentally deleted the header from the HTML and then messed with the layout and then went, "Blah!" and now it's just header-less and lame blog. You may be wondering why I don't just upload the header again but I don't have it saved on this computer and am too lazy to get it right now. So it'll just be this way for a while until I change it.

So I've been really thinking about how little I.. well.. think about making videos for YouTube.
There was a time when I thought about it quite a lot and had a constant want to make vlogs or some strange idea for some funky video. It was just fun.
But now I don't have that. In fact, the idea of making videos now kind of makes me feel nervous and a little scared. And bored.
I was like, "What's that all about??"
But when I really think about it I feel like I know part of the reason. Or reasons.
YouTube has [almost] always had this semi-competition feeling on it. Sure, people used to think the person with 1,000 subscribers was cool and wanted to get at least 10 more than them. And that idea is still there only now it's the person with 100,000 subscribers that still want more!
I've never really been into that competition mindset of it. I don't like that. No fun for me! Just like popularity contests in school or something.
But the biggest thing is that NOW these people have a purpose. THEY ARE EARNING MORE MONEY WITH EACH VIEW. Oh YouTube partnership, how lovely you are.
I admit that I have tried signing up for a partnership but was denied since I don't get enough views. Oh well.
I just wonder how many of these people would be putting so much work and dedication into their stuff if it wasn't for the possibility of getting a little (or a lot) of cash off it. Or even semi-fame.
When I started YouTube this wasn't even a idea in my head. Fame off YouTube? Money from videos? What's that?
It was all about just doing it because we were bored and it filled some free time. It was fun.
You may be wondering why this takes away my desire. I wonder too. I just feel like seeing all these people that are making stuff off their videos and have that motivation make me feel completely pointless. Why am I on there?
I don't feel the need to try to compete with them to get to the top. I don't feel the need to put on an amazing show to get an ego boost and win out all those people. It just doesn't seem important. At all.
I used to make fun videos every once in a while. Like just being silly and acting or something but I think I've just grown out of that all. I haven't really had any desire to do those things. I did for a while have this idea for a Zoey video but I suddenly started hearing in my head all these future comments about me "trying" to be like Fred. Zoey was first, dumbass. Anyways. Plus, the more I thought about it the less I found it amusing for me to do.
One thing I still do like doing and always have is making music videos. Problem? Well every day more and more of people's videos with copyrighted music are being deleted. This sucks. Really sucks. Stop taking the fun out of music. And NO I'm not going to find music I have the rights too! I WANT TO DO VIDEOS TO MUSIC I ACTUALLY LOVE!

K80Blog basically explains how I feel about it all in this video, so you better watch it:


She doesn't really start talking about it until about 2:45ish but watch the whole video anyways.
I got Isaac to watch a bunch of her stuff today and he liked it. Yay!

Did you ever stop to notice the crying earth, the weeping shores?

So for those of you who aren't friends with me on MySpace or don't watch IseAndMel OR follow me on twitter may not know that I was hacked 2 days ago.
First thing in the morning I tried to sign into my email but it said my password was wrong. I didn't think much of it, even after retrying the password a bunch. I thought maybe hotmail was just having issues.
But then I went to YouTube and saw that I was strangely signed out. If you are on YouTube, you might know that it doesn't sign you out unless you sign yourself out. I am hardly EVER signed out. And when I tried logging on? Said I had the wrong password.
So from this I realized it was only my BowieChick youtube and not my other two so I knew it wasn't something wrong with the computer. I was, at the time, able to get onto my personal myspace but NOT my BowieChick MySpace. I also couldn't get into my OTHER email. This really freaked me out at first. Customer service seemed to suck everywhere and I was really flipping out.
But I had to go to work as I just had to wonder what was going on. When I got home, I was able to get ONE of my emails back. It was the one connected to my BowieChick MySpace page and my Facebook (which was also "hacked") so I was able to get back into those. Then eventually yesterday morning I got the OTHER email back and all the VARIOUS websites that they decided to get into with that email.
Well when I got back into my personal myspace I saw I had a message from "BowieChick". My other myspace account. If I didn't have to work I would have seen this message earlier! This is what it said:
" You wont know me, but your email address password was posted on a message board for everybody to see, I got onto your account and changed the password to "nohack", so that nobody could hack you.
I'm sorry I had to hack in myself and I thought that logging into this was the only way to let you know.
Your password for this is the same but you may want to change the email one and this one.

