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Sunday, November 9, 2008

Photography and depression

Yesterday I was vacuuming the couches in the house and in the cushion of this one chair, pushed really far in, was a film strip from my photography class I took in high school Sophomore year. It reminded me how much fun it is to just take pictures. I take plenty of pictures... with friends and stuff like that... but not enough of THINGS.
Ever since I found that film strip, I have been thinking about how I should take pictures of where I live. Not for you guys to see, but just for fun. To remind myself how beautiful it can be here.
Photography is fun.
I'm thinking I may even go out tomorrow for a little drive and take pictures of things. Maybe.
Other than that optimistic and random urge to take photographs, I have been pretty down lately. It's hard to be so fucking far from the man you love but I have no choice but to deal with it. Well, I could either deal with it or give up but giving up is not an option. That would just break my (and his, of course) heart...
My self esteem is going up and down a lot lately. Sometimes I feel the same depressed way I did back in high school and that scares me. I wish I could see myself as beautiful at least every once in a while. Whenever I think, "Hey, maybe I'm not that ugly!" I see a photograph or video and that idea just disappears. It's pretty stupid, really. It's not even something that should matter yet I can't help it. No matter how many people tell me otherwise, when I get that one person telling me I'm ugly and fat it just overrides all of it. I don't think that seeing yourself as beautiful can be achieved just by being told you are so but you have to be able to see it yourself. I want to... I don't think I will though.
I also feel... talentless. I have interests but as soon as I see how much I suck at them I just give up. I don't feel like trying sometimes because I feel like it's pointless. I think it's because part of me thinks talent is something you are born with, not something you learn. But another part of me think that's just partly true. I think you are born with talent and when you grow, you expand it and learn more and become better. But I don't think I was born with any talents to begin with so I don't know where to even start. No matter what, I just see what I do as a childish wannabe attempt.
And last but not least... I need a job. But I'm a little scared. Will this place be retail yet AGAIN? Will it suck like Toys R Us or will it actually be OK like JoAnns? The other day I was actually in a decent mood and felt a little hopeful about things and sent an application (w/cover letter) to this one part time receptionist job. Something different, something a little out of my comfort zone. The next day I already felt some fear about that. It's pretty annoying. I feel like other people can go out and get new jobs and maybe just get a little nervous and I end up so nervous I feel like giving up. Why do I always feel so nervous about everything and like I'm the only one who gets this way? It's not something I can just shake off...
I will stop now.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Everybody gets nervous to some degree when applying for a job. You just suck it up, and do it though. Either you get the job, or you go on to the next interview.

Getting a job is mostly a matter of being in the right place at the right time. No matter how much experience or skills you have, if a place is not hiring, they are not hiring. If they are hiring, it probably doesn't matter how little experience you have, they need you.

In your case, if you get the interview, you will probably get the job. Because they need someone and you are there, and because. You have a very nice sounding voice, and really good communications skills. Which make you perfect for being a receptionist.

Anyway please post the pictures, when you take them. Love seeing your photography.

portia12 said...

First of all, you are gorgeous girl! Second of all, we don't all naturally see what we may be talented at right away. For example, our Canadian kayaker medalist had to try a large number of sports before he found kayaking. Also, did you know that Sylvia Plath basically taught herself to become a writer? First she set out memorizing the thesaurus and then she set out copying other poets again and again until her own style started to emerge. Pablo Picasso said he spent his whole life trying to pain like a child. I think talent has less to do with it than passion. Finding something you love is key. It's like me and art, although I find I have the least "talent" at pottery and ceramics (I consider myself a better painter and drawer), it is something I am passionate about and something I want to pursue and I want to get a potter's wheel despite the fact that my teapot had a crack in the bottom ;) You just find what you love. I loved your painting of yourself and photography sounds like a passion of yours.