Friday, March 6, 2009

Going through old diaries...

So I was going through my old diaries and it makes me sad that I was so pathetic. Always talking about how fat I was (even when I wasn't) or about how much I wanted a boyfriend. And then WITH these "boyfriends" how I said I was in love and blah blah but um no. And I knew I wasn't but said I was. With most I would even lie in the diary, "Yeah I love him blah blah" but I remember knowing I wasn't in love. I just kept saying it for who knows what reason.
The worst one is actually about the infamous "Breakup" dude. Within the first month or so of going out with him I already said a bunch of things hinting that I wasn't so sure about how I felt about him. And then about halfway through the relationship on about 2/3 of the entries that even mentioned him were me saying how I didn't think I loved him and felt like it was too late because we already said all the time that we loved each other. It's funny how the DAY AFTER he broke up with me I already said in my journal how I was happy to be free because I felt trapped. At least I was honest with my diary at that time. I had to tell someone the truth.
This makes me wonder why I allowed myself to feel that way. Why didn't I just end it?
And just looking at my journals I see how boy crazy I was in middle-high school. Always having crushes that changed weekly and my choice in all of them SUCKED. Why did I waste my time with this? I really wish I would have spent all those years concentrating on something else. I wish I had more to talk about in my old diaries than boys and how much I hated myself.
But I think it was all related. Having crushes that never spoke to me or bad relationships that just made me feel worse leading to me hating myself more but hating myself could have also been the thing that got me in those situations.

I can honestly say now that I no longer hate myself AND that I am truly in love. I have thrown that word around so much in the past, I've realized, but for once I really do mean it with all my heart. "Love" has a whole new meaning to me, I don't feel like I've wasted it or something. I've just used it incorrectly before because I thought I had to say it.

Ok Melody, stop rambling.
I love you Isaac.


Faith said...

Aw it's okay. You learned and if you hadn't learned, you'd not have that knowledge to pass on :)

Anonymous said...

u r great :)

i'm a loner, dottie, a rebel. said...

I feel the same way when looking through old diaries. What a waste of days and years. I wish I had the mindset that I have now then so I could have done something more care about school or try to develop some different skills. Anyway, it is true that we lived and learned and wouldn't be the people we are today if we hadn't experienced what we did in the past. :)

Kevin said...

Well I once loved a girl, but what she had on me turned out to be a silly school girl crush, I ended up been really hurt by it.

I just hope you are serious about him and he is serious about you.