Then find out who it was who managed to get the details in the first place. "
Yeah so that's what happened.
WHY would someone want MY info in the first place? Also, WHY would someone post it online? AND WHY ARE THERE SO MANY IMMATURE ASSHOLES IN THIS WORLD?
They are fail. They DEFINE fail. Hackers, you suck. Grow up. Grow a brain and a heart while you're at it.

I got all my stuff back because these losers can't win.
Oh and BTW. To whoever has done this: I am getting the notices that you are trying to reset my passwords again. Move on or I WILL find out who you are.

Anyways. On from that subject.
I LOVE pinapple and bananas but both make the roof of my mouth hurt. Oy.

I can't believe it's going to be about a year until I get to see Isaac again. This is torture. But a year apart is nothing when I think about all the years we will get to be together. :)
Which reminds me. So many people have already joined Long Distance Love! Some people may wonder why I even bothered making it when there are many relationship groups online. Well, because there's more to a LDR than just a "normal" relationship. It doesn't matter if the distance is a few hours or a few thousand miles, there's just some stuff that is different that some people don't understand. So many people treat LDRs like they are nothing or unimportant or not real when in fact they ARE and it's nice to be around others who understand that.
Best wishes to Ashley and Mikey who are meeting for the first time in about a week! Have fun!

Whine whine complain.

My my I haven't updated much lately. I feel like I am just going along in life and I don't really have any creative moments anymore. I think it's stress and tiredness and weirdness and everything mixed, ahhh!
I am trying so hard to look for another job. The job I have now is just getting to be too much to handle. The job itself is simple and doesn't involve much of your brain (which would explain some of the people that work there, no offense). It's just that I have never been a morning person OR a late late at night worker. It used to be that if I was expected into work at 7 in the morning I would have a hard time but this really messes with your time! I had to be at work before 3 AM on both Thursday and Friday and then we took a trip that took about 1.5 hours and then worked for 8.5 hours and then came back. The whole time there and back having to listen to annoying repetitive loud rap crap. I brought my iPod but no matter how loud I had it I could hear the thumping beat of the rap the whole time.
I think my problem is I like a consistent schedule. I'm fine with working at different times but as long as it doesn't mess too much with my normal sleeping time. This just makes me feel so strange and I just feel completely out of it.
It's just so hard to find a job right now. Many places are laying people off, not hiring. And the ones that ARE hiring are either jobs I CAN'T get (no experience) or jobs that would be just as bad.
I mean, it's money and that's good but I really wish I didn't dislike it so much.
And with all the people I work with I feel completely out of place. I can't relate to anyone. When I hear them talk I just know I have completely different views on everything and even their personalities just don't go with mine. It's fine when we have a local job but when we do those little trips and I have to be around them it really gets to me. I feel like I'm in school again only this time I don't have any friends. I sit alone at lunch like a loser, yay! If I really wanted to, I could TRY becoming friendly with some but honestly I don't see a point. Especially since I would have to be fake to get along. I never seem to make friends at any place I work. There must be something wrong with me.
Sorry I'm complaining but this IS my blog and I need to get things out.
I will continue working there until I find a different job. I just don't have a clue when that will be.

Strange feelings...

For about an hour or an hour and a halfish I have had this strange feeling that something isn't right or that something is going to happen.
I feel really anxious about this and can't concentrate on anything else and nothing is able to distract me from this feeling.
I don't like this. I really don't like this.
I hope it passes and that it isn't some sort of 6th sense kind of thing. Please.
GO AWAY, STUPID ANNOYING ANXIOUS HORRIBLE FEELING!

My new ning for LDR couples

Check it out if you're in a long distance relationship! WEEE